Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Its mother loved it too. Some of you are doing, or leading training runs on the AC100 course. Here's a checklist to avoid disaster: LEADERS If you're leading a group, then its YOUR responsibility to make sure you've covered all the details. EVERYBODY STARTS/EVERYBODY FINISHES. how many know the route? How many newbies? Pair up experienced w/ newbies.   It's gonna take more time than you think. If somebody has a critical appointment back in town, they'll be late. Guaranteed. EVERYBODY ELSE Know where you're going. Get the map—the RaceBook is full of them. Study it. That's why its there. Take care of business. Proper dress/proper gear. Just because some Internet Kid Jesus runs with a garter belt and a squirt gun does not make it right for you how much fluids/electrolytes are you carrying? Are there any water drops on the way? Do you know where they are? how many are in the group? You'd be surprised how fast you forget. RUNNERS: The gr...

A Prescription Course In Miracles requires proper offerings to assure a good outcome. Adventures In Doctor Land During my last physical, t he doctor unwittingly revealed a voodoo truth in the American psyche: the cure for death is always five years away from today. Tomorrow, it will be repeated all over again. In other words, don't do anything out of the ordinary, and you'll live forever.  I had no idea how much fun it was going to be.  It started with the Self-Assessment Form in the lobby. Sample questions included 'Are you/have you':  …smoke? …own a gun? …drink? how much? …are you beaten by your partner? …take drugs …unprotected sex? OK fine. I checked all that applied. Shortly I was called in, and was met by Sonia, a cute Latina. She was reading off the list doing follow-up, which were curve-balls. Since I was at bat, I gave it my all. Did you smoke? Hell yeah. Years ago. If it burned, I inhaled. Are you joking? Drugs? A very long time ...

LG prior to Shadow of the Giants 50k with Magic Race Number. The lesser the accomplishment the bigger the picture. Action-selfie by Geoff Cordner. Don't hold it against him. Everything you’ve read about this race* is true. Now its up to me to provide lies and embellishments. Baz Hawley kept us waiting around prior to yelling “FUCK OFF” to start the race. In time-honoured fashion he regaled us with details about his latest medical procedures, presumably his Acute Mangina. He's retired more times than Cher, but nevermind. The assembled multitudes were busy busting out selfies, whiling away the boxcar waiting and nervous walking typical of these events. The moment the race started, all the real talent ran away. Guys: this means you’re not taking enough time doing What Needs To Be Done. Ladies: this is where the fun starts—Barry White and Suntan Oil. We all know where it goes from here. I did what I do best: boring the living shit out of runners unlucky enough who didn’t get ...

haiku for winter trailrunning by Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast. Title in all lower case means its very sensitive and concerned.  Trail snow is gnar, dude. Microspikes scrape ice — surprise! Airborne panic… why? Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast flourished in the Late Hentai Period of the Gyoza Shogunate. He is believed to have lived and practiced in the Gojira Prefecture.

Facebook banner ad for D&L Holistic Industries social-media rollout D&L Holistic Industries is a proud sponsor of the SKT Accelerated Method used by the   SKT Ribbon-Chasers  and the SKT Cutoff Chasers to organically created individually tailored success modules. This is based on results-oriented transformative cognitive dissonance to refine the techniques and output for mentoring capacities. SKT Technologies is a fully-accredited entity.  Offshore Vacuum Party Ltd Gmbh is a proud thought-partner in this process. 

First unleashed Tue, 12 Jun 2001 18:32:07 -0700 Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all *so* wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop! :) First, I want to thank Gawd®. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see what kind of buckles *He* hands out!!! Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day! My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion Chinese, now there's a combo!!! Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10 places. Vol...

