Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Angeles Crest 100 opens its panic-Goober Gold Rush entry process the day after the race ends. A week later, after a cryptic “lottery,” the next year's entrants are announced. They now have a year to get their one 50-mile qualifying race done, just like in 1986. The First-time Entrants With Zero Prior Finishes compose the overwhelming majority of the field: 177 with 83 all other prior finishers. I began to wonder what are their immediate qualifications? It runs the gamut from names like Jim Walmsley [WS100] and Darcy Piceu [Hardrock 100, Bigfoot 120], to the entrant with the one recorded 7mi finish. Also noted that there were a startling number of half- and full Ironman finishers. I didn't include these finishes, because at best its a marathon. I expect yelps on that too.  The stats showed that: 22% have no ultra experience whatsoever at signup, only 14% have completed a 50-miler. Entrants in the None category might not have any qualifiers; or the data may be absent,...

Guillaume Callmettes, 2nd place 100-Mile God, listens to the low-ball comedy of a late 50k finisher. THE RACE The Kodiak 100 Ultras are set in the Big Bear region of the San Bernardino Mts, elevations from 6-10,00’.  The races are the 100mi, 50mi, and 2 50k variants: Front [first 50k] and Back [last 50k]. I opted for the Back 50k, which I’ll refer to as the Kodiak BearBak’d Rear 50k, strictly for its aspects of intimate punishment and acquaintance. You’ll get your mountain-money’s worth here. Mountains, dry mountains. Take note. The Kodiak is still fine-tuning itself. Its an old-school ultra— with minimal markings, and necessary aid-stations with lean but adequate offerings. If you’re looking for your first Care Bear Ultra, with strawberries, vegan-chow, gluten-free what-the-fuck ever nosh; look elsewhere. Get ready to spend a lot of time out there by yourself. Its that good. This shit is tough, and you’ll get served. Ditto any notions of conquering the cours...

A typical bogus candidate profile. [revised Jan 30, 2015] When I first wrote this, I was coming to grips with the staggering number of fake profiles in Facebook Landia applying to the ultrarunning Facebook group. Note lower-case U. Since this, I've become ruthless in dealing with this problem. My first line of inquiry into an ultra-candidate is UltraSignUp.com, a great bullshit detector. And if there's any further doubt, I'll look on RealEndurance.com . Here's the current ABOUT. It's edited down from the original, and still nobody reads it. Too bad. This non-commercial site is about ultrarunning only. This growing group of informed ultrarunners is an excellent knowledge base. Please share your ultrarunning stories, adventures, goals, race reports, and questions. Nothing focuses the mind like a cut-off. Everyone here has passed that simple test. 1] MEMBERSHIP REQUIREMENTS, in effect since April 2013 verified completion of at least one [1] 50k via Ult...

Welcome Veterinarians. And if you get hurt, lost, or die—its your own damned fault. All had gathered for the Third Annual Born To Run Ultras, and spent their night hours building towards the inevitable Rosy-Fingered Dawn. There was a moment of silence following the five shotgun blasts which shattered the remaining dreams of the fitfully sleeping fragile eggshell minds. Then the Void was filled with ranchera drum-kits and button accordions singing of lost love, Tijuana, amor y duelo, all embroidered with other infinitive Spanish verb forms.  The Born To Run Ultras is an exclusive lifestyle spa where the select can enjoy miles and miles of dirt, Merde de Vache Aromatherapy, Vinyasa-Flow Solar Immersions complete with locally-sourced wind-borne micro-abrasian defoliating treatments. The same whispering wind has rowdy siblings that will also turn your EZ-Up into a whirling airborne object.  But enough of that! Four races were on tap: a 10mi flamer loop, a 50k, 100k, and f...

The Ultrarunner's Low-Archy of Needs The UltraRunner's Low-Archy of Needs was first proposed in 1994 during the D&L Colloquiums which have been studying what motivates brain-dead trail runners. Further research and study [Bingo:1997] suggested that esoteric stimuli-respond cues played a large part in cortical devolution. Further insights on the nature of sonic dissonance/interpretations of Antonio Carlos Jobim's "Girl From Ipanema [Fopak:1999] were seminal in the pursuit of relativity, and shit. Mapping this conceptual terrain had defied space, time and logic. It "must've gotten lost, somewhere down the line", but was recovered, not just waiting for the end of the world.

