Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

A Prescription Course In Miracles requires proper offerings to assure a good outcome. Adventures In Doctor Land During my last physical, t he doctor unwittingly revealed a voodoo truth in the American psyche: the cure for death is always five years away from today. Tomorrow, it will be repeated all over again. In other words, don't do anything out of the ordinary, and you'll live forever.  I had no idea how much fun it was going to be.  It started with the Self-Assessment Form in the lobby. Sample questions included 'Are you/have you':  …smoke? …own a gun? …drink? how much? …are you beaten by your partner? …take drugs …unprotected sex? OK fine. I checked all that applied. Shortly I was called in, and was met by Sonia, a cute Latina. She was reading off the list doing follow-up, which were curve-balls. Since I was at bat, I gave it my all. Did you smoke? Hell yeah. Years ago. If it burned, I inhaled. Are you joking? Drugs? A very long time ...

Pre-training run espresso, Islip Saddle, June 21 2014. Wrightwood: Mile Zero When Uncle Hal was finished doing the Saturday pre-training run advisories, he said “Larry’s gonna be sweeping, got anything to add?” “Yes I do. If I catch up to you, then your training sucks” Nervous gusts of laughing followed. As it should be. The herd is being thinned. There are runners who are not prepared, coasting on some kind of delusional fumes. If you haven’t learned that showing up without a real cap, wearing dark clothing, eating crap food and carrying insufficient fluids are not sustainable methods for surviving the early summer heat, you’ve got problems. Insufficient mileage? Got injuries you're not letting heal? That too. The main pack thundered off into the distance. I’m left with my own unspooling colorful adventure; the business of getting back into shape. And the Acorn Trail pitches straight up for the next two miles up to the PCT. The last five weeks have been exercises in rec...

This is a mile off the race course on Mt Williamson 50 miles back, but it's important. The Last 26 Miles This section is a lover who’ll rake your back, fuck you so hard that you’d stay fucked, then ignore your calls. A standout in a Race that’s pretty much the same way. Its harsh, demanding, and indifferent to your esthetic preferences. You learn to love it on its own terms. Getting nervous? Wonderful. You’re looking at a legacy original mountain hundred, not a “backyard cheese-ball loop 100”, as Luis Escobar so eloquently described it. Spoiler alert I got my ass kicked. Its become the pattern for the summer: race , ass-kick recovery run . Minutes after the start from Chantry Flats, I’m practically by myself, Jeanne is seeing this part of the course for the first time. Now I get to find out how much I really remember of the course. The ribbons start coming down. Today, we’re lucky. Uncle Hal and friends are hosting an aid station at the 94 mile mark, 18 on today’s outin...

LG prior to Shadow of the Giants 50k with Magic Race Number. The lesser the accomplishment the bigger the picture. Action-selfie by Geoff Cordner. Don't hold it against him. Everything you’ve read about this race* is true. Now its up to me to provide lies and embellishments. Baz Hawley kept us waiting around prior to yelling “FUCK OFF” to start the race. In time-honoured fashion he regaled us with details about his latest medical procedures, presumably his Acute Mangina. He's retired more times than Cher, but nevermind. The assembled multitudes were busy busting out selfies, whiling away the boxcar waiting and nervous walking typical of these events. The moment the race started, all the real talent ran away. Guys: this means you’re not taking enough time doing What Needs To Be Done. Ladies: this is where the fun starts—Barry White and Suntan Oil. We all know where it goes from here. I did what I do best: boring the living shit out of runners unlucky enough who didn’t get ...

The Scenic Mound between Kratka and Eagle's Roost. [Mon, May 26, 2014] This morning my brain is mud. I slept in til 7. Overall I had a good, tough day yesterday. My job was to sweep the course of marker surveyor ribbons put up by the training run front-runner. I’m so slow right now its the only honorable way to participate. Pre-start pix were taken, but I declined to be in. Its the runner’s show, not mine. Yesterday's 27 mile Islip to Chilao AC100 training run was held under optimal conditions. That's not a typo. Weather was generally mild, there was generous aid from dedicated volunteers. God bless all of you. And it still kicked unholy ass. Wait until it really gets hot. The first-timers, accompanied by veterans, experienced a very challenging section of the course that is always overshadowed by Mt Wilson and other glamor-betties. They are the wise ones who got to feel the lay of the land and the route that is beyond the grasp of a GPS or any other app. For all...

The acid still hadn't worn off. Completely fried after Born To Run 50k, first event in nearly 21 months. Taken along side Hwy 154 N of San Marcos Pass, Santa Barbara Co, CA. May 18 2014     The first 10 miles were young love-- it was all so fresh and new. I thought I'd met my soulmate, no thoughts of previous lovers. The 2nd ten miles were inspirationally hard, and so much dialog and learning, but we got thru it, our love crushing and dominating.   As I finished, I became an impromptu celebrity based on my quiet mastery of SKT Method. I was cheered on as an inspirational meme by lawn chairs. Jumper cables were stowed away, the SAR team was told to take a hike. The final 11 miles were bitter and judgemental. The harsh light of day revealed that we had nothing to say, because it was all about you. And I blame you. Literally. And shit. RD Luis Escobar, pre-race trail briefing. Or perhaps you weren't paying attention. Born to Run ultras,  Los O...

A BRIEF FORWARD , by Dr Erasmus Binkster Canada has given the United States many things. That's because Canadians are naturally generous. For instance: Peter Jennings, Dan Aykroyd, Celine Dion, Wayne Gretzky, France Jolie. And Canadians are so generous, they only want Wayne Gretzky back. We can keep the rest. Including Avril Lavigne.   Avril wrote a song, nay, epic poetry that speaks to the fragrant heart of ultrarunning. No kidding. Here it is. I'm sure you may see yourselve[s] in this dainty ballad.   PS All of you out there with 15 year old daughters can skip the pop-quiz at the end. G8R Boi [with insincere apologies to Avril Lavigne] He was a trail-boy, she was, like, a 10k girl   Can I, like, make it any more obvious?   He was a trail punk, she did road 10ks   Like, What more can I say?   He'd like to do her, she'd never tell,  secretly she wanted his trail-jerky self as well.   But all of her friends hiked up their tights   They h...