!guanaTrdz—the Go-to Paleo Treat! Hello, another New Year! Yes, a whole stack of wishful thinking nuggets are all ready to be flung outwards into the Universe, which is indifferent to your plight. Bunches of you out there in UltraLandia are wondering "How the fuck am I ever going to be faster/better/more awesomesaucely than I am already?" Good question, get out your credit card. But first, a word from one of our sponsors. !guanaTrdz   Energy Bars. New energy bars consisting entirely of lizard-made, holistically harvested, sustainable, from contented Fijian iguanas in their natural free-range habitat. Each bar contains 10g of protein and 50g of fiber. Recommended by experts world-wide in the treatment of Irritable Vowel Syndrome. PETA-approved. Proud sponsor of the URFKT100, and other fine events. No animals were harmed or their 401ks looted in the making of this product. Have a nice day! Is this mike on? Seriously—you're just not going to get faster. I can ...

Its what you need, what you need. My pre-race crystal visions were shattered at 0445 by Norteña music. From 300 yards away, the musicians plaintively elucidated all the primary infinitives of estar, cantar, llorar, mandar and so on. For this I waited 10 years since my last ultra? I silently thanked el Profesor Mauricio for bringing me two steps further into knowledge. Slowly, I began firing on one cylinder, which took a while. After bleeding the master-line, I synchronized my watch from a sundial, because gnomon is an island unto himself. Due to the mist, my astrolabe was useless, but it mattered not.  The parking was now filled by cars with "26.2", "140.6" and similar stickers on them. This alerts thieves that they can steal skanky socks and shorts that smell like ass if they only wait.  RD Luis Escobar, in full authoritative charro regalia, gave an epic hellfire & damnation notification after the orientation speech—"If you come to me saying I go...

Actually, this is the gift you've been waiting to give that special someone. The Gift of Mr Trail Safety Bullshit. Think about it. What do you give that Special Somebody Who's Got Everything? Where do you go when you have Perplexing Questions? That's right. Mr TSBS is specially formulated so you can enjoy it as a hit-n-quit snack, or full-blown Roman Banquet. Here, have some wafers, Mr Creosote:  ================== DUBIOUS ADVICE 12 Advice Nuggets for Newbies & Others   Recently there have been a spate of anguished "drops" from the UltraList regarding content, tone, and suitability of the message, if not the messenger. Inasmuch as the majority of these messages appear to be from relative newcomers to the sport, or the List, some clarifications are necessary. MOUNTAIN BIKERS ARE PUSSIES Last summer I'd staggered to the top of Mt Wilson from Sierra Madre. I wasn't having an especially good day, but the water fountain was reason enough to continue. W...

After many years of sitting in movie theatres watching various Hollywood leavings, I've formulated The Three Laws Of Cinematic Science Fiction: 1] Primary action takes place primarily at night. Science fiction in raw daylight is a washed-out proposition. 2] The story line is usually dependent on heavy First-World technology. Too bad it looks completely dated 10 minutes after theatrical release. 3] Protagonists and problem solving methodologies are mostly white, who have great teeth and shiny hair. People of any color besides white, and who live outside the 310 area code are vastly under-represented in the sci-fi canon. By contrast, Marin County is mysteriously over-represented. Oh hell! Its more fun to shoot in Marin than Indio, or SW Nebraska.

Your morning is now ruined. Several of us were discussing this on Tuesday night. My favorite Backstreet Boyz songs from The 2-Pac Tribute Albumz are: FRONTIN-NOT-HUMPIN I'M WISHIN I WAZ FREAKIN YOUR SISTER IN HER PASSAT IF I BEG REAL NICE, CAN I DO YOU? MY UNDEROOS R 2 TITE PREP SCHOOL SLAP DOWN [3" REMIX] TAKIN IT TO THE CUL-DE-SAC MAX ZITZ GIRL, I THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY MILKSHAKES AND ROOFIES IN ORLANDO and yes, YOUR MAMA'S PLACE IN CABO All this is to set the stage for your discovery of Rage Against The Machine's long-lost "Chiapas Sleigh-Ride: the Zapatista Xmas Album" . also, not to be missed: R Kelly: "Stray Cat Blues" Avril Lavigne: "Cher Before Her Thyme" Michael & John Bolton: "Classic Renditions" Richard Simmons: "Channeling John Lee Hooker" PS: you know you want this: "Britney Lip-Syncs Nico"