Somewhere out on the WS100 Course, June 1993. Note: This post was originally unleashed to the UltraList on  December 10, 2011 12:11:26 PM PST Not only is this still largely relevant to WS100, but practically every other major 100 in the US, right now. Times have changed, and things need to be rethought. Hello, fun-hogs! Yes, its that time of year when thousands of anxious WS100 hopefuls agonize over whether or not they're in the magic circle. Are they 3-time losers in the 2nd degree? Nominated and EZ-Passed due to Extraordinary Accomplishments or somesuch? Busted out a 50-miler somewhere on a 2% downhill course? Probably not. So lets go down to the killing floor, and go to work. Here are some ideas. COMPLETELY ELIMINATE the 50-mile race requirement. This is dead meat, and has been festering like a zombie with bad manners for way too long. The new baseline qualifier would be a *FIVE prior 100-mile finishes* requirement. Yes, this is harsh. And pay phones are gone foreve...

The Jessica Simpson Flagon Of Forgetfulness Awaits Here's a sweet rhetorical question for you: "Are Ultrarunners A Family?" I'll be the Ancient Voice Of The Dead here and say that "no, ultrarunners are not family". Any more than pistol-enthusiasts, RV'ers, quilters, or MTB'ers. These are ALL associations. An association is a group of similarly-minded and focused interest group. You are born into, or marry into, a family—that's it. Families are composed of people you didn't choose. Finally—the humble runner, is invisible. Does not go out of their way to honk on about being inspirational or set an example. They simply do. Its insanely hard. Sure, if they help somebody, its a natural action. They aren't posing for their Instagram, tweeting their virtue, updating their Faceblurt, and so on. So when you meet some duck in shorts and they're going on about their good works, they're an egotistical horse's ass. Because its all...

Its what you need, what you need. My pre-race crystal visions were shattered at 0445 by Norteña music. From 300 yards away, the musicians plaintively elucidated all the primary infinitives of estar, cantar, llorar, mandar and so on. For this I waited 10 years since my last ultra? I silently thanked el Profesor Mauricio for bringing me two steps further into knowledge. Slowly, I began firing on one cylinder, which took a while. After bleeding the master-line, I synchronized my watch from a sundial, because gnomon is an island unto himself. Due to the mist, my astrolabe was useless, but it mattered not.  The parking was now filled by cars with "26.2", "140.6" and similar stickers on them. This alerts thieves that they can steal skanky socks and shorts that smell like ass if they only wait.  RD Luis Escobar, in full authoritative charro regalia, gave an epic hellfire & damnation notification after the orientation speech—"If you come to me saying I go...

I'm going to aim for the knockout points right up front, and flat out tell you that the ideal pacer is above the average runner, and a tough, lean, canny guide and wily co-competitor for the above-average runner. The ideal pacer is an expert, the ghillie for the hunt here, and if you're gunning for a buckle, all the positive help you can get is for the better. However, we all start at the beginning. If this is your first time pacing, think very carefully about the following: Are you up for "running" [or not] above or below your comfort zone? Do you have romantic notions about the task ahead of you? This encompasses both overt or cryptic attachments to your runner [provided you know them], and/or the business about being out all night and the brutal part of the day. Have you run at night? More than once? On the course? In bad weather? Do you have an urgent, time-sensitive appointment Saturday or Sunday? Too bad. You'll miss it, guaranteed. ...

It made sense at the time. Rollin' Away the Stone: Year Zero-Six I: Alles Kaputt The bungee cord of recovered memory took me back. Back to the opening scenes of the powerful film "Das Bööty" , where the lanky Herr Kapitan G of U-812 was studying the world through the powerful ZeissOptikon Periskop. He'd been stalking the elusive "Convoy Odalisque" for several days--the round-bottomed freighters were tempting, but he had to wait for the proper moment. Little Dieter the radioman was monitoring the convoy signals. Suddenly he began to pick up the cluster LS-MFT...LS-MFT...LS-MFT. A distress call broadcast in the clear. Herr Kapitan G 's commands were curt, with no schwitters. "Es ist total alte Schule...senken Sie den Periscope" The periscope retracted swiftly to the deck as the klaxon brayed its 2-note "Muff-diving! Muff-diving!" alert. The Bosun bellowed "Prepare torpedoes!" The swift and deadly Mark VI...

So, tired of those cute lists that people make? Thought you were. Too bad, here's another. SIX AND ONE-HALF REASONS TO BE AN ULTRARUNNER GUY 6. You can piss while you run. 5. You can piss while you walk. 4. You can make pretty patterns while settling the trail dust. 3. If you should find yourself standing and taking a leak, you can hold yr love-gun with one hand, and swill from your bottle with the other. 2. When you're done, you can scratch your ass with the other hand. 1. You can use the same hand that nursed your johnson to troll through the aid-station offerings, and nobody will ever know. Or vice versa. 1/2. After you are all through with any of the previous, and there is still a large hill ahead of you, you can still rifle your sinuses and dislodge those troublesome adobe trail-nuggets. yrs ever devotedly, mr trail safety