Hundo Newbie Asks For Tips

Jesus pops a selfie. Or it could be a Brand Ambassador sponsored runner.

Just before the 2013 Angeles Crest 100, Robert Whited,  as our Candide in the Best Of All Possible Ultra Worlds, asked the AC100 Facebook Page the following brilliant pre-race question: “I’m a newbie to hundos, do you have any tips?”

Sensing a deep need for enlightenment, men and a woman stepped up and shared out their wisdom.  Read on!

Marcus England: The whole course is runnable. Running the uphills is the key to glory.

August 1 at 8:04am · Unlike · 7

Howie Stern: Slather yourself in salad oil.

August 1 at 8:05am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Slather and run all the uphills...check. I’m a finicky eater on a vegan diet. Will the aid stations cater to me?

August 1 at 8:07am · Like

Marcus England: Make sure you follow the course markings, despite your obvious need to always go sharply to the right...

August 1 at 8:07am · Unlike · 5

Rainer Schulz: take a lot of selfies to impress the ladies....

August 1 at 8:11am · Unlike · 4

Howie Stern: Wear little shoes

August 1 at 8:12am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Marcus England: Howie’s right. They help on the downhills.

August 1 at 8:12am · Like

Howie Stern: Rattlers like to be t-bagged

August 1 at 8:13am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Lambert Timmermans: If you get sore past Chilao, rub yourself with those purple flowers for a soothing effect

August 1 at 8:14am via mobile · Unlike · 6

Howie Stern: Or give them as a pretty gift to your girlfriend

August 1 at 8:15am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: Ok. Stay on course...check. Selfies and ladies ...check. Dainty shoes... Rattler tea parties...flower power...

August 1 at 8:15am · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Thank Obama for your success

August 1 at 8:16am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Give Obama pretty purple flowers...

August 1 at 8:17am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: ya, cause when u finish.. u didn’t do it!

August 1 at 8:18am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Bob Sponge Man: Run as fast as u can at the start, talk to a lot of chicks at the aid stations, get as many phone numbers that u can, and always run bare chested Tarzan.

August 1 at 8:19am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Denial tactics...check.

August 1 at 8:19am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: you grew a beard, right? and let ur toenails grow?

August 1 at 8:19am via mobile · Like · 2

Howie Stern: Bring a $20 for Larry Gassan:

August 1 at 8:20am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Rainer Schulz: you need long hair to feel like an ultra Jesus...

August 1 at 8:21am · Like · 3

Robert Whited: Vanity pose...checkereroooski

August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 2

Marcus England: Getting “chick’d” is the key to happiness...

August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 3

Chris Gaggia: They’re called Hundies, not Hundos.

August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Have pacers and crew mule everywhere for you

August 1 at 8:22am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Robert is posing as a newbie, he’s got Obama’s number 44.

August 1 at 8:22am · Like · 2

Howie Stern: Don’t wear undies

August 1 at 8:23am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Carry a flaming hibachi and an Ebonite bowling ball—because chicks dig it.

August 1 at 8:23am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Get chik’d double check...

August 1 at 8:23am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: i thought his number was 666

August 1 at 8:24am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Be sure to swoon every time you come to an aid-station, and announce how you’re gonna retire after your FKT, and shit.

August 1 at 8:24am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Great balls of fire...check.

August 1 at 8:25am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Grandstand with lavish statements...check.

August 1 at 8:26am · Like

Larry Gassan: Tape a Whole Foods organic zucchini to your leg, so it peeks out from your compression shorts.

August 1 at 8:26am · Like · 6

Howie Stern: Eat lots of natto at every aid station

August 1 at 8:27am via mobile · Unlike · 1

Robert Whited: Tube steak boogie...check

August 1 at 8:28am · Like

Larry Gassan: At each aid-station, have your crew greet you with either a 21-gun salute, or Roman Candles.

August 1 at 8:28am · Like · 3

Lambert Timmermans: Most important.. don’t drink anything. That just makes you sweat which leads to moisture on your feet causing blisters and loss of salt causing cramps.