Photo taken back when I was fab, just before my very first marathon—I knew nothing . PRE RACE Avoid the pre-race carbo load. It'll put a wad of gummy sludge in yr gut that will buy you nothing. And you'll be thinking of how to take a dump before race start. A better plan is to have no solid food [finished & done] after 5pm the day before the race. Relax wherever you are staying--home or maybe in that hotel you mentioned. Stay off your feet. Plenty of time for that later. THE REAL CARBO-LOAD, 3 Day Program Thurs: 64 oz of mango nectar mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Fri: 64 oz of cranberry juice mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Sat: 32 oz of Gatorade mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/32 oz water You can find the Carboplex at General Nutrition or a similar bodybuilding emporia. At the end of this load you'll feel like a cross between Godzilla and a drag-racer jumping the blocks on a 1/4 mile straightaway. RACE DAY/PRE-RACE Get...

Note: Some of the original recipients made some suggestions and I felt that the UltraList in All It's Glory might benefit. Then again, maybe not. This is a Full-Spectrum Data Dump, so plan accordingly . PROLOGUE Yes. The title is a come-on and a cheap shill. For this is really the story of one Andy Roth, who in the shape and form of VisionKwest Seeker "Casino Bingo", came to terms with Truth, Adventure, Manliness and Blood-Suckin' Freaks of Nature known as mosquitos. The wise man wonders why mosquitos don't pick on large and immobile pumpkins or zucchinis. That will be answered later. THE STANDARD NARRATIVE The Normal Ultra-Narrative commences here with the following incantations: When I arrived at [race] I met [folks]. I ate the big pasta dinner at [locale]. I got up the next morning and took a good long [euphemism]. The race began. Things were looking pretty good. My splits were pretty near the [lotto numbers] I had planned. At about mile [tbd] ...

[first inflicted on an unsuspecting audience in 1997] We arrive at a resting state. Objects have assumed their entropic limits. The green Tassel-headed Korn anticipates its mortal end before the sharp knives in the harvest time. We are now, of course, above THE FARTRESS OF SOLITUDE. Our Tortured Young UltraRunner sits and ponders the spectacle before him. He is wearing his Hat. It shades his fevered brow from the Brightness before him. All of his silver and bronze buckles, the plaques, conspire to refract the piercing brightness of the track-lighting from their awesomeness. He should be happy, but his countenance is furrowed. He is wrestling with the weighty thought that at the End of The Last Great Race, There Is No Finish Line. He hadn't expected this. He expected a round of thunderous applause at the AC100 awards ceremony. All he heard was the pounding of distant surf when he put the milk carton up to his ear. He had his speech ready, trimmed it down to a brisk 14 minutes. He in...

The buckle looks like this. No shit. Doppeldonger 50/50: My First 50K Buckle (Part XXII) The gun went off. I was charging up Boner Cyn, arms churning and butt-cheeks flapping. Pretty soon the race was down to double digits. At the first aid station (Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, 1:20) I wrestled a lawnchair away from a very large woman in polyester tights and a "Lion King" sweatshirt. Her skinny wispy-bearded boyfriend "Nigel" who was wearing a Klingon Starfleet Academy jumpsuit was getting agitated, but fuck him! I was the ultra-stud gunning for my first buckle, OK? I changed my shoes and re-vaselined my face. Now I was ready. The last foot-long chili-dog was history. My loins were girded. I was the Inner Warrior. Here are some notes I made during the race, with my splits: Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, (1:20) Wanker Hollow Pass 9.5mi Mother's Lament (12.8mi) Highway 69 Underpass (14.6mi) Wheezer Creek (17.2 mi) Brown-Eye Summit (20.1) Bongwater Cross...