Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

"Which Way LA?" of KCRW in Santa Monica took time out from their busy audio-wallpaper environs to pose a Burning Question: Which is more LA? Eastside or Westside?  Since this is either deadly serious, or a frolicsome ratings stunt, people are gonna get hurt. Think of it as two fat, naked, bald men, slippery with salad oil, fighting over comb.  Already somebody's feeling left out. The Valley, for instance. Better luck next time.  So here are the original questions, with my M-80 answers attached. 1] Which is better, the Westside or the Eastside? Why? Eastside. I sojourned in the People's Republic of Santa Monica, summer of 86. Smug levels were already building. I lived for 28 yrs in the Melrose/Fairfax. Seven yrs ago I moved to the western slope of the Silver Lake Alps.   2] What is the boundary that separates the Westside from the Eastside?   Do you cross those boundaries? What are you willing to drive across town for? 405 ...

Is "Ragnar" another way of spelling "Poser Douche"? Hell Fuck Yeah! Of course it is! We've all heard about the Tough Mudders, Spartan Series, Warrior Dash etc. Then there are Ragnars. What are Ragnars? They're crowded, expensive relay events of multiple participants of short duration [20 miles] over longish distances [100 +  miles], that will grind you down to bare-metal with lots of driving and waiting. Kurt Vonnegut described this kind of thing as a "granfalloon". Go ahead, look it up. There was an NYT article recently about how Wall Street assholes really loved this kind of bullshit as a way to vent cube-rage in their constipated, competitive Type-A looter lives. Maybe boxing got too real, and their sparring partners were failing at pulling punches for their clients. Whatever. Enter a classic Corporate Anal Intruder   ... Salomon! Yes, The UTMB Helicopters Flying Around Mont Blanc Salomon. Go ahead, they need your money. But back t...

I'm digging a snow pit to look at snow layers, instructor Dave Beck is taking notes.  It will tell you everything you need to know, if you care to look. Dave Beck Avalanche Workshop, Meiss Meadows,  Feb 1989. In Feb '89 I took an avalanche-workshop/training class  with Dave Beck, up at Meiss Meadows south of Tahoe near Luther Pass, somewhere around 8,000'. We spent 3 days digging snow pits, snow analysis, XC skiing, etc. Looking at snow structure in a variety of scenarios. There's a world of wonder there. I also found out what its like to have an avalanche dog look for you. We went out in front of the cabin, six feet of snow. I dug a 4' hole. Volunteers? Me. I jumped in, wild-splayed, miming a probable avalanche-induced off-balance throw. The class backfilled the hole, and tromped out the fill and surrounding area. We waited 20min. I was covered, and it was dim. I realized my irises were flaring because it got light/dark/light dark. Everything was d...

Finisher belt-buckle for the obscure cultic "URFKT100" 100-mile trail race. Hello, fun-hogs! As we all know, Americans don't likes to pronounce names that require any additional effort outside the HFCS Food Groups. So, in recent conversations with Dr Casino Bingo, we decided to fix that problem. Of course there are shakedown "feeder" races, so runners can "pre-qualify", before they dominate and/or crush the respective courses. The Körnhole 100 is based on the classic Kornhole 69 Hr Track Run.  This rugged finisher's buckle is crafted from select off-cuts of All-American CX 3/4" plywood. Hand-tooled by D&L Holistic Industries' doe-eyed eco-femmes, in the offshore tax-havens of the Bang Slap Archipelago.  INCOMPLETE RACE INFO: Height Categories: Dwarf, Average, and Too Damn Tall Weight: Anorexic, Uneasy-About-It, Love Handles & Roll-Overs, and Truck-Scale Worthy. Length: Guys, I suspec...

!guanaTrdz—the Go-to Paleo Treat! Hello, another New Year! Yes, a whole stack of wishful thinking nuggets are all ready to be flung outwards into the Universe, which is indifferent to your plight. Bunches of you out there in UltraLandia are wondering "How the fuck am I ever going to be faster/better/more awesomesaucely than I am already?" Good question, get out your credit card. But first, a word from one of our sponsors. !guanaTrdz   Energy Bars. New energy bars consisting entirely of lizard-made, holistically harvested, sustainable, from contented Fijian iguanas in their natural free-range habitat. Each bar contains 10g of protein and 50g of fiber. Recommended by experts world-wide in the treatment of Irritable Vowel Syndrome. PETA-approved. Proud sponsor of the URFKT100, and other fine events. No animals were harmed or their 401ks looted in the making of this product. Have a nice day! Is this mike on? Seriously—you're just not going to get faster. I can ...