August 1 at 8:29am via mobile · Unlike · 5

Larry Gassan: Get yourself a flat-brim trucker cap and oversize white-framed toy sunglasses, then call iRunFar.

August 1 at 8:30am · Like · 3

Rainer Schulz: act like the show must go on

August 1 at 8:30am · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Vatican candles, And bring dehydrated water..check

August 1 at 8:30am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: “oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar.

Oh don’t ask why,

Oh don’t ask why..”

August 1 at 8:31am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: For Vatican candles you’ll need altar boys.

August 1 at 8:31am · Like

Robert Whited: Find the doors and dress sassy...check

August 1 at 8:31am · Like

Larry Gassan: Eat a stick of butter 1/2 hr before the invocation. Share with your friends.

August 1 at 8:33am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Alter my lifestyle...check.

August 1 at 8:33am · Like

Robert Whited: Grease my colon... no check

August 1 at 8:34am · Like

Howie Stern: Enemas

August 1 at 8:34am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: Push a shopping cart with a keg, and a paint-spattered contractor FM radio, with coat-hanger aerial. Don’t let haters pass you.

August 1 at 8:34am · Like · 4

Ivan Buzik DNF at the Inspiration point and everyone will remember you.

August 1 at 8:34am · Unlike · 4

Marcus England: Robert - greasing your colon will help with emergency rehydration.

August 1 at 8:34am · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Then you’ll have a cameo on “Hose The Boss?”

August 1 at 8:35am · Like · 5

Robert Whited: Find assistance in colon lubrication...check

August 1 at 8:35am · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: #AssBlessed

August 1 at 8:36am · Like · 1

Marcus England: AKA “drop the soap”

August 1 at 8:36am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Smoke Swisher Sweets cigars during the race. They’re Paleo.

August 1 at 8:36am · Like · 4

Lambert Timmermans: You probably already ran many miles to prepare. That’s too bad and it’s too late for this race, but for your next race, lie in bed for 3 months prior. Save all your energy for that big day.

August 1 at 8:36am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Stay up all night watching Internet porn on Friday night

August 1 at 8:37am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: “Hundo Pounders 2”

August 1 at 8:37am · Like · 2

Marcus England: This year, if you see a bear, remember that they are friendly and like to be petted.

August 1 at 8:37am · Unlike · 5

Robert Whited: Porn prep...check

August 1 at 8:37am · Unlike · 1

Robert Whited: Look for bears on the porn channel...check

August 1 at 8:38am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Remind Colorado runners that they’re getting California Carpet-Trail burns.

August 1 at 8:39am · Like · 3

Howie Stern: Remember you are Thor. Put the hammer down

August 1 at 8:39am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: And remember that Thor was cast into the Ring Of Fire.

August 1 at 8:40am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Give Colonrado the carpet treatment and hammer them...check

August 1 at 8:40am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: Tell all the out-of-towners at the top of the Toll Road that they’re pussies for not racing up to the TV towers like you will.

August 1 at 8:42am · Like · 2

Lambert Timmermans: Cyclists and swimmers shave their legs. Don’t be a wuss like them. Shave every hair on your body.. head, eyebrows, arms.. You will show them what streamline is.

August 1 at 8:42am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Run in motorcycle leathers.

August 1 at 8:43am · Like · 1

Howie Stern: New aid station at Dawson saddle

August 1 at 8:43am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Robert Whited: Shave all pussies... ceck check

August 1 at 8:43am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Saddle up in leathers...sassy check

August 1 at 8:44am · Like

Marcus England: When the going gets rough, just remember you started the most epic thread on the AC100 FB page. You have that going for you, at least...

August 1 at 8:45am · Unlike · 5

Robert Whited: Bring thread and knitting supplies...check

August 1 at 8:46am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Since nobody mentioned GoPros, get 2—one 3’ in front of you, the other 3’ behind you. Add jangly Newgrass mashed up with Death Metal grinding guitars. Now you’ve got a Kickstarter video for your online demotivational cult!

August 1 at 8:48am · Edited · Like · 3

Marcus England: Oh, ass-less leather chaps are great for colon lubrication and rattlesnake t-bagging, since you were already advised to not wear underwear... just to bring things full circle.

