Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

September 2006, Myra Ave north of Santa Monica Blvd, here in Silver Lake.

Father’s Day dawned with not a clue of what was to transpire. The Original Plan was to drive up into the mountains, and extract a meaningful run from the trails. And thus I would honor the Billions of Unborn that had sprung from my loins into the aether. However, Fate intervened. CalTrans had closed Highway 2 just above the sleeping and complacent exurb of La Pinata. A blinking sign notified the hordes of suicidal rice-rocketeers that there was a brush fire in progress, so kindly go elsewhere. But as not to discriminate, this aviso was extended to the general public as well. I put the Squirrel into a 180-drift, and lost only one of the 40” spinnies I’d put on last week, and continued down to the Windsor/Arroyo parking lot. I wedged in amongst all the agitated Velo-Bobs, and began my Final Preparations. And so were they, anticipating a crankin’ drive up to Mt Wilson-Phillips, and then to hurl themselves off the top from Red Box, and like be ragin’and shit down through Switzer’s Camp, ...

Last week I decided I'd heard enough from the Rat RaceTrack above my head. Too much frolicking and fun at the expense of a night's sleep. It was unlikely that in the New Regime, the new owners were likely to call Western Exterminator anytime soon. It was time to take action. After work I went to Anawalt Hardware, and followed the well-beaten path to the Rat Department. Hoisting myself up out of the groove in the concrete, I studied my options. I was amused at the array of rat devices on sale. There were various kinds of rat-traps, rat poisons, rat catch-devices, rat condos, and rat sonic annoyers that you can plug into the wall sockets. Before I made my final choice, I had to check them out. One was a metal tubular tunnel that presumed Mr or Mrs Dim Rat was going to stroll in, and then stay in, while a light went off outside. You could then take the tunnel, and humanely turn the affected rodent loose somewhere else, probably after making it promise to sin no more. A simpler...

It all seemed so klar, Herr Komissar. Sitting under Dwarf Bo Tree in the famed Corral Canyon parking lot under the late noonday sun, the shade was just enough to lower my core temperature down to brown dwarf levels. From there it was just the canonical 4.2 miles back to the Squirrel, a partial afternoon of temporized frolic in the Santa Monicas. But that was yet to come. Earlier that morning, I was a mere portent of a Jung Mandala. I was heading up the Pacific Coast Highway, where coastal fog gripped Malibu like Aimee Mann's implacably hostile indifferent lyrics. Once up Latigo Canyon, all was a crystalline harshness that promised a fine hot day. So much for the love of a blonde. Sunday was the Season's First Hot Training Run of the Rest Of Your Life. We've all been here before, and every year it gets flushed away. Hence, the joy of rediscovery. If gamma rays are subatomic iron molecules boring holes in your corpus delicti, then photons are their dilettante cousins, leaving...

My life is complete--I'd put the 40" spinner rims and rear-deck deflector on the Squirrel. The mountains beckoned. This story begins in a desultory manner. It was a cold and dreary night, Heather Locklear was on the sofa eating bon-bons, pining somewhat over the priapic departure of one Richie Sombrero, when suddenly...a shot rang out! She shivered as the flimsy peignoir slipped provocatively down, revealing what to my wondering eyes! but a copy of Dr Geo Sheehan's "Running for Dummies". Oh. My. God. There it was--the oft-thumbed chapter on What To Do After Boston . People often ask me about my training methods. My answers are Delphic in their delineations. Here is an instance. Last weekend, Dr Casino Bingo and I did a Circuita Minora, a Mini-Me Transect if you will, a diet-slice portion of the San Gabriels. After duly fortified by a Grade-B Breakfast, we made it to the Trail Head at Clear Creek, the crossroads where the Angeles Forest Hwy crosses Highway 2. T...

It made sense at the time. Rollin' Away the Stone: Year Zero-Six I: Alles Kaputt The bungee cord of recovered memory took me back. Back to the opening scenes of the powerful film "Das Bööty" , where the lanky Herr Kapitan G of U-812 was studying the world through the powerful ZeissOptikon Periskop. He'd been stalking the elusive "Convoy Odalisque" for several days--the round-bottomed freighters were tempting, but he had to wait for the proper moment. Little Dieter the radioman was monitoring the convoy signals. Suddenly he began to pick up the cluster LS-MFT...LS-MFT...LS-MFT. A distress call broadcast in the clear. Herr Kapitan G 's commands were curt, with no schwitters. "Es ist total alte Schule...senken Sie den Periscope" The periscope retracted swiftly to the deck as the klaxon brayed its 2-note "Muff-diving! Muff-diving!" alert. The Bosun bellowed "Prepare torpedoes!" The swift and deadly Mark VI...

