Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

A while back there were a spate of posts on the presumed dangers and evils of NSAIDS. Whooooooooo, was I scared. There were sober-faced recitations of all the really Baaaaaad things that it would do to you, followed by 2nd-hand fatuous advice from MDs regarding same. But guess what? NSAIDS were taking the heat for incompetent training, bad "coaching" advice, and poor judgement by many ultrarunners. Several years ago, we were all treated to an account of a gal who turned her guts inside out at Across the Years, who was dehydrated, went to the hospital, was a CCU guest and all that...and NSAIDS got the rap. I can hear the wailing now, and little hands pounding away on the keyboards. Relax, it'll get yr minds off Jeopardy questions regarding the Southern flag, [of which there are 2: the civil ensign and the battle flag, but that's one for the re-enactors out there]. I digress. Where were we...pain killing! Pain killers MASK pain. Imagine. Blocks transmissions at c...

A Pretentious Fat Koach, er, Man regales the unwary with details on stretching.... I'll Dance With My Reefer A few minutes ago I took off my shoes, And balanced against my refrigerator. The calf raises I commenced to start, I'll do it again later. I did 45 slow raises with each leg. I weigh 270 lbs today, [sans clothes]. I fronted my bulk against cool white, The door against my nose. As I slid against the enamel finish, My "he-boobies" a-squeaking, I was glad I was facing front-to-back, Or it would have been butt-hairs I'd been tweaking. I'm glad I can share this with all of you, I know you follow my gist, Because each and every one of you, Are my friends upon the List.

Today's a Day Without Mirth, In Kanine Happiness, there is a dearth, An uncritical audience exceeds its worth, For Frosty's left me, here on Earth. His favorite words were: "Let's Go Running", Even though he knew I was just funning, In small circles 'round [it's "Littleton-ing"], While by the swings, I'd be sunning. Frosty's in Heaven and getting started, Running laps with the dear departed, I'll remember him as I shuffle broken-hearted, While at Badwater -- shopping-kart'd.

POEM ABOUT REAL LOVE When the full moon transits Venus, Is when I start dreaming of gator Penis, Only in fall when leaves are golden, Doing hucklebuck like in days of olden. [still with me?] Now I'm running with tights so loose, The guys whistle seeing my lips of moose, A welcome change from hee-haws, Yes! I'm past menopause. [I'm on a roll! So spread me!!!] When days are chilly I'll eat clam chowder, Unadulterated by soy powder, No rigid veg can give me heat, Like a hot foot-long of gator meat. Oh my, Oh me I think I've got to pee. ---Lady Gee-Spot

So far from List I have been mopin', I was unaware my account was still open. And for all of you who've been waitin' [hopin'], That Love's Cow-Poke has still been ropin'. My house will be finished in just about three days more, And from a great remove I hear the Listers roar, The bottomless well of salt and more, I heard a silent hand on My Heart's Door. I told wise folks back in Philly, I had my share of city-life [rilly!], Now I feel like a fresh young lily, Buyin' lotto tickets with Buck and Billy. My House of Love, of much is said, I have a second room--and a double bed, And o'er the floor you'll gently tread, And not disturb those getting Head. But let me tell you of this I know, For My FP tells me so, I hear his whistle while I go, Leaving golden tracks of yellow snow. Gosh! I feel better already. ORN: Avoided salt-trucks, dived into ditch. Maybe 4 miles tomorrow. With Wuv, Lad...

Mr Trail Safety in his element. Photo by Andrea Feucht. Don't hold it against her. (original post 2001, post-edits April 25, 2013) Now this is probably what you were waiting for . If you get offended easily, please read to the end of the post and get your money's worth. As Bette Davis once might have said..."Unbunch your panties, it's gonna be a fun ride." At the Friday Nite Pre-race, the BIC Lighters were going off, and runners were throwing their shorts on the stage as Linda and Geri went through the pre-race usual. Amidst the lurking Barking Ducks I could hear "FREE-BIRD!" and so on. The race started on Saturday at 0500. Lucky for me, I was still in bed. Several hours later I woke up and made some French Roast and watched the Japanese fleet sink into the Coral Sea. Bummer for them, I had an aid-station to Krewe. I donned ritual garb of white coveralls, with nary a wrinkle or crinkle, and had a solemn vest with totemistic numbers therein, s...