Somewhere out on the WS100 Course, June 1993. Note: This post was originally unleashed to the UltraList on  December 10, 2011 12:11:26 PM PST Not only is this still largely relevant to WS100, but practically every other major 100 in the US, right now. Times have changed, and things need to be rethought. Hello, fun-hogs! Yes, its that time of year when thousands of anxious WS100 hopefuls agonize over whether or not they're in the magic circle. Are they 3-time losers in the 2nd degree? Nominated and EZ-Passed due to Extraordinary Accomplishments or somesuch? Busted out a 50-miler somewhere on a 2% downhill course? Probably not. So lets go down to the killing floor, and go to work. Here are some ideas. COMPLETELY ELIMINATE the 50-mile race requirement. This is dead meat, and has been festering like a zombie with bad manners for way too long. The new baseline qualifier would be a *FIVE prior 100-mile finishes* requirement. Yes, this is harsh. And pay phones are gone foreve...

After a long absence, the Joshua Tree VisionKwest was reconvened on December 3-4, 2011. It had been almost 7 years since the last Gathering Of The Tribez [And Shit]®™. Were the Ancestor Gods annoyed, or delighted that their prodigal children had returned? As with all family gatherings, we'd have to be deep into the mix before finding out. Casino Bingo and Draw Poker had begun laying plans and cable for this enterprise several months earlier, with Dr Bingo doing the bulk of the heavy cranial gymnastics. A New Route had been chosen, one promising elements of delight from Previous Outings, but with New Sensations. Ostensible Route: Boy Scout -->Big Foot-->California Riding And Hiking Trail. Our original destination was Juniper Flats.  THE DAY IS REVEALED When the rosy-palmered sun arose over the Whine-Dork Sea, a nipply start was enjoyed by the under-dressed scrum, setting epic pace uphill out towards Boy Scout Trail. The bravely-dressed Rebecca V, Lori...

The Jessica Simpson Flagon Of Forgetfulness Awaits Here's a sweet rhetorical question for you: "Are Ultrarunners A Family?" I'll be the Ancient Voice Of The Dead here and say that "no, ultrarunners are not family". Any more than pistol-enthusiasts, RV'ers, quilters, or MTB'ers. These are ALL associations. An association is a group of similarly-minded and focused interest group. You are born into, or marry into, a family—that's it. Families are composed of people you didn't choose. Finally—the humble runner, is invisible. Does not go out of their way to honk on about being inspirational or set an example. They simply do. Its insanely hard. Sure, if they help somebody, its a natural action. They aren't posing for their Instagram, tweeting their virtue, updating their Faceblurt, and so on. So when you meet some duck in shorts and they're going on about their good works, they're an egotistical horse's ass. Because its all...

Neil Young, another famous Canadian, once wrote a song that made him a lot of $US, and he'll be singing it at the wedding of Avril Lavigne and that dude from Nickelback. Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 14:07:17 -0800 "Eminem Girl" I wanna live with an Eminem girl I could be happy the rest of my life With an Eminem girl. A trailer & tattoos I run in the night You see us together, Bouncing the rent check, My Eminem girl. I can't hear when she axes. How the hell do I know? I'm confused on the factses, Its crank or its blow, She's my Eminem girl. A trailer & tattoos I run in the night You see us together, Bouncing the rent check, My Eminem girl. Got drunk, really plowed, Back home we called it a cow Oh boy! I got in her pants Turns out she was a man, Yeah...yeah...yeah.

