Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

  “I wouldn’t be in your situation…” Thus said Chuckie, the Cheez-Kutting Cougar. Star of the trail noir classic “Touchez Pas à Ma Merde”, where he uttered the unforgettable “J'ai pris les collations de Dom, baise-le!” Chuckie seriously doesn’t give a fuck about your training run. Or your race.

Play your cards right, and someday you'll look like this. Periodically I'll go to an event's training run. Certainly not to establish World Dominance, but just to see who and what.  This time we [yrs truly and my enigmatic unindicted co-conspirator "J"] ran the training loop backwards, to see some of the talent that had signed up for the upcoming race.  My speed went off a cliff some time ago, and frankly, I'm past giving a shit.  Here come the frontrunners. Oh boy! The gear, enthusiasm, fresh faces, and KOM FKTs blasting past you. You've got that GoPro Game Face you already imagine in a Thundering Ultra Movie About You. They hit the finish in record time, did the obligatory "aw shucks-gee whiz way-to-go-bro" moves, like in those movies, downloaded your Strokas by Cheezing the Garmin, and so on. Then there are the dogged middle-packers, who seemed to be looking their first trail race in the face, going "holy shit, really?" Fina...

AC100 2014: Dead Man's Bench, Mile 79 "Running for time, not distance" is an eternal lure for distance training . However, races are still measured in distance. Time on feet is important, but ya gotta get somewhere before cut-off. Otherwise this training mod ality is a self-deluding feedback loop.  I found this out in 1986 when I ran my 1st LA Marathon, training out of Ardy Friedburg's "How to Run Your First Marathon". Years later it appeared on Amazon, and I review ed it, as follows: "How to Run Your First Marathon" is a cruel hoax in a breezy, fun, gosh-its-gonna-be-fun style. I bought this book in 1985, when I was training for my first marathon, Los Angeles 1986. It promised a bunch of things, namely "don't worry too much about distance, run for time". That is perfect barney-bait. By the time I was at 20 miles, I'd begun to hate the day I'd imagined that the author knew what he was talking about. OK, ...

Original photos by Jeanne Eby. Don't hold it against her. Eventually I'll get around to saying something profound about holistic eating, being green, and all the rest. In the meantime, it was getting dark, clouds were rolling in, and rain was in the offing. A little dense protein goes a long way to keeping this boy from going into the weeds.

Its mother loved it too. Some of you are doing, or leading training runs on the AC100 course. Here's a checklist to avoid disaster: LEADERS If you're leading a group, then its YOUR responsibility to make sure you've covered all the details. EVERYBODY STARTS/EVERYBODY FINISHES. how many know the route? How many newbies? Pair up experienced w/ newbies.   It's gonna take more time than you think. If somebody has a critical appointment back in town, they'll be late. Guaranteed. EVERYBODY ELSE Know where you're going. Get the map—the RaceBook is full of them. Study it. That's why its there. Take care of business. Proper dress/proper gear. Just because some Internet Kid Jesus runs with a garter belt and a squirt gun does not make it right for you how much fluids/electrolytes are you carrying? Are there any water drops on the way? Do you know where they are? how many are in the group? You'd be surprised how fast you forget. RUNNERS: The gr...

Bialetti Sexto, Saltillo ware, flatware in vintage Swiss Army tool-roll. Chilao Campground, July 4 2014 The best way to preview the Angeles Crest 100 course is the Three-Day 100. It would break out as a notional 40/35/25. This is the best way to get a real sense of what the course is. Its formidable, unrelenting, and demands your complete attention. I’d done it back in ’96, and it gave me a realistic view of what was needed on Race Day.   Of course, Geoff fucking killed it. Now I'm busy writing my self-congratulatory memoirs with the aid of gin and bitters to take the bad taste out of my mouth. But I'm getting ahead of myself. THE SET UP We began putting together the Hyena Three Day 100 an d invited a short list of friends. The short list is to maximize your effort, minimize drag, avoid chickenshit when other people's agendas start clogging up your day. The base camp would be at the Chilao Campgrounds up in the San Gabriels to minimize driving chores. “If ...

Pre-training run espresso, Islip Saddle, June 21 2014. Wrightwood: Mile Zero When Uncle Hal was finished doing the Saturday pre-training run advisories, he said “Larry’s gonna be sweeping, got anything to add?” “Yes I do. If I catch up to you, then your training sucks” Nervous gusts of laughing followed. As it should be. The herd is being thinned. There are runners who are not prepared, coasting on some kind of delusional fumes. If you haven’t learned that showing up without a real cap, wearing dark clothing, eating crap food and carrying insufficient fluids are not sustainable methods for surviving the early summer heat, you’ve got problems. Insufficient mileage? Got injuries you're not letting heal? That too. The main pack thundered off into the distance. I’m left with my own unspooling colorful adventure; the business of getting back into shape. And the Acorn Trail pitches straight up for the next two miles up to the PCT. The last five weeks have been exercises in rec...

This is a mile off the race course on Mt Williamson 50 miles back, but it's important. The Last 26 Miles This section is a lover who’ll rake your back, fuck you so hard that you’d stay fucked, then ignore your calls. A standout in a Race that’s pretty much the same way. Its harsh, demanding, and indifferent to your esthetic preferences. You learn to love it on its own terms. Getting nervous? Wonderful. You’re looking at a legacy original mountain hundred, not a “backyard cheese-ball loop 100”, as Luis Escobar so eloquently described it. Spoiler alert I got my ass kicked. Its become the pattern for the summer: race , ass-kick recovery run . Minutes after the start from Chantry Flats, I’m practically by myself, Jeanne is seeing this part of the course for the first time. Now I get to find out how much I really remember of the course. The ribbons start coming down. Today, we’re lucky. Uncle Hal and friends are hosting an aid station at the 94 mile mark, 18 on today’s outin...

The Scenic Mound between Kratka and Eagle's Roost. [Mon, May 26, 2014] This morning my brain is mud. I slept in til 7. Overall I had a good, tough day yesterday. My job was to sweep the course of marker surveyor ribbons put up by the training run front-runner. I’m so slow right now its the only honorable way to participate. Pre-start pix were taken, but I declined to be in. Its the runner’s show, not mine. Yesterday's 27 mile Islip to Chilao AC100 training run was held under optimal conditions. That's not a typo. Weather was generally mild, there was generous aid from dedicated volunteers. God bless all of you. And it still kicked unholy ass. Wait until it really gets hot. The first-timers, accompanied by veterans, experienced a very challenging section of the course that is always overshadowed by Mt Wilson and other glamor-betties. They are the wise ones who got to feel the lay of the land and the route that is beyond the grasp of a GPS or any other app. For all...