Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Actually, this is the gift you've been waiting to give that special someone. The Gift of Mr Trail Safety Bullshit. Think about it. What do you give that Special Somebody Who's Got Everything? Where do you go when you have Perplexing Questions? That's right. Mr TSBS is specially formulated so you can enjoy it as a hit-n-quit snack, or full-blown Roman Banquet. Here, have some wafers, Mr Creosote:  ================== DUBIOUS ADVICE 12 Advice Nuggets for Newbies & Others   Recently there have been a spate of anguished "drops" from the UltraList regarding content, tone, and suitability of the message, if not the messenger. Inasmuch as the majority of these messages appear to be from relative newcomers to the sport, or the List, some clarifications are necessary. MOUNTAIN BIKERS ARE PUSSIES Last summer I'd staggered to the top of Mt Wilson from Sierra Madre. I wasn't having an especially good day, but the water fountain was reason enough to continue. W...

Behold the Majestick Synergies and Synchronicities of Gawd's Holiday Majestie®™ ! For all of you soldiers in the War On Xmas, this is for you. I was given these gifts by 2 different people, separated by Time and Space, opposite sides of the country...the whole shootin' match. Note the fine detailing on each piece; the subtle lettering on the left [given by Annie G, from NH], and the graceful thumb-stops on the right [received as a White Elephant Gift at my work party in LA]. This image is your next office screensaver.

¡Feliz Ramadan! Hello Everybody! Its that time again--Christmas Newsletter Time. I started the year with a short trip to the Congo, where I was able to extract secret compounds that aid in musical terminal-pain management. This will have great application in elevators and malls all across our great country. I also gained secrets and insights, accompanied by the rumbling of drums, from sage elders who passed on their wisdom by flickering firelight: Buy low, sell high. Word. When I got back to the Good Old USA, I was on hand to give wise advice and counsel to troubled souls as part of my community service requirements following the railroading I got in the 9th District Court. You don't remember? I was sued by militant vegans for my black-powder hunting expedition where I killed the last of the Giant Free-Range Tofurkeys. All that are left now are the tiny ones, who lead a short, pathetic life haunted by mortal fear, but I digress. My community service involved helping...

Old spirits to the New Year. A legacy presentation from the Mr Trail Safety KunstSchriftArkiv. This originally appeared in The Journal of CryptoAethnology, Winter 1999.   Part 1 The snow lay in a crisp white blanket on the ground. The trees were shrouded in ice rime and crystals. One's breath hung in the air in silver wreaths. The outlines of the trees were like silhouettes cut by a happy child with way too much time on it's hands with a dull razor. It was so quiet you could hear a bird fart. And smell it too. But all this was far far away from our hirsute Forest Prince. Where he was living, the semi-tropical air wafted in through the glass louvers, bringing in the warm damp vapors of the great outdoors and carrying with it outside remembrance of his morning pot of coffee and chili. He stood in the kitchen, with his distinctively shaggy short squatty legs sticking out of a pair of oversize canvas shorts, his rotund gut spilling over the top of his "69" belt buckle he...

Be The Power That time of the year, again. This is when all good ultra-Bobs and -Betties look deep into their psychic drop-bags and take inventory of how They Can Do It Better Next Year .  Mr Trail Safety has done some preliminary research, and is happy to share out the results. Here's his Up-Close & Personal Resolution List:  I resolve to have the Victoria's Secret Gals as my crew and pacer for all runs and races over 26.2 miles. They will be dressed in "Sport-Appropriate" attire, consisting partially of fuzzy mules/or 4" Chas Jourdan heels, wee aprons so as not to stain them with Gatorade, etc; large silk turbans and dressing gowns when it gets below 60. They will be provided with satin-covered pith helmets and SPF-69 sunblock during the summer months.  I will high-step it over Katherine's Pass in Utah leading a brass band. The humble procession will conclude with a shaman swinging a censer and a chain-saw. Which one will be smoking the most?  My Ensu...