Showing posts from 1996

My First 50K Buckle (Part XXII)

Doppeldonger 50/50: My First 50K Buckle (Part XXII)The gun went off. I was charging up Boner Cyn, arms churning and butt-cheeks flapping. Pretty soon the race was down to double digits.

At the first aid station (Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, 1:20) I wrestled a lawnchair away from a very large woman in polyester tights and a "Lion King" sweatshirt. Her skinny wispy-bearded boyfriend "Nigel" who was wearing a Klingon Starfleet Academy jumpsuit was getting agitated, but fuck him! I was the ultra-stud gunning for my first buckle, OK?

I changed my shoes and re-vaselined my face. Now I was ready. The last foot-long chili-dog was history. My loins were girded. I was the Inner Warrior.

Here are some notes I made during the race, with my splits:

Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, (1:20)

Wanker Hollow Pass 9.5mi

Mother's Lament (12.8mi)

Highway 69 Underpass (14.6mi)

Wheezer Creek (17.2 mi)

Brown-Eye Summit (20.1)

Bongwater Crossing (23.7)

Hellmouth K-Mart Parking-lot A/S (26.0003 mi) this is a popular …

6-1/2 Reasons to Be An Ultrarunner Guy

So, tired of those cute lists that people make? Thought you were. Too bad, here's another.


6. You can piss while you run.

5. You can piss while you walk.

4. You can make pretty patterns while settling the trail dust.

3. If you should find yourself standing and taking a leak, you can hold yr love-gun with one hand, and swill from your bottle with the other.

2. When you're done, you can scratch your ass with the other hand.

1. You can use the same hand that nursed your johnson to troll through the aid-station offerings, and nobody will ever know. Or vice versa.

1/2. After you are all through with any of the previous, and there is still a large hill ahead of you, you can still rifle your sinuses and dislodge those troublesome adobe trail-nuggets.

yrs ever devotedly,
mr trail safety

This Is The Race [homage to Jim Morrison]

(With referential apologies to James Douglas Morrison, Francis Ford Coppola, and Don Knotts)

Black, fade in.
Night, in Wrightwood.

A young man is in a cheap motel. It is a motel favored by thrifty serial killers on a budget. The higher-priced motel favored by thrifty serial killers on a budget was booked. Solid. Even with the broken glass on the linoleum, somewhere. The cable there was better (but it cost $7.99 more), and you could get the Satanism Channel with the "I Love Lucifer" Marathon Weekend Special ($6.66). This motel had weary wooden floors, 33-1/3 watt lights, a sagging bed with the Great Rift Valley down the middle. Many romances had died in that divide. He could feel every one of them.

Our young man is getting ready. Ready for The Big Race. His attention is fixed on a goal far away. About 100.559596975 miles, but who's counting now, huh?...Familiar music is in background, becoming distinct. The words have changed. Do not pretend you don&…

An Ultra Modest Narration (1/42, XL)

A True Narration, by a well-known running personality.

Well now. I feel i can tell this story with a straight face and no need for superfluity. Yes. Other men have always wanted to know, and well, women are curious. Very curious. This is how i went from Couch-Pud to UltraStud.

Not long ago, I was running an acceptable pace at a prominent Rocky Mtn 100 in the alst month. I was running without socks. I was effluorescing due to slight inconvenience of giardia. The toe-jam was fragrant. the weather was perfect.

I was thinking about getting laid by a Dead-Betty back in town when I got through. I was saving my best story for her. She would turn me into the trailer hitch of C&W song. I had a modest collection of authentic ultra-adventures to narrate to a relay of respectful and worshipful acolytes. They hung on to my every word, only seemingly leaving me when I would make the garbage bag hanging off my butt hammer and rattle with periodic gusts.

But more replaced them. Their espect and ardo…

Nature Loves You Too

Hi there, Ultra-Kids! Have you ever wondered if Nature Loves You?

Sure you have. Don't be bashful. You have felt tired and cranky while you were putting in the Big Miles. You felt that nobody loved you and you were bored, thinking about ice-cold Cokes and soft beds. Air conditioning and power steering. You know what I mean.

