Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Bandit 50k II.I Bandit 50k is a sleeper, tucked away in Simi Valley. Yeah, you're thinking "suburbia, ET, mommy-vans, etc". Hold up! This race will shank the unwary. Its fucking serious shit out there. Not a speck of cover, no water— but its race day, so you’re covered. All the smug "Cali Carpet Trails" dicks need that Ventura County schooling. We were lucky— generally cool and breezy. Today it’s raining like a bitch, so all that slick rock would go greasy on you in your hypothermic state. It starts and finishes in Corriganville Park, ex-Movie Ranch, which got its start in 1937. The sandstone boulder scenery is in countless movies and TV shows, that are now on Hulu etc. Enough ancient history, now I’m gonna bore you about my race. All you fast fuckers ran away from me, as if you owed me money. I was at least 30 places behind the talent, and they smoothed out the trail for me. Thank you. Ripped on technical trail and fire-roads, out the ass. There was a pave...

AC100 2014: Dead Man's Bench, Mile 79 "Running for time, not distance" is an eternal lure for distance training . However, races are still measured in distance. Time on feet is important, but ya gotta get somewhere before cut-off. Otherwise this training mod ality is a self-deluding feedback loop.  I found this out in 1986 when I ran my 1st LA Marathon, training out of Ardy Friedburg's "How to Run Your First Marathon". Years later it appeared on Amazon, and I review ed it, as follows: "How to Run Your First Marathon" is a cruel hoax in a breezy, fun, gosh-its-gonna-be-fun style. I bought this book in 1985, when I was training for my first marathon, Los Angeles 1986. It promised a bunch of things, namely "don't worry too much about distance, run for time". That is perfect barney-bait. By the time I was at 20 miles, I'd begun to hate the day I'd imagined that the author knew what he was talking about. OK, ...

Screenshot of my original Facebook post, for those who need pictures It was bound to happen. The sport has "matured", if that's a proper term; to the point that sub-24 hr WS100 buckles are now being sold by their recipients on ebay. The first incident I heard of was a dealer selling one several years ago. It was recovered by the Western States 100, and it wasn't cheap. Frankly, I'm startled. Yes, its his to do with as he pleases. He could lose it in a card game for that matter. But still. I was under the remarkably quaint impression you just didn't do this kind of thing. Here's Jared Hazen's Facebook post: the ebay listing: Jared's post: show me the money. I caught a lot of flak for posting this. I made it clear that yes, I understood that he could do what he wanted with it. That seemingly overshot many of my critics.  Whatever.  Twitter was especially fun, as a bunch of aliased weenie-boys hid behind their keyboards...

Alas, we hardly knew ye. Next time your favorite public personality dies on you, here’s your modular ready-to-go, customizable Facebook memoriam. I [just heard/was told/found out] that my favorite [actor/musician/personage] had [died/passed away/was taken from us too soon]. Needless to say I’m [saddened/heartbroken/strangely relieved] that their lifelong struggles with [addiction issues/personal challenges/being an asshole] have finally been lifted. I first [heard/saw/avoided] [insert celebrity variable-text here] when I was [13/22/a long time ago] at [Burning Man/Madison Square Garden/detention facility] and their [art/music/devil may care spirit] lives in me still.

Original photos by Jeanne Eby. Don't hold it against her. Eventually I'll get around to saying something profound about holistic eating, being green, and all the rest. In the meantime, it was getting dark, clouds were rolling in, and rain was in the offing. A little dense protein goes a long way to keeping this boy from going into the weeds.

Mr Trail Safety gets Lance Armstrong's attention for 1/10 sec. Lance Armstrong wins a fat-ass trail race! Circle the wagons, Mabel! Lock and load the PowerBars!! Hold up here. 35k is not an ultra, its a sub-marathon of 21.748 miles. Furthermore, its a Fat-Ass, which used to mean "no fee, no aid, no whining". No telling what it means now. He's got a way to go yet. Armstrong was a rip-roaring bastard to Floyd Landis, Greg LeMonde, and anyone that stood in his way. To have him compete in a sport with weak/non-existent doping protocols [because most races can't afford it] is pure parasitism. That said, over the years there have been flurries of excitement as various tri-geeks strap on a 50k with great fanfare, then quietly disappear after their first 50mi flameout. As Bill Rogers commented on a 199 4 CBS "Eye On Sports" Leadville 100 feature: "Its 12+hours, and most of the runners aren't even half done yet. In an Ironman, most would be headi...

