TitanicMania: Doomed Passages Re-Lived

Ocean in 16:9 format, yo.

As promised, a Brief Twice-telling as-told-by-an-idiot of the "Titanic" story, featuring Lady G and the Forest Prince, along with a host of ultra-personalities.  

SCENE 1: DOCKSIDE:
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE 

The FP is playing cards with a buncha guys. He has 5 aces. The squareheads are pissed, but they are only extras. Lady G arrives in a big floppy hat. She is wearing bike shorts. Nobody notices, because they are digitally produced, and chickens do not have lips. JayBird is writing an ode to Tassel-Headed Korn on EE deck.  

SCENE 2: AT SEA

Lady G feels the pull of gravity. She is holding onto a flag-pole, minus the barnacles. A Celine Dion song plays somewhere, and a white bouncing ball helps you out. The Old FP is smoking a cigar, lit from the flame shooting from his butt with a Zippo. He sees a periscope in the distance. Far below decks the Ark of The Covenant awaits the arrival of a velociraptor. n0rm is getting the busses warmed up for the Kamp n0rm. 

SCENE 3: FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME.

The ship-board ice-machine breaks down. Lady G's Heartless Fiancee disparages her choice of artists, and opines that Keane would make a better long-term investment. Sensing danger, the audience rushes to buy more popcorn and huddles inside their coats. The FP has a crankspot above the knee. Leonardo diCaprio is getting carded, and has to make do with Tara Lipinski.  

SCENE 4: TIGHT-SPOTS

Lady G is being coached on the niceties of a back-seat romantic interlude. Both feet are in the air. TrailPatty is in hot pursuit. Her jog-bra is stuffed with rupiah notes. Meanwhile, in the radio room MattyBuoy is duking it out online with Dr Billy on "What Is An Ultra?" There is a late-nite ice delivery, starboard bow.  

SCENE 5: AWAY ALL BOATS 

Lady G is on a raft. Her heartless, faceless fiancee has elbowed his way onto the "Low-Mileage Training" Thread. Suddenly she realizes..."Oh my, oh me, I think I've got to pee..." 

Our Dear Forest Prince realizes that this movie is not short on water or ice. He's awaiting the arrival of the Stealth Boat, captained by Jonathan Pryce und Helmut, der Body-Buddy. Terry Hatcher has slipped aboard the Stealth Boat and is reading "W" while lounging in a peignoir. 

Meanwhile, back on the Big Boat, Shelly Winters and Herve Villachaise get into it. Digital extras are dying by the hundreds; bouncing off of the cold iron hull, and the air is full of crystalizing pixels in the clear Mexican night. The graveyard shift is coming on. The Finger Of God reaches down and taps out Q-W-E-R-T-Y in Morse code. 

JayBird senses a Moment, and heroically constructs a Lifeboat from raw bandwidth. "Closer to Your Kumbayah Than Mine" floats out across the water. 

SCENE 6: HAPPY EVER AFTER 

A 2000 year-old Lady G shakes her wattles at Bill Pullman and Heather Locklear. The FP lurks in the background, muttering as he tinkers with the rivets on the SS Deep-See Muff-Diver.

Lady G thinks she recognizes him, but can't be sure. It was so long, so long ago. Later she stands on the fan tail, and holds on to the flag pole. Her hand longs for the feel of barnacles. Somehow it was different then...she was always big, its just that the format got smaller. She looked at the churning wake, and thought she heard Enya titty-punching Celine Dion, but it was only the thudding rhythms of the diesel.

Leonardo diCaprio's Long-Lost Polaroids are claimed at the foto-processor. They reveal a Jung mandala in the sunset of his talents at the Rob Lowe Lost Weekend Resorts. 

She reaches into her pocket, and examines the SUCKSEED Energy-Wand. The Wild One. She smiles, and lets it slip from her hand into the boiling surf. He would always know that he was wrong, and she wouldn't play games. The audience, huddled in their seats with their coats and blocks of ice, wiped away tears at this. 

Since it was raining, nobody could see their tears, which is as it should be.