Fur-Bearing Freshwater Sharks Rumored In Mtn Lakes

(LA Times, July 22, 1990)

by ELWOOD MARKWAYS III
TIMES STAFF WRITER

COPROLYTE NATIONAL MONUMENT, near Hellmouth, CA:

The discovery of Giant Fur-Bearing Freshwater Sharks was announced today by State Fish & Game naturalists in conjunction with Dr Roccardo “Dick” Quadde, Prof. Emeritus of Hellmouth Amalgamated PolySci, Hellmouth California.

State Fish & Game naturalists did not confirm or deny informed questions as to the exact location of these enigmatic creatures.

Giant Fur-Bearing Fresh-water Sharks had been well documented on the Upper Agua Mojado further to the eastern edges of the Coprolyte National Monument, where the Agua Mojado drainage meets the confluence of the Chorizo Altiplano as it descends through the porous rugosities of the Stoeff-Topp strata.

Freshwater sharks (s. aquafrescum) had been rumored but not seen in at least a generation, and the fur-bearing sub genus (s. hirsuticum) had not been adequately documented. Prior specimens had been exceedingly rare due to rampant poaching and over-hunting in the last century. They previously had been listed as extinct due to overhunting for their prized pelt, which found its way into fashionable vests and winter-weight underwear in the last century.

Sources off the record have strongly suggested that the remote Big Quimfire Lake/Bigg-Ayre Falls area, formed by the confluence of the Chorizo Altiplano and the Agua Mojado drainage are the likely home of this endangered species.

Renewed interest in these evolutionary atavisms were sparked by sworn depositions from Officers Fred Hammer and Bruce Sheetrock of the State Highway Patrol. Officers Hammer and Sheetrock had been on the shores of Big Quimfire Lake at dusk one at the end of a hot summer day. They were startled to see the surface break as as trio of Fur-bearing Freshwater Sharks course gracefully through the air, whistling an eerie refrain through their characteristic overbite.

Although other sightings had been claimed, they were discounted by reliable sources as the likely by-product of “too much hot sun and warm beer” according to unidentified locals.

Dr Quadde headed up the team, which used their Sophisticated Image-Detection Equipment/Dual Oscillation GraDIent Effect (SIDE-DOGGIE) for comprehensive visual reconnaissance.

According to local sources who wished to remain anonymous, they did so only after the sharks had caused a considerable amount of panic and property damage prompted by a local fireworks display.

Dr Quadde referred to his extensive library and references, and then consulted with Dr Thaddeous Malpissant, of Big Midwestern University. Malpissant felt Quadde was on to a big lead, and lent his considerable prestige to the project. Dr Malpissant is regarded as the dean emeritus of Dorkolithic Research, and remains fully engaged in spite of his advanced age, estimated by some to be well over 95.

Dr Quadde is no stranger to controversy, having been extensively involved in last summer’s abortive Hellmouth PolySci-sponsored High Sierra Barking Spider Expedition. Six weeks of research seemingly vanished in a freak lightning storm. The academic outcome of the expedition was in doubt, but critical data was retrieved to form the basis of a comprehensive inquiry.