Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

  When the Kool Kids started writing “Tenkay” on the 'Gram, I shouted to my valet Hives "that's it! There's the goddamned movie, right there! “ Hundo and TenKay !! "  I dropped my Gauloise, and hammered out the plot on my trusty 1940 Corona. All this was torn from today's pixels and posts of Ultra Drama!  Male coach, female runner! The familiar arc of success, fame, and assigned celebrity virtue! Is this sustainable? Audiences will be on the edge of their certified-vintage ratfuck folding aluminum lawn chairs as they follow the twists and turns of fortune! Sooner or later, he’ll be the Svengali etc while she will be The Hapless Maiden. Fainting couches, gluten-free blunts and vegan White Claw at the ready!  <WIPE TRANSITION> FYI In 1979 I was working paste-up and assembly, night-shift at Seiniger Advertising when they did this movie poster campaign. Bad coffee, smokes, and food runs to the J-Mart down the street. The topic is evergreen yet.   “Hundo an...

Here’s my WR Kit. “Think what I’ve done for the sport…” I'm closing in on 5,000 miles. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. So much so that I need a FAST BOOST! Technology, narcissism and a credit card are gonna give it ALL to me. #StayHardly* This mystery is tailor-made for the Hardly Boys. And their sidekick Nancy "Drew The Short Straw." But all is about to change. She's fed up with being an apostrophe in a a high-asterisk occupation. The Hardly Boys just don't see her for what she is. She's not getting any. Frank Hardly has several drinks too many one night. "So, uh, Nancy, you like to play Tag, right? Well, how about tag... TEAM??" <crickets> Nancy stubs out her Lucky. She looks at Frank. ”You think I was bone yesterday?” ”You mean ‘born’, right?” ”No shit, Sherlock. I said BONE. Draw your own conclusions” Frank's eyes glaze over when he sees the Cuban fishnets. He wants to call his brother Joe Hardly, but knows he's at the weekly Rick Astley VR Zoom...

I was a Flower of the Insta yes when I put emoji in my post like the Installusian girls used or shall I post a heart yes and how he Liked me on his timeline Yes and I thought swell as well Bot as another and then I Liked him with my Likes to Like again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my Insta flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my tags all influence yes and his post was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.  

Julie Andrews would be proud. Sunburn on noses and black flies that’ve bitten Bottles run dry and woods that I’ve shit in, Rattlers coiled up and ready to sing These are a few of my favorite things Comments on salt and trail-head poodles Hairballs and GU-packs and DNFs that are noodled, Lo-mileage coaches that fly on their wings These are a few of my favorite things Long tortured debates on mountain money, Why LEDs and flashlights are so gosh-darn funny! Early departures from motel bed-springs These are a few of my favorite things When the dog bites When the bee stings When I'm feeling sad I simply channel my favorite Ultra things And then I don't feel so bad [originally written May 2005]

Metaphor of my heroic struggle. Santa Barbara, Feb 1980. Film makers will shit a brick and die when they learn about the 2015 SKT Trail Running Movie . Its a documentary about me, dammit. Yes, my heroic metaphoric struggle for world dominance—at the 2015 Sean O’Brien 50 —pushing a shopping cart. With a thundering musical soundtrack too. Maybe with a stray dog at a dark finish line. You'll see me: ...looking at the camera   ... recounting a teachable moment   ... digging deep, hiking the vert, busting the gnar, running my own race   ... cracking manly jokes   ... flirting w Aid-station hotties who are wearing balconette pushup halter-tops and 4” Maximum Drop CMFMs. And it's pouring rain. Don't ask why . ... bagging on elite dewds, etc for being over- talented, skinny punks Cutaways to random various girlfriends looking regretful. Diversity alert: Mexican girls commenting casually in Spanish, no subtitles. Mariachi music. Aid station convoy entourage,...

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