Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Rush hour distraction, Phoenix AZ, Oct 2005. For some reason it made me think a bit about the country we live in now. Maybe you've seen these numbers, either still or in motion: World War I Woodrow Wilson, DEMOCRAT U.S. deaths-115,000 World War II Franklin Roosevelt, DEMOCRAT U.S. deaths-400,000. Korean War Harry Truman, DEMOCRAT U.S. deaths-36,000 Vietnam War John Kennedy, DEMOCRAT U.S. deaths-58,000. The War in Iraq George Bush, REPUBLICAN U.S. deaths-4,000. This recently surfaced in response to a Joe Conason column in the New York Observer. Of course I answered it. And in honor of the 15 people who'll read this in the next few weeks, here it is, in an expanded exposition. I love it when crap like this bobs up! Lets review the facts, as it is still a "reality-based" world. Let's take down two of these howling wing-nut talking points for starters... World War I : US entry speeded by German torpedos at US shipping, culminating in the sinking of the Lusitania. I...

How many times have you wondered how things change from one state to the other? And how many of those times were you a kind and wondered where all that yummy Spam came from? This is the answer you 've been looking for. I recently rediscovered this obscure revision of the Periodic Table. Pork : elemental sign: PO. Atomic number: 50/50, Relative Atomic Mass: 120.69 Spam: elemental sign: Sp. Atomic number: u81-2, Relative Atomic Mass: 206.666 (note Satanic fractional number) Lead : elemental sign: Pb. Atomic number: 82, Relative Atomic Mass: 207.21 For years it had been conjectured that Spam® was in fact the missing-link isotope of pork. Scientists at D&L Industries Research Lab carefully monitored the projected use-path trajectory, considered its original source, and then followed it to its ultimate atomic conclusion—where it literally turned to Lead. It becomes even more relevant in This Here Holiday Season®™. Especially after the recent LA Times article describing the rel...

Photo taken back when I was fab, just before my very first marathon—I knew nothing . PRE RACE Avoid the pre-race carbo load. It'll put a wad of gummy sludge in yr gut that will buy you nothing. And you'll be thinking of how to take a dump before race start. A better plan is to have no solid food [finished & done] after 5pm the day before the race. Relax wherever you are staying--home or maybe in that hotel you mentioned. Stay off your feet. Plenty of time for that later. THE REAL CARBO-LOAD, 3 Day Program Thurs: 64 oz of mango nectar mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Fri: 64 oz of cranberry juice mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Sat: 32 oz of Gatorade mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/32 oz water You can find the Carboplex at General Nutrition or a similar bodybuilding emporia. At the end of this load you'll feel like a cross between Godzilla and a drag-racer jumping the blocks on a 1/4 mile straightaway. RACE DAY/PRE-RACE Get...

CHANTRY FLATS Angeles Nat Forest, above Sierra Madre CA, hothouse of Rose Bowl Queens Sunday dawned clear and warm. This was the first calendar day of autumn and yet was alive with hundreds of eager, ready and willing tiny bugs that wanted to homestead in any available nostril. That's the glory of love. Meanwhile, J-Lo was making her final tearful preparations. Bennifer was in the bathroom sulking. Her Inflatable Trail Companions in the form of Dr Casino Bingo, Draw Poker and MC Stumpy-D [shout out to all his homies in the HP!] had gathered at Chantry Flats. They were to run a short 22 miles to Millard Campground. A three-hour cruise. Butt-kickers and high-knees the whole way. Enough time to review the contents of the latest JoggersWhirld, and then get back to the mall for a smoothie. Ask Dave, I've forgotten her name already. The climb up Mt Wilson-Phillips passed in a blizzard of splits and statistics. Stumpy-D and Dr Bingo traded whiffleball headers. Draw Poker's head sn...

Here's looking at you, kid. Christmas 2003 I got a double-fistful of Cuban cigars from my aunt. It was the most amazingly 'out of left field' gift that season! What a hoot! That alone was worth it. So now I'm thinking..."today's a slow day, New Year's Eve is tomorrow...what would it be like?" I haven't smoked anything in 24 years. Last week I'd followed a guy smoking a joint on the street. But that was it. Erring on the side of caution, I saw off an inch from the tip of one of these beauties [fake or real Cohibas, they have a very sweet aroma], and put it in a pipe. I'm sitting out on the balcony, and light up. Blue smoke! euphoria! This is great! I'm in love! This eternal state lasts 15 minutes. Then I feel my chest constrict. My head is lightened considerably. I sink backwards. I feel an ominous rumbling in my lower depths. I stand up with effort. I am off-plumb by 10 degrees. Stumbling in to the can, I drop trou and unstead...

Koma bar, little tokyo, LA CA. February 1980. Dear Editors: I never thought I'd be writing to you about something like this. I always used to think that this happened to other guys.  Anyway, I was out in Malibu on Spring Break several weeks ago from Rump-Roast College in Indiana. I didn't know anybody really so I thought I'd go to the beach and try my luck with the local betties. Things were looking pretty bad. It took a hell of a long time to park my dad's car, and I finally got a space hear a fireplug for ten bucks. Score! Then I nearly dropped the car keys into the urinal. But anyway, I had just woken up from a nap when I felt eyes upon me. I turned around and saw the most awesomely stacked green-eyed blonde babe I had ever laid eyes on. I was drawn irresistably to her firm, swelling breasts and hard perky nipples which were insistently thrusting through her low-cut Pep Boys t-shirt. Her long, smooth tanned legs went from the ground all the way up to her in...