Wet/Wiped. LG in the chair, not looking forward to the last kick up the "hurtical" KD Trail. Jorge Pacheco won the Mt Disappointment 50k in 5 hrs. It took me 10hrs. Based on the entry fee, he paid twice as much per hour than I did for all that fun, not to mention heat, dust and dreams.  This course would be a fine introduction for those who've been led to believe in "California Carpet Trails". Had they been there yesterday, they've wished that they'd stayed home where it didn't get above 80º, and see their brows unfurrowed by inconvenient clouds blocking out the neutrino storms that are just par for this course. For the veterans out there, this race course was the mutant love-child of the bygone Lost Boys 50 and Bishop Mule Run 50k. The West Fork of the San Gabriel is examined thoroughly from high and low—crossing it at least 4 times, with lengthy run ups and outs to sun-blasted slopes where water is a seasonal memory far in the pas...

The line between an interesting experience and a life-changing situation is very subtle. Denial and wishful thinking are not useful training modalities.  Want to do that race? Take that trip? Totally undecided?  Allow the DNF Analytic Indicator/Predictor & Oracle help you analyze your situation, with all factors reduced to Three Main Elements.  It will tell you everything you want to hear.

Its what you need, what you need. My pre-race crystal visions were shattered at 0445 by Norteña music. From 300 yards away, the musicians plaintively elucidated all the primary infinitives of estar, cantar, llorar, mandar and so on. For this I waited 10 years since my last ultra? I silently thanked el Profesor Mauricio for bringing me two steps further into knowledge. Slowly, I began firing on one cylinder, which took a while. After bleeding the master-line, I synchronized my watch from a sundial, because gnomon is an island unto himself. Due to the mist, my astrolabe was useless, but it mattered not.  The parking was now filled by cars with "26.2", "140.6" and similar stickers on them. This alerts thieves that they can steal skanky socks and shorts that smell like ass if they only wait.  RD Luis Escobar, in full authoritative charro regalia, gave an epic hellfire & damnation notification after the orientation speech—"If you come to me saying I go...

I'm going to aim for the knockout points right up front, and flat out tell you that the ideal pacer is above the average runner, and a tough, lean, canny guide and wily co-competitor for the above-average runner. The ideal pacer is an expert, the ghillie for the hunt here, and if you're gunning for a buckle, all the positive help you can get is for the better. However, we all start at the beginning. If this is your first time pacing, think very carefully about the following: Are you up for "running" [or not] above or below your comfort zone? Do you have romantic notions about the task ahead of you? This encompasses both overt or cryptic attachments to your runner [provided you know them], and/or the business about being out all night and the brutal part of the day. Have you run at night? More than once? On the course? In bad weather? Do you have an urgent, time-sensitive appointment Saturday or Sunday? Too bad. You'll miss it, guaranteed. ...

Your race reality should be so clear. Hanta ho, truthseekers!   From The Endurance Suburb Of The World®™, the 24th AC100! All the putatively anointed pre-race favorites saw their races end prematurely. Jorge Pacheco and Keira Henniger were done by Chantry. I suspect Jorge's exit was accelerated by prancing around at Badwater 2 weeks earlier, when he should've been tapering. Don't know what happened to Keira, can't comment or speculate, which cripples another life on TV. Mine, not hers. From the top of Baden-Powell, I had less than 20min to myself before Jorge Pacheco hove into view. More on that in a bit. I'd spent a restless night camped out at the base, complete with phantom memories of pre-race nerves. Quarter moon, stars, utterly delicious. It wasn't even my race, but 20 years of direct connection to the AC100 beast has left a deep imprint. Jorge was first over the top around 0800. I had just settled in 15min prior, after a sleepless night down in ...

Desdemona and Terrazzo break it down for you again, reliving texts you wished you hadn't sent, as found on "Texts From Last Night". Recorded at Hellmouth PolySci, in Hellmouth CA.

Meet Desdemona and Terrazzo. Thanks to the fun-loving folks at xtranormal.com , these upstanding generic cartoon characters will now explain Mysteries of Ultrarunning to you in ways you didn't imagine. Or tell you "So, You Want to Be A Lawyer". Yawn. "Chariots of Fire" it ain't. Momma told you not to come anyway. Here, have some salt.

Terrazzo and Desdemona relive the agony and ecstasy of running 100 miles at the Angeles Crest 100-Mile Endurance Race.

Terrazzo and Desdemona take you through race day at the legendary Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run.

Desdemona and Terrazzo reminisce about the Wasatch Front 100-Mile.

Stairway To The Leadville 100 The famed Leadville Trail 100 Trail Race is lovingly described by your hosts Desdemona and Terrazzo.