A shout-out to all the Little Shoes out there in UltraLandia. The hyena augurs nothing but waves of healing energy and positive vibrations as Mr Stern dances on the trails. Selfie By Miki. "None. None less camera-friendly"  Its a hyena, and if you're hating on it, you've just hurt its feeling! That's the mouth it kissed its mother with, by the way. Coyotes are positively GQ in appearance compared to hyenas. Of course, Chris knows where that QuoteBot®™ goes from here. Hyenas are not popular with the Whole Paycheck set. Carrion, bone-cracking jaws, and culture-specific table-manners would be unnerving guests in vegan/paleo/bullshito precincts. Its just how they drag—"not good or bad, just different" [cf Dr Casino Bingo, with a DendroChronoShove®™ from Dr Rebecca VSF. They don't write selfie-biographies, they narrate them. As befits an oral culture. So lean close, and they'll tell you shit you don't want to know, but desperately need ...

haiku for winter trailrunning by Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast. Title in all lower case means its very sensitive and concerned.  Trail snow is gnar, dude. Microspikes scrape ice — surprise! Airborne panic… why? Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast flourished in the Late Hentai Period of the Gyoza Shogunate. He is believed to have lived and practiced in the Gojira Prefecture.

The Western States 100 Lottery Anxiety, explained as a diagrammed sentence.  I've tackled the problem of the WS100 Lottery head-on—this explains it all in a logical, calm manner. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance in this matter. In the meantime, don't applaud, just throw money. [File under 'Diagrams and Charts/Weird Science]

You're looking into the deep past of a bygone industrial age of the 1920s. This is a Universal Grinder. They came in several sizes, and promised to make your life amazing and easy in so many ways. The 1994 LA Earthquake came roaring out of the ground, the freight train from hell on January 17, 1994, at 04:31. Half the city lost gas and power. When I made it home from my girlfriend's just after dawn, my apartment was still standing. Gas, but no power. I was supposed to go to work, but that didn't happen. Jangled and suddenly very sleepy, I fell into a deep nap.  Several hours later, I'm kind-of awake.  Aftershocks are still rumbling through the city. I'd made a triple-espresso.  S itting at my kitchen table, half-awake, and watching my coffee cup dancing slowly around the table. I began to think— OK, I've got a camp-stove, Bialetti pots, water, coffee...what would happen if I didn't have any beans ground? Holy shit! Being a swap-meet and flea-m...

The Dude is a Hipster; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down at Coachella He leadeth me beside the fixies, He restoreth my white-boy soul He loadeth me in the tats of righteousness for His name' sake, and shit Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of norm, I will fear no evil: For thou DJs are with me; Thy 'pod and 5-bars, they comfort me. Thou preparest kombucha before me in the presence of whatever; Thou anointest my head with kale; My sideburns runneth over. Surely PBR and 420 shall follow me all the daze of my life, and I'll hang out in the House of the Hip, whenever.

Luis Escobar getting his sponsored-ass kicked on the first pass over Baldy, 2004. One more to go. In 2012 he repaid the debt by calling me "the worst SOB RD anywhere" when I crossed the BTR50k finish line . He learned well. Relevant Race History: 1988-2004 "A mildly disturbing event with a cult-like atmosphere" —Craig Holloway Originated by John Davis , with his sons Ken and Stan. With the artistry, precision and eye to maximal sensory overload that can only come from the mind of an aerospace engineer (John) and a classically-trained musician (Ken) the race was born. Stan provided SysOps support. J oe Franko adds that "Actually, as I recall, the credit should go to John's son Ken, who laid out the course as part of a college project at Cal Poly, Pomona. We were students together then. He was an undergraduate in mathematics and I a graduate student."  So who said that science, math and pain...

Uplifting Social Media Meme An essential part of learning is finding shit out. Seems pretty obvious, but WTF—its not quite like getting married or invading Iraq. I did my first 50mi 90 days after my first 50k—and had my head handed to me on a plate. I finished, but holy hell. My advice on when and how to do a 50miler is given with this knowledge. Your mileage may vary. Just one of my control issues, but you'll figure your own shit out. Or not. All this is a different order of business than charging people money to run 25 miles per week and drag a tire while telling them its gonna get them to the finish line in an ultra, especially a 100-mile. There are people who do that, and should be flogged. Pinoy fun-hogs running the Hollywood Half with a surfboard and climbing rack, plus the Lunas. Somebody's gotta do it. I'd gotten marathons cold-wired well before I even considered a 50k. My then-training level gave me 3-4 marathons a year. But I was getting ...

Yours truly back in the day when a boy and his friend's shark could run a 100—Wasatch, 1992. CHANGES IN THE ULTRA LANDSCAPE The whole landscape of ultras have changed radically in the last 10 years. The day of RDs putting on races because they love the sport are giving way to corporate-sponsored series, with all attendant features and blemishes. Runners themselves have changed since I got into all this back in 1989. I came from a backcountry ski/travel/mountaineering focus. You self-insert, and self-extract. Runners now reflect the widely suburban culture, that expects free parking, deep swag-bags, medals and probably buckles for their 10ks. Races and their entry requirements are also part of this education process. A 50k is a different order of business than a 50-mile, 100k, and a 100-mile. We have legacy 100s that have not significantly changed their qualification requirements since Day One. Gutting out a 50 on the flats is not likely to get y...