"I don't drink Lite Beer, decaf coffee, or shoot blanks"…RD Luis Escobar prior to the Red Rocks 50 free-for all. Red Rocks 50's first 12mi out n back was like taking Salma Hayek out on a date and getting an ice cream cone. The next section was where she rips off her human face revealing a ravenous crocodile. The third section down to Romero Cyn turnaround is where she eats you. Slowly. And thats what I avoided when I took the late downgrade to the fat-n-girthy 36mi “50k” at Mile 23. We all started with good intentions etc, and gradually the more-talented pulled rapidly away from me. No bullshit story from the Late Halogen Epoch was gonna keep them down on the farm once they’d seen Hokas. I didn't have the game needed that day. Period. More on that, in a bit. THE USUAL RE-RACE FUN Patrick Sweeney administering an esoteric oath. Interpreter: Mr Trail Safety, for the beer-impaired. Photo by Nancy Kaplan, don't hold it against her. The Dirtbagge...

Inwardly I'm smiling. Photo courtesy of Louis Kwan. Don't hold it against him. After yesterday's Ray Miller 50k, I've only got two stiff legs. I've achieved a certain level of accomplishment when I heard shouts of "show us your balls!" seconds from the finish. But that was after I’d hurt the vert, run my own race, and had a great day; well in the future after the rosy-finger dawn rose over the whine-dork sea . The race is one of a cluster run that day at Pt Mugu State Park: 30k, 50k, 50 miles and 100k. Something for everybody, and if getting like worked hard, RD Keira H enninger will deliver, in spades. The 50k course is a lopsided 3-leaf clover and stem, in an approximate clockwise direction. If it was run counter clockwise, it would easily add 2 hours to the average finish. Keira has other things to do besides wait on your sorry ass, so be grateful. I was very glad I didn’t strap on the 50-miler. This will have to wait for a later date. Meanwhile,...

The best Lost Hunter Story of 2014 was a father/son combo, about 1.5 miles below the Mt Wilson summit on the Kenyon Devore Trail. Dad was carrying both .30cal deer rifles. Son was splayed out on the trail. They'd started that morning from Short Cut Saddle on Hwy 2, which was 9+mi away. Taken a wrong turn, etc. Hoping to call a friend at the top for a ride. That's when I noticed that their hiking poles were 4' sections of #8 rebar.

Guillaume Callmettes, 2nd place 100-Mile God, listens to the low-ball comedy of a late 50k finisher. THE RACE The Kodiak 100 Ultras are set in the Big Bear region of the San Bernardino Mts, elevations from 6-10,00’.  The races are the 100mi, 50mi, and 2 50k variants: Front [first 50k] and Back [last 50k]. I opted for the Back 50k, which I’ll refer to as the Kodiak BearBak’d Rear 50k, strictly for its aspects of intimate punishment and acquaintance. You’ll get your mountain-money’s worth here. Mountains, dry mountains. Take note. The Kodiak is still fine-tuning itself. Its an old-school ultra— with minimal markings, and necessary aid-stations with lean but adequate offerings. If you’re looking for your first Care Bear Ultra, with strawberries, vegan-chow, gluten-free what-the-fuck ever nosh; look elsewhere. Get ready to spend a lot of time out there by yourself. Its that good. This shit is tough, and you’ll get served. Ditto any notions of conquering the cours...