A nameless truthseeker once wrote: Shouldn't there also be some correlation with acute injuries other than sprains, if the "sweets connection" hypothesis is true? Falls, etc.? EDITED STATISTICAL MASS Wake up! Let's call this statistical dredging what it is: JUNK SCIENCE. I don't know about the rest of the List, [or at least the parts of the List that still have Critical Brain Mass left], but this is meaningless! However, using this seductive analytical model, we can now describe definite links between the following Categories: Men => Hard-Ons Women => Menstrual Cramps Night => Darkness Nipple Chafe => Bloody T-shirts Lets also include links between the remaining categories as well: Ultras => Fatigue Trail Dirt => Brown Socks PowerBars => Funny Little Animals Letters to "Penthouse" => Reality and so on. The point is, ladies and gentlemen; that any sort of linkage can...

Howdy! all you Happy UltraKultists and Wallet-sized Poster Children... Highline 50 is coming up fast and furious in your face like the Great One-Eyed Desert Lounge Lizard that it is! As some of you doubtlessly realize, Yrs Truly, Mr Trail Safety is going to be Large and In Charge at Mile 44. For some, this will feel like Mile .44. The decimal point is meaningless. In which case, all of your Libertarian beliefs will have been thoroughly audited to your own satisfaction. Or, you could you be like "Tiny girls, Dancing for Gold..." Me, I'll be John Tesh-like; sitting at a tiny toy piano, banging out "Music Box Dancer" or other greats from the Richard Clayderman ouevre. Well, you can't make an omelette with out breaking an ouevre. More on that later. It is entirely likely that one of the following items will be present: ***Kim Chee ***Chewing Tobacco ***Squeezie Cheez ***30-wt motor oil ***Kessler's Whiskey ***Dog Biscuits ***E-Z Insertable Serrano Chilis ***...

Egregious and desperate measures commonplace here at the Hellmouth 100 Hellmouth 100-Mile Endurance Fun Run and Dog Jog For the Third Straight Year, since 1998 of the Last Century, the Hellmouth 100 is here for our benefit alone. But U-2-Can-Join-The-Hellmouth-100 Family. At the hip [NTB], if necessary. Here it is! The race starts at 12:00pm sharp, Aug Sept 19 2000 from the fabulous BoehnerDome Mojado County Fairgrounds, 10001 E Milspec Thruway, Hellmouth CA EXPLOITATIVE INTRODUCTION Picking your first 100 is a big decision. You will find out many things. For instance: You might discover that legal representation before, during and after the event may be necessary. But let's not dwell on that right yet. Many races are touted as a good "first time". So are the sisters of a lot of really scary guys. The humididty of Vermont, the poison oak at Western, the potentials for building a great rock collection at Wasatch, the nose-shattering aridity at Leadville,...

In which a Race Report is filed regarding the San Gabriel Mtns 50k. REPORT HIGHLIGHTS: ***Life's A Bitch, then you finish uphill. ***Some runners were drinking Aid Station beer ***Why STUFF Magazine is totally cool ***Blatant Attempted Puppet Abduction ***S&R Dogs that Drink Beer and Find Amorous Couples in the Wild ***RD Jim O'Brien has a twisted sense of humor ***Ian Torrence & Jennifer Johnston win like last year. So much for the highlights. Now is the hard-hitting report that everybody has been waiting for. What....really happens at an end-stage aid station? The morning dawned clear and cold. Perky weather indicators were in evidence everywhere at the start. The sun rose and not a moment too soon for the shivering heroes. WIth a shout and whoop, they were off and the Mt Zion Aid Station Krewe begins its descent. Chucky the Cheez-Kutting Kougar lives nearby, and has missed the company of chubby hikers due to the recent closure of the Chantry Flats Picnic Area. As bef...

I found myself with my lovely girlfriend at the Muir Woods Aids Station this past Saturday morning. It was as if I dreamt I woke up in Manila in a tub full of ice, holding a note that said "call 911". But I still had my kidneys. I was a volunteer. Yes, I had departed my usual haunts in the roiling glittery mecca of sin and decadence of Los Angeles, known affectionately as "The Great Satan", and made his annual penetration to the Dark Heart of Northern California Ultrarunning. I was prepared. I had brought my 'Barney' hand-puppet, complete with bib number 69 from a previous Quad Dipsea. Slowly our team assembled. Suzanne Williams, the Aid Station Sumprema bent us to our tasks. Ms Leslie Sowle, Professor Liz Boyd, Suzanne Williams, and Yrs Truly, Mr Trail Safety. Mo Bartley, erstwhile Goddess of Cool had other plans, presumably involving rotation of air in tires, and was unable to join us. We were a fine blend of wizened experience and fresh, raw talent. Ms Ke...

Leadville CO, 1994 [Post updated Nov 2021]  The Divine Madness running cult of Boulder CO was a hot topic in the mid 90s. I got to see them in action during the 1997 Leadville 100. It had everything lurid for the pre-clickbait era: sex, running, weird diets, and behavioral compulsions. === (4/09) f urther reading on Divine Madness running cult   : This Women's Sport and Fitness articl e on Divine Madness and a reporter's infatuation has really gotten a head of steam up. I read it with considerable interest, and located the following pressure points: a sense of longing and lack of fulfillment on the part of the reporter observations of a group dynamic that are manipulative the curiosity of the reporter about how to do better some editorial tweaking to pump up the text for the non-ultra readership [which is infinity minus 8,000, give or take]. For those who've seen Yo Tizer in action at Leadville and are willing to remember, it's memorable. Watching the "Y...

In response to rising concern about the Safety Factor In Ultras®™, Mr Trail Safety is happy to announce the creation of Kare-Bear Ultras. Is this Evolution or Kreationism? Ponder that warm fuzzy thought while we happily spool thru the following features: THE RACE COURSES: * HO-Scaled 50k, 50Mile, 100k and 100-mile courses. This HO scale is not what tourists go to Bangkok or Vegas for, but we'll make adjustments *just* for you. Because you are *special* THE COURSES WILL ALL BE: * Gently Rolling * Carpeted in PGA Spec-Compliant Turf * Tree Shaded by Genuine Virgin Old Growth Brazilian Mahogany * Moonlit as Necessary * Marked with Glow Sticks and Really Kute Animated Animated Trolls that grunt and point. THE AID STATIONS WILL STOCK: * Oversize Milkshakes in vanilla only * Yummy Mommy-safe Power Pudding * Tip-proof 80oz Sippie-Kups * NoFat Irradiated Devilled Eggs * Free-Range Not-too-Spicy KimChee * Reclining Ergonomic Wide-Butt Lay-Zee-Boy Doubble-Wide Recliners * Keepsake ging...

I, the Apprentice. Wasatch 100, 1998 Finish Line , somewhere outside of Heber City UT Hey, there's only 9 hrs difference between Brandon and me. And he was profoundly grateful. He'd paced me at Leadville in '97--25 miles of hilarious discourse on poisonous mushrooms, Copper Cyn, lizards, and then some ultra what-all. I was running so he wouldn't stall out from the granny-gear workout. For all of you lucky guys and gals doing Wasatch this weekend. This is when it was easier. Sort of. Or maybe brain-death masquerading as nostalgia, which ain't what it used to be. Looking For Kitty: Free-Range Organic Wasatch Bandwidth We were all Looking For Kitty. This Kitty, and we the fortunate few. Over the course of time, space and electrolytic conversion; private ambitions were molded like sticky Powerbars into public objects. Sometimes art is not pretty. I joined the Limbo Line with 250+ other supplicants. By race end, there were 14 Crimson Cheetahs, sub-...

A long time back, a nameless person suggested: To make trail running really popular, it needs to be on tv. Or the subject of a box office smash. Then you'll have all sorts of folks out on the trail. So, to humor the humorless...here's TRAIL-RUNNER: THE MOVIE! *See gelatinous Hollywood club-rats act out some of your favorite trail-running scenes, and lip-sync lame dialog at low elevation! *See Hollywood actresses with suspiciously large breasts fumble for their water-bottles and flashlights in the day-for-night shots! *Hear the hit ballad "Your Love Is Like a Powerbar" as sung by Celine Dion, Britney Spears, Puff Daddy and the Teletubbies! *Look for the 96-can Limited Edition Pepsi Cans of your favorite TRAIL-RUNNER stars in the BurgerSwamps near You! *Watch and wait as MILLIONS OF AMERICANS just like you decide that they would rather eat a pine cone and bark at the moon instead of running a step. *Gloat at your inevitable Darwinian superiority. See, you really can ha...

This could be you. Have a nice day. I originally posted this in 1999 or so. It has a long shelf-life and the mouth-feel is still wonderful. Recently there have been a spate of anguished "drops" from the UltraList regarding content, tone, and suitability of the message, if not the messenger. Inasmuch as the majority of these messages appear to be from relative newcomers to the sport, or the List, some clarifications are necessary. I want to thank Suzi Shearer and Laurie Staton for their historical reviews of basic Ultra Facts, such as "Grand Slam" info and other epistolary nuggets they kindly shared out amongst all of us. Be glad they paid attention to your requests...they are wonderful people with busy lives of their own. Also: The List is not a 7-11 One-Stop Info-Dump Carry-Out designed to get Newbies thru "Baby's First Ultra". It is a bulletin board. Most of the posts are superfluous and meaningless. Some are even pretty funny, intentional...

Note: Some of the original recipients made some suggestions and I felt that the UltraList in All It's Glory might benefit. Then again, maybe not. This is a Full-Spectrum Data Dump, so plan accordingly . PROLOGUE Yes. The title is a come-on and a cheap shill. For this is really the story of one Andy Roth, who in the shape and form of VisionKwest Seeker "Casino Bingo", came to terms with Truth, Adventure, Manliness and Blood-Suckin' Freaks of Nature known as mosquitos. The wise man wonders why mosquitos don't pick on large and immobile pumpkins or zucchinis. That will be answered later. THE STANDARD NARRATIVE The Normal Ultra-Narrative commences here with the following incantations: When I arrived at [race] I met [folks]. I ate the big pasta dinner at [locale]. I got up the next morning and took a good long [euphemism]. The race began. Things were looking pretty good. My splits were pretty near the [lotto numbers] I had planned. At about mile [tbd] ...

We all know nature is good. Walt Disney and Steven Speilberg say so. Christy Brinkley does too. They know. Especially Christy. She knows plenty about keeping warm in a snow-cave. But now it's coming on to spring, and then summer. Amidst all the pretty flowers, there's our friend Mr & Mrs Poison Oak. Say Hi! to them. They like us, and you in particular. Now, if by chance, you r-u-b-b-e-d any of those shiny leaves on any part of your young bum, it's OK. Really. Here's what we do. 1) Sit back and wait. It's Nature's Way. 2) When the Itchy Monsters come, go ask Mom for several things. Ask Mom if she has any Clorox or a wire brush. Dad may have to get that from his work-bench. Then ask her for a can of lighter fluid and a big box of kitchen matches. She'll have them, because *Moms Know*. 3) Splash on the Clorox, and go to town. Then everywhere it itches, even a wee little bit, just get Mr Wire-Brush to do his thing. He's kind of stern. Then when you'v...

Am I alone in the raw nipple zone? For most runs over 2 hours in the pouring rain, With ground all wet and muddy, I begin to experience tactile pain, With hair-shirts turning bloody. Surely many of you have experienced this exciting effect, But I've come up with ingenious methods of cure! Without resorting to a 7% Solution And for mortification I will defer, That Suffering is The Logical Conclusion. The best news I could hear, Is that my nips will cease to be affected. I'll not