Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Father’s Day dawned with not a clue of what was to transpire. The Original Plan was to drive up into the mountains, and extract a meaningful run from the trails. And thus I would honor the Billions of Unborn that had sprung from my loins into the aether. However, Fate intervened. CalTrans had closed Highway 2 just above the sleeping and complacent exurb of La Pinata. A blinking sign notified the hordes of suicidal rice-rocketeers that there was a brush fire in progress, so kindly go elsewhere. But as not to discriminate, this aviso was extended to the general public as well. I put the Squirrel into a 180-drift, and lost only one of the 40” spinnies I’d put on last week, and continued down to the Windsor/Arroyo parking lot. I wedged in amongst all the agitated Velo-Bobs, and began my Final Preparations. And so were they, anticipating a crankin’ drive up to Mt Wilson-Phillips, and then to hurl themselves off the top from Red Box, and like be ragin’and shit down through Switzer’s Camp, ...

It all seemed so klar, Herr Komissar. Sitting under Dwarf Bo Tree in the famed Corral Canyon parking lot under the late noonday sun, the shade was just enough to lower my core temperature down to brown dwarf levels. From there it was just the canonical 4.2 miles back to the Squirrel, a partial afternoon of temporized frolic in the Santa Monicas. But that was yet to come. Earlier that morning, I was a mere portent of a Jung Mandala. I was heading up the Pacific Coast Highway, where coastal fog gripped Malibu like Aimee Mann's implacably hostile indifferent lyrics. Once up Latigo Canyon, all was a crystalline harshness that promised a fine hot day. So much for the love of a blonde. Sunday was the Season's First Hot Training Run of the Rest Of Your Life. We've all been here before, and every year it gets flushed away. Hence, the joy of rediscovery. If gamma rays are subatomic iron molecules boring holes in your corpus delicti, then photons are their dilettante cousins, leaving...

Photo taken back when I was fab, just before my very first marathon—I knew nothing . PRE RACE Avoid the pre-race carbo load. It'll put a wad of gummy sludge in yr gut that will buy you nothing. And you'll be thinking of how to take a dump before race start. A better plan is to have no solid food [finished & done] after 5pm the day before the race. Relax wherever you are staying--home or maybe in that hotel you mentioned. Stay off your feet. Plenty of time for that later. THE REAL CARBO-LOAD, 3 Day Program Thurs: 64 oz of mango nectar mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Fri: 64 oz of cranberry juice mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Sat: 32 oz of Gatorade mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/32 oz water You can find the Carboplex at General Nutrition or a similar bodybuilding emporia. At the end of this load you'll feel like a cross between Godzilla and a drag-racer jumping the blocks on a 1/4 mile straightaway. RACE DAY/PRE-RACE Get...

Guillermo Medina, 2005 winner. AC100 finish line. Johnson's Field, Altadena CA. 050925_9079_01 Angeles Crest has never failed to amaze and surprise. What is canonical received wisdom at 30 miles was turned inside out and abandoned at the finish line. Everything you thought you knew was wrong. Guillermo Medina won it in a personal best of 19:33. By carefully picking and choosing his races for this last year, he saved his mojo for the Big Show. In front of him was Jorge Pacheco, three-time winner. Behind him were two of the fiercest no-brakes downhill runners this race has seen in the last ten years, Tom Nielsen and Andy Jones-Wilkins. Tom's won it twice before . The first time was a remarkable come-from-behind assault on Scott Jurek's  "unassailable" lead in 1999 where he caught Jurek at 83 miles in the black hole that is IdleHour. By the way, that lead was nearly an hour. That was also the year Ann Trason had her head handed to her, and she dropped at ...

Team graphic for the 1997 Leadville effort. Originally posted in 1999. I did LT100 2.5 times, which was sufficient. The schlong remains the same, for those about to depart etc etc ... Stairway To Leadville There's a Kansas femme who's been sold, that all that buckles are gold And she's buying a stairway to Leadville When she gets there she knows, if the entries are all closed With a word she can get what she came for Ooh - ooh And she's buying a stairway to Leadville There's a pile on the trail, but she don't want to fail, 'Cause you know DNF's have two meanings In a latrine by the dam there's a squirrel who scams Sometimes all of our jogbras are misshapen Ooh, and I watch you blunder Ooh, and I watch you blunder There's a feeling I get when when my shoes are all wet And my spirit is crying for Bag-Balm Thru my brown-eye I've seen rings of fire through my knees And the voices of those who are standing just loo...

Misty Mountain Double-Donger: Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition   DATELINE: SEPT 14, 2003 ICE HOUSE CANYON, CA   "Morning had broken, like it does for infidels" as once was sung by Cat "Jihaadi" Stevens hung in the air like a cheap coat. This uplifting canticle set the tone for the Late Season Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition. The mandate of the expedition was clear: to seek out and destroy new worlds of understanding in the rugged and vertically-challenged peaks above the Ontario Mills Mall and Jail-Bait Recreation Zone.  The Crack Team was assembled in the gathering light: Dr Casino Bingo, Mr Trail Safety, and "Micah White" [not his real name]. It was to be a lightning strike, an unsupported scientific enquiry into the lives of the secretive and reclusive San Gabriel Barking Duck.  The Expedition would insert at Ice House Canyon, make a rapid upward foray up the [Roy] Chapman [Andrews] Trail to Ice House Saddle. Pausing ...

JT 3.2 Joshua Tree VisionKwest 3.2 .69 CEUs PRE-REQUISITE: Basic Knowledge of VisionKwest Study Materials. ESSENTIAL READING LIST: Shakira, Heidi Klum, Saul Alinsky, Maxim. FACULTY: C Bingo & D Poker Become as One with the Indifferent Vastness of the Sonoran/Colorado Desert Interface as you accompany Professors Casino Bingo & Draw Poker on a select scenic running tour of the Joshua Tree Nat Park. Seminar begins at Boy Scout Trail and ends up at Split Rock. Landmarks encountered along the way include but are not limited to Cap Rock, Geology Tour Road, chubby boy Scout Leaders, sweating German tourists, Pine City, Queen Mine, corpulent RV drivers, Dildo's Cave, and sweating poodles running in circles around parking lots. Runner expected to provide own pickle-brine and chorizo. 1 mtg: Sat Mar 22, 0700. =======SECTION CLOSED======= My hands shook as I read the course description. Where was mention of awards, prize money, permits and short-course PRs???? I hadn't been this n...

This could be you. Have a nice day. I originally posted this in 1999 or so. It has a long shelf-life and the mouth-feel is still wonderful. Recently there have been a spate of anguished "drops" from the UltraList regarding content, tone, and suitability of the message, if not the messenger. Inasmuch as the majority of these messages appear to be from relative newcomers to the sport, or the List, some clarifications are necessary. I want to thank Suzi Shearer and Laurie Staton for their historical reviews of basic Ultra Facts, such as "Grand Slam" info and other epistolary nuggets they kindly shared out amongst all of us. Be glad they paid attention to your requests...they are wonderful people with busy lives of their own. Also: The List is not a 7-11 One-Stop Info-Dump Carry-Out designed to get Newbies thru "Baby's First Ultra". It is a bulletin board. Most of the posts are superfluous and meaningless. Some are even pretty funny, intentional...

Imagine being strapped to the roof of your mother's car. You are being driven through the countryside. Bugs stick to your teeth. Nobody wants to stop for ice cream. You have no control over the process. You are not yet a complete part of the environment. Now the car arrives at a trailhead. You are left wearing two left shoes and a pair of extra-small "Batman" underwear. The shoes are sequined. The parking lot is full of Cub Scouts. You've gotta wedgie. They are paying close attention. You will be able to use all of your senses. Now imagine stepping onto the trail. Before going anywhere, you are wearing welder's gloves and you need to thread a needle. You have been asked to complete an incomplete circumcision on an irritable, elderly bull elephant-seal. Think of yourself as the thread and the trail as the eye of the needle. Knit one, purl two. Do not deprive yourself of any of your senses by separating yourself from what's beneath your feet and ahead of you. Co...