Your morning is now ruined. Several of us were discussing this on Tuesday night. My favorite Backstreet Boyz songs from The 2-Pac Tribute Albumz are: FRONTIN-NOT-HUMPIN I'M WISHIN I WAZ FREAKIN YOUR SISTER IN HER PASSAT IF I BEG REAL NICE, CAN I DO YOU? MY UNDEROOS R 2 TITE PREP SCHOOL SLAP DOWN [3" REMIX] TAKIN IT TO THE CUL-DE-SAC MAX ZITZ GIRL, I THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GAY MILKSHAKES AND ROOFIES IN ORLANDO and yes, YOUR MAMA'S PLACE IN CABO All this is to set the stage for your discovery of Rage Against The Machine's long-lost "Chiapas Sleigh-Ride: the Zapatista Xmas Album" . also, not to be missed: R Kelly: "Stray Cat Blues" Avril Lavigne: "Cher Before Her Thyme" Michael & John Bolton: "Classic Renditions" Richard Simmons: "Channeling John Lee Hooker" PS: you know you want this: "Britney Lip-Syncs Nico"

Uncle Hal WInton kicking it old-school, trail work. Hanta ho, truthseekers!  AC100 Trail Work This past Saturday I ascended the Aulde Mt Wilson-Phillips trail, departing the Shire of Sierra Madre, wherein the Hobbits were busy for another fine breezy day of debt-stacking down at the Santa Anita Mall, and perhaps the Racetrack. I, of course, was a mendicant on my way to see the first trail work of the new year, led by the inestimable Hal Winton. Uncle Hal, you may recall, is the co-RD of the AC100. In this capacity, he is the head of the AC100 Trail Volunteer Group. This entitles him to palaver, entreat, negotiate, commiserate, and cooperate with the local US Forest Service here in Southern California. On any given day he'd rather be blasting stumps, but these are the necessary steps to ensure that the Race has a place at the table when decisions are being made. Some of the decisions involve who gets to go where when roads wash out, when forests are tinder-dry, and when l...

I had only pondered the verticality of the Bulldog Road for a mere 19 minutes when I was stopped by an earnest young man heading down the mountain. His first query was in a dialect and demotic strange to me, but familiar. Upon a second request his plaint was made known to me, and was as follows: "Where is Corral Canyon?" Oh my young woodchuck, it is the better part of a league in the exact opposite direction you are heading. He was revealed to be a sincere young man, an Indian native from New Delhi, and had ambitions to be a Sierra Club Group Leader. This was the preview to the provisional hike prior to ordination in the order. Inexplicably I thought of several recent openings in various chapters after outings on Mt Baldy. I held my counsel. After guiding him safely back to Corral Canyon, I continued my gyre. It was a good day, a 21 mile trot "in the bag" so to speak, and my car awaited me 4.2 miles hence. The wind was at my back, and I was travelling at an average ...

Recently Arianna Huffington was taken to task for having a colossal ego and character issues. Really! Compared to the bile and crap spewing out of whatever head Michelle Malkin or Sean Hannity are wearing these days, its nothing. Then there was a blow-up regarding Clooney's post on HuffPo etc. Insert farting noises here. Yours, mine, it doesn't matter. I've watched the Arianna from the safety of my kitchen table for several years now. So someone had to say something. And I did. Hollywood is not my beat," Huffington said. http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-wk-clooneymar16,1,7617508.story?coll=la-headlines-entnews Hi Bob: Dude! Do I hear the Outraged Voice of the Lover Spurned here? You mean to say that Arianna alone is the sole object of your fury because she's All About Me? And like who the fuck in DC and the 90210 isn't? Did it occur to you that the ones you really have to watch out for are the Ones Who Claim To Serve Humanity Alone? they are the o...