[updated 8/17/15, 10/20/15] Registration for the  2016 Angeles Crest 100 opened and closed in less than 10 minutes Monday, Aug 3. The 2016 Race is Aug 6-7 2016. This is a winning plan for filling a parking lot, but fatal for a legacy 100 like AC. There's only one reason— its all about the money . Let's look at the moving parts. The entry qualifications are laughable : finish one 50mi race before race day. Straight outta 1986. That's pure sucker bait, but I'll call it a swindle. Some ultra-bob does a flatland Care Bear 50 on carpeted trail somewhere, and he does not have a fucking clue what awaits for him in the San Gabriels. But he's "qualified". There were 66 DNS [401k Division] in 2015 Out of 238 signups: 172 started, 98 finish, 74 dropped/missed cutoff/wtf ever. Sixty-six DNS is a spectacular achievement, out-pacing previous years averages of 25 or so. 2014 had 40. Do the math: 25-40 DNS every year means $10,000+ in pocket, no accoun...

For whatever reason, I seem to show up at BTR after some existential crisis. This year my taper started on March 2, when I found out my brother, while out on a training ride, had been been killed in by a careless driver in the UAE. See for yourself how all your #RunStrong memes hold up for you. So yeah, I did the 30-miler, crossed in 7-something, and am OK with it. Obligatory Running Bullshit: News, Weather and Sports Weather was perfect for running, but harsh for all the hippies in their shorts and Luna sandals, who were shivering in the cold and damp of Thursday night rain. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were brisk, sunny and breezy—a far cry from the scorching heat of the past two years. The 2015 BTR Ultras featured two new events that bracketed the extremes in human potential:  The 0.0 Non-Run, and the 200-mile event. Over 60 people paid $40 to do nothing, noon Saturday. Laugh all you want, that paid for additional shitters for everybody .  The 200 field of 1...

420 Prankster, Leona Divide 50/50 finish line. Green Valley, CA. My sub-optimal 2015 Leona Divide 50 performance began with staying at a Motel 666 with hot-&-cold running hookers. The other was having half of my life collapse on my head a month earlier. I got both before charring the gnar, and hurting the vert.   The 0130 booming wakeup of “When Doves Cry” is a surefire performance-enhancement. Didn't fully hear the Barry White deep sub-bass later, but I'm sure it did its job. All this was covered in the Brecht-Weill operetta "Eine Kleinischen Fückshackke " of 1928, starring Ethyl Murmanskaya, but you weren't paying attention that day in class. Pre-Race and Scenic Comments The Race Start was delayed while some guy droned on into a mike, probably being paid by the word. Meantime I got to check out all the current ultra-talent that was going to do better than me. Some bettie was all kitted out in a Spiderman gimp-suit, with holes in all the right p...

Julie Andrews would be proud. Sunburn on noses and black flies that’ve bitten Bottles run dry and woods that I’ve shit in, Rattlers coiled up and ready to sing These are a few of my favorite things Comments on salt and trail-head poodles Hairballs and GU-packs and DNFs that are noodled, Lo-mileage coaches that fly on their wings These are a few of my favorite things Long tortured debates on mountain money, Why LEDs and flashlights are so gosh-darn funny! Early departures from motel bed-springs These are a few of my favorite things When the dog bites When the bee stings When I'm feeling sad I simply channel my favorite Ultra things And then I don't feel so bad [originally written May 2005]

I didn't choose it, it chose me. 'All happy ultras are alike; each unhappy ultra is unhappy in its own way.' Dr Sevende Sandia, obscure Mexican mystic Normally this story begins as One Man’s Challenge—the original plan of a 50-mile ShoppingKart Odyssey; and was thwarted when the cart did not leave the Gelson’s lot. And therein lies the story of redemption, and how the sport of ultrarunning was spared irreparable harm as a result. Read on. Or skip ahead to the fart jokes and trail porn further down. Scenic Chavez Peaks on a sunnier day.   PREQUEL to The Morning Skinny The Sean O’Brien 50 was my first 50-mile race since 1999, where I DNF’d at Leona Divide. On a wild notion I signed up for it, the course was the same one I’d first starting trail running on in 1990. Course begins and ends at Malibu Creek State Park—a 14mi stem with a 22mile loop through Zuma Cyn, then back to the barn. The 100k, 50k, and marathon were run with wave starts on variations of the...