But the world has expressed its love for you in a very special way. Have you ever thought about all those times when you were sitting in a NFS one-seater? Did you remember all those flies buzzing below you? Did you feel them bump into your bare bum? Were you upset?

You shouldn't be. They were there for you. They were expressing God's love for you. After all, 18 trillion flies can't be wrong, can they?

Well now. Have a real nice day.
mr trail safety

Test Your Meager Knowledge About...

…The Also-Rans Of History!
Now You, Your Family, and anyone in E-Z Reach can share The Awesome Majesty that is History's Glorious Pageant™!

Witness in spellbound fascination as we trace the glorious trajectory of this undeservedly obscure civilization. See their humble beginnings, described by famed archeologist Erasmus Binkster as “..Their moveable feast of culture was based on a simple take-out order...”

Our travelog will take you in the comfort of your squishy-butt armchair through the turmoil that eventually brought this mighty empire to its knees, when religious zealots passed Draconian decrees against compulsory mastication. From this mournful twilight we can see the emergence of the Metrecal Dervishes as they swept down like thunder from the far-removed Seven-Eleven Parallel.

This reclusive and mysterious culture are often confused with their more flamboyant and better-upholstered cousins, the Tuck-and-Roll Tur…

Being At One With The Trail

Imagine being strapped to the roof of your mother's car. You are being driven through the countryside. Bugs stick to your teeth. Nobody wants to stop for ice cream. You have no control over the process. You are not yet a complete part of the environment.

Now the car arrives at a trailhead. You are left wearing two left shoes and a pair of extra-small "Batman" underwear. The shoes are sequined. The parking lot is full of Cub Scouts. You've gotta wedgie. They are paying close attention. You will be able to use all of your senses.

Now imagine stepping onto the trail. Before going anywhere, you are wearing welder's gloves and you need to thread a needle. You have been asked to complete an incomplete circumcision on an irritable, elderly bull elephant-seal. Think of yourself as the thread and the trail as the eye of the needle. Knit one, purl two. Do not deprive yourself of any of your senses by separating yourself from what's beneath your feet and ahead of you. Con…

Summer School: 1996

Subject: Summer School

Knowing that one has to maintain job and interpersonal interfacing technologies to their optimum levels, the FUDD ENDOWMNT FOR COMPETENCE is dedicated to mainstreaming info-applicants in the manner to which they've become accustomed to. Therefore, LED's & Digitals, we proudly present...

Brief & Total® Success Immersion Weekends Offerings For Summer 1995, Updated and re-treaded for Summer 1996.

Held at the tastefully lavish and garish BoehnerDome ConventionPlex, 1133686 MilSpec Thruway, Hellmouth CA. (Just south of downtown off the I-666 Menendez Freeway, next to the Family-Fun Indoor Artillery Range).

These exclusive and highly successful weekend seminars are now within the reach of opposable thumbs like yours. Today’s recognized leaders will be on hand to lead the weekend workshops. Join us for some of the upcoming seminars!
•Genital Warts, Ethics and You
•White Guys Can’t Make Jello.
•Why Elle Mac…

True Spring Break

Dear Editors:

I never thought I'd be writing to you about something like this. I always used to think that this happened to other guys. 

Anyway, I was out in Malibu on Spring Break several weeks ago from Rump-Roast College in Indiana. I didn't know anybody really so I thought I'd go to the beach and try my luck with the local betties. Things were looking pretty bad. It took a hell of a long time to park my dad's car, and I finally got a space hear a fireplug for ten bucks. Score! Then I nearly dropped the car keys into the urinal.

But anyway, I had just woken up from a nap when I felt eyes upon me. I turned around and saw the most awesomely stacked green-eyed blonde babe I had ever laid eyes on. I was drawn irresistably to her firm, swelling breasts and hard perky nipples which were insistently thrusting through her low-cut Pep Boys t-shirt. Her long, smooth tanned legs went from the ground all the way up to her incredibly tight little ass which was barely contained by a …