"I can tell all of you we are really excited by this, and we'll all have to take our turn with this amazing item." Bucky Kibble III, Llano CA The Famed Eberhardt-Kranken Fabrikant Travel Trailer The EKF is an honored name in luxury recreational vehicles. Originally designed in 1921 and built in Austria, the original EKF Model I was a 4-meter, 2-wheel-duraluminum trailer towed behind a 3-cylinder Opel Kadett. When the trailer was set up, it deployed oleo-strutted shock absorbers, which earned the undying affections of the thousands of honeymooning couples that took to the autobahn. The initials EKF quickly became known as "Eine Kleinischen Fuckshäcke", a moniker the company never fully disowned nor discouraged. The Depression put a major crimp in sales, and the growing war-footing of the Nazi economy siphoned off all production to the recreational arm of the Wehrmacht. By 1944 Allied bombing nearly finished off the company. Immediately after war...

Sierra Madre: The Insolvent Village That Could Diamonds and Dust Redefine The Future By Beville P. Flexworth SIERRA MADRE, CA [AP] The unincorporated village of Sierra Madre, CA declared itself insolvent February 1, 2007. This was a chastening development for this seemingly prosperous enclave nestled in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains, immediately below the majestic bulk of Mt Wilson. The insolvency was first announced at the City Council meeting January 15, 2007. Rumors had been swirling like Santa Anas through the famed wisteria vines for many weeks prior, and fiercely competing lawn signs had been cropping up like Algerian ivy in the bucolic tree-shaded neighborhoods. Residents were bitterly divided as to how this unfortunate turn came to pass. Municipal debts totaled $18m against available assets of $4m. Immediate cuts were made in fire services, the police department was virtually shuttered as all law enforcement duties were assumed by the Los Angeles Count...

Greetings, Gentle Reader: I have before me a poem that was recently discovered hidden in a wall, behind a broom closet, on the 4th floor attic of the Bilious Refectory of St Pythos The Charred, 2 Close Way, Bangers-On-Mash, Wankershire, England. All internal evidence points as with one eye that it was intended as work d'art, a carta de introduccione if you will, for the author to gain favor with an unspecified, but literate woman. Other works of this era refer to such-said women as "stackedde". The author is evidently familiar with more-than-basic Principia de Pharmacopia, and was competent with the use of the astrolabe and perhaps the Astroglydde. Gyrl, Youe Knowe Yts Trewe In thyss letterre, unadorned bye circumflexxe, Moated by serfe, andde i mperis rex , By guttering light I penne thyss screed, Cribbyng fromm the werkes of Venerable Bede. Your profyle immaculata [verso/recto]—to boote, At the shore, I'm seated, imitating Kanutte, Attempting to conj...

Photo taken back when I was fab, just before my very first marathon—I knew nothing . PRE RACE Avoid the pre-race carbo load. It'll put a wad of gummy sludge in yr gut that will buy you nothing. And you'll be thinking of how to take a dump before race start. A better plan is to have no solid food [finished & done] after 5pm the day before the race. Relax wherever you are staying--home or maybe in that hotel you mentioned. Stay off your feet. Plenty of time for that later. THE REAL CARBO-LOAD, 3 Day Program Thurs: 64 oz of mango nectar mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Fri: 64 oz of cranberry juice mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/64 oz water Sat: 32 oz of Gatorade mixed w/ Carboplex-interspersed w/32 oz water You can find the Carboplex at General Nutrition or a similar bodybuilding emporia. At the end of this load you'll feel like a cross between Godzilla and a drag-racer jumping the blocks on a 1/4 mile straightaway. RACE DAY/PRE-RACE Get...

The Little Rose Bowl Float that Did   Actually, what WAS awesome was yesterday's Rose Bowl Parade. Sharp-eyed specators saw the late entry and insertion of the fabled Forest Prince Float, brought to you by D&L Industries.  The 100m float featured a lazily recumbent 50ft high Ye Auld Forest Prince himself, winking at the spectators while nymphs and Trail Betties danced about his startlingly realistic Jade Stalk, as they took turns giving him what was described in the press release as a "hands behind the head knobber"  The float rocked to the thumping and wheezing of the High Country Rump-Wrangler Latex Marching Band from Tom Of Finland, Wyoming as they played "Hot for Teacher" "Take A Walk on the WIld Side" and "La Grange".   Regis Philbin and Ryan Seacrest were stunned speechless by this float, while Stephanie Edwards was observed mopping her brow and loosening her collar even though she was outside under an umbrella in the pouring rain....

Vertigo can be informative. Greetings Earthlings! As my Final Chapter in the Epic Work "Worldwide Tango Trails of Devastation: A Chronicle by El Senor De Rotacion" I went to the Thursday Milonga Dec 29, at La Nacional in Manhattan. I must have been commandeered by space aliens because I showed up at 11, after a swell dinner with friends down in Little Italy. I stayed until they kicked everybody out at 2am.  The room was way nicer than the Bungalow Club here in Los Angeles, the floor having gentle waves instead of a sudden crater. It was packed solid, probably 150 people or so. All my moves got a lot more conservative, but there were some in the room who insisted on running into people. At one point one of the MCs got up and lectured everybody about line of dance, passing, cutting in and all the rest. Things improved after that.  All levels were in evidence, as well as a busload of Canadians. Their leader appeared to be a gangly gent wearing a Mr Rogers sweater vest. Fortuna...

Wedding Vows: The Guy View A friend got married a while ago. Here are some ideas I had for his wedding vows. Let's see...since I don't have the laptop for the PowerPoint Presentation, I'll just write down a few "talking points". Yep! That sounds right. Cover my ass, make points, and have time left over for a big honkin liplock. BIG IDEAS Sketch out some Big Ideas, then get to particulars. First get through the "have and hold, sickness and health part". Don't mumble. Then I go for the gusto. 1] Honey, your ass will NEVER look big. Ever. It'll only look BETTER than it is if you strap on these Manolos. 2] Vacations: Paris, France, or Perris, CA...aaah, what the hell! I'm with you, and I love Le Quarter Midget stock car races. 3] When asked to choose in a Galactic Battle for World Domination Between Yanni and Kenny G, I'll ask you for the current odds in Vegas, then bet double down on the white guy. 4] The remote control. It'll never g...

Guillermo Medina, 2005 winner. AC100 finish line. Johnson's Field, Altadena CA. 050925_9079_01 Angeles Crest has never failed to amaze and surprise. What is canonical received wisdom at 30 miles was turned inside out and abandoned at the finish line. Everything you thought you knew was wrong. Guillermo Medina won it in a personal best of 19:33. By carefully picking and choosing his races for this last year, he saved his mojo for the Big Show. In front of him was Jorge Pacheco, three-time winner. Behind him were two of the fiercest no-brakes downhill runners this race has seen in the last ten years, Tom Nielsen and Andy Jones-Wilkins. Tom's won it twice before . The first time was a remarkable come-from-behind assault on Scott Jurek's  "unassailable" lead in 1999 where he caught Jurek at 83 miles in the black hole that is IdleHour. By the way, that lead was nearly an hour. That was also the year Ann Trason had her head handed to her, and she dropped at ...

Team graphic for the 1997 Leadville effort. Originally posted in 1999. I did LT100 2.5 times, which was sufficient. The schlong remains the same, for those about to depart etc etc ... Stairway To Leadville There's a Kansas femme who's been sold, that all that buckles are gold And she's buying a stairway to Leadville When she gets there she knows, if the entries are all closed With a word she can get what she came for Ooh - ooh And she's buying a stairway to Leadville There's a pile on the trail, but she don't want to fail, 'Cause you know DNF's have two meanings In a latrine by the dam there's a squirrel who scams Sometimes all of our jogbras are misshapen Ooh, and I watch you blunder Ooh, and I watch you blunder There's a feeling I get when when my shoes are all wet And my spirit is crying for Bag-Balm Thru my brown-eye I've seen rings of fire through my knees And the voices of those who are standing just loo...

The memorial service for John Davis was yesterday in Claremont. I had written the following, and then Stan Davis asked if I'd read this at the service. I was honored, and said so. There was a large turnout, I was sitting with Andy Roth & Liz Boyd on one side, Kenny Hamada & "Uncle" Hal Winton on the other. There were 5 speakers. In relay terms, I was the anchor. Earlier that day Andy & I had taken a memory loop over the top of Baldy, where we covered all matters sacred and profane. We took the short route up the mountain, using the Helen Klein Memorial Offramp up to the Sierra Club Hut. The streams were running full, and the Bighorns were smoking Pall Mall straights and shitting in them, despite the wails of the Sierra Club dorks who were doing their first solo unaided summit bids. I hope you are doing well! Eulogy for John Davis This eulogy is for John Davis, from a man who met him late and knew him not well enough. This tribute is seen through the prism of...