August 1 at 8:48am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: ^^^Gets that In And Out Urge worked over faster.

August 1 at 8:49am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Self promote is flaming attire...check

August 1 at 8:49am · Like

Larry Gassan: Knit yourself a skort while you’re busting out FKTs

August 1 at 8:50am · Like · 2

Lambert Timmermans: You have 33 opportunities to pr your 5k. Don’t blow it. Be persistent.

August 1 at 8:51am via mobile · Unlike · 8

Rainer Schulz: have your music ready, Queen - I’m going slightly mad...

August 1 at 8:52am · Like · 1

Marcus England: Fastest to the top of B-P wins the thousand dollar “King of the Mountain” prize started this year.

August 1 at 8:52am · Like · 3

Robert Whited: Fat bottom girls ...check

August 1 at 8:53am · Like

Larry Gassan: Dedicate your run to the Supermodel Wildlife Waystation. Be loudly pious about it.

August 1 at 8:55am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: Kick the troll at the toll booth in the nards and steal the fur coat from the lovely lady on Baden Powell.. and then run with a purpose!

August 1 at 8:56am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Patience...

August 1 at 8:56am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Or go to Sea World and run with a porpoise. Your call!

August 1 at 8:57am · Edited · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Pious grand stand for causes of concern...check

August 1 at 8:57am · Like

Ivan Buzik Be nice to your fellow runners and pick every rattle you find on the trail. You are good with handling snakes.

August 1 at 8:58am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Tell people that “Little Billy in Omaha is a terminal masticator, and you’re raising funds for awareness...”

August 1 at 8:58am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Run? With the psychedelic furs?

August 1 at 8:58am · Like

Marcus England: Just don’t film your “snake” handling with your GoPro. Nobody wants to see that.

August 1 at 8:59am · Edited · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: When you’re projectile vomiting trailside and holding up the conga line, tell them you’re “paying it forward”

August 1 at 8:59am · Like · 5

Larry Gassan: “Heh-heh-heh..he said ‘snake’...”

“Dammit, Beavis, I was just about to score!”

August 1 at 9:00am · Like · 2

Marcus England: Your goal: catch the unicorn...

August 1 at 9:00am · Unlike · 5

Larry Gassan: ^^^But this means you’ll have to be a virgin, at least retroactively.

August 1 at 9:01am · Like · 1

Rainer Schulz: Follow Mr. Hodgson’d advice and take the long way home..

August 1 at 9:05am · Like · Remove Preview

Christine Bilange: Pre race delirium all the way !!

August 1 at 9:07am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: But its a dry heat...

August 1 at 9:07am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Use dry humorous delirium for the supertramps...check

August 1 at 9:17am · Unlike · 1

Ivan Buzik post #100

August 1 at 9:18am · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for such wonderful advice. I feel warm fuzzies and sentiment beyond expression. To all those that are partaking in this event I wish you all the grandest of experiences. Fare thee well...blah blah blah

August 1 at 9:27am · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Be sure to thank God®™, your Pilates coach, the Academy, and all the little people while you’re at it.

August 1 at 9:28am · Like · 2

Rainer Schulz: This was fun, thanks Robert... one last question if you allow please... what’s a hundo?

August 1 at 9:41am · Unlike · 4

Howie Stern: Well played sir

August 1 at 9:43am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: And half a hundo with twice the fun is a hemmie.

August 1 at 9:47am · Like · 1

Joey Morrison: Make sure to take a picture of your aid station fare and post it to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and MySpace. Then be sure to see how many likes you get.

August 1 at 10:13am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Selfies with GU for the foodies out there.

August 1 at 10:16am · Like

Dominic Grossman: Run the uphills, walk the downhills.

August 1 at 10:38am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Dominic Grossman: Wear a condom. Just trust me.

August 1 at 10:40am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Mark Tanaka: Remember though to always train with 2 so that during the race it feels like your are wearing nothing! I guess the race is real soon. Put on the whole 12-pack.

August 1 at 10:48am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: I forgot to mention—drag a tire. Or drag attire. Whichever makes you feel like a queen for a day.

August 1 at 10:51am · Edited · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Run up and sashay down hills clad in prophylactics....check

August 1 at 10:51am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: #TrojanBrandAmbassador

August 1 at 10:52am · Like · 1

Dominic Grossman: Stab yourself in the quads in Wrightwood so it doesn’t hurst as bad when you feel like you’re being stabbed in the quads on Sam Merrill (ask Katie).

August 1 at 10:53am via mobile · Like

Chris Gaggia: And use Yucca--break off the tip so it, you know, lasts...

August 1 at 10:54am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Smoke a joint after getting to Mt Hillyer. It’ll make routefinding the next section more rad, dewd.

August 1 at 10:54am · Like

Robert Whited: Smoke yucca weed through boulder patches ..check

August 1 at 10:55am · Like

Dominic Grossman: No, use a dull knife. They’re more painful.

August 1 at 10:55am via mobile · Like

Dominic Grossman: Similarly have your pacer slap you every time you stupidly leave an aid station. It makes the stupidity accounted for and dulls the ensuing pain.

August 1 at 10:58am via mobile · Like

Robert Whited: Use the Oj technique with blunt object...czech

August 1 at 10:58am · Like

Larry Gassan: Extra points if your pacers are women with riding crops wearing black-leather bustiers. You know, lace ‘em if you got ‘em.

August 1 at 11:08am · Like · 3

Ivan Buzik Be sure to hydrate properly with Tarahumara corn beer at the aid stations. You will not have to chase Unicorn - he will be chasing you!

August 1 at 11:21am · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn 

Tryin’ to find a woman who’s never, never, never been born. 

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, 

Telling myself it’s not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

August 1 at 11:37am · Like · 1

Robert Bracero: Man I’m so glad I’m not running this year. You guys are great!!! I’m on my second page of notes and I’ll be we’ll prepared for next year! Look out.... I’ll be ready!

August 1 at 11:46am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Joey Morrison: Make sure you Chihping Fu, ultra paparazzi, captures your moments of glory while you do all of the above.

August 1 at 3:41pm via mobile · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: Be certain that you have A Spiritual Crisis Of Faith®™, agonize over it on camera, then A Compelling Uplifting Resolution. We’ll fix the music and overdubs in post.

August 1 at 6:25pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Exultation of illustrious grandeur for the bona fide believers.

August 1 at 6:29pm · Like

Robert Whited: sound check...

August 1 at 6:30pm · Like

John Chin: Tarzan Rob. Seize it and gut it. See you at Alta loma park.

August 1 at 9:07pm · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Still open for tips...

Sunday at 9:27pm · Like

Ivan Buzik: Rob, you haven’t listen to me. I said DNF at Inspiration point, you could save a lot of time 

Sunday at 9:30pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Call it my youth , Ivan Buzik. I should lave listened. It would have been memorable.

Sunday at 9:39pm · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Take a selfie in front of the church on Acorn Street

Sunday at 9:51pm via mobile · Like · 3

Chris Gaggia: Start last, go real slow.

Sunday at 9:53pm · Like · 1

Chris Gaggia: Drop when suckage reaches level Red.

Sunday at 9:53pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Take a sucking selfie for acorns...chec

Sunday at 10:00pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: Check for acorns and avoid unicorn horns...

Sunday at 10:01pm · Like · 4

Howie Stern: Book a gig the same day you finsh, then drop when you realize you’re going to slow and will miss gig...

Sunday at 10:01pm via mobile · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Unicorns are fast in these parts...check

Sunday at 10:04pm · Like

Robert Whited: Cue music when dropping...check 1 2 3

Sunday at 10:05pm · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Slayer-South of Heaven

Sunday at 10:06pm via mobile · Like · 1

Chris Gaggia: War Pigs

Sunday at 10:06pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: “begging mercies for their sins--AC laughing spreads her wi-ings...”

Sunday at 10:07pm · Edited · Like

Robert Whited: Oh no!

Sunday at 10:07pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: oh lord--yeah!

Sunday at 10:09pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: An unforseen future nestled somewhere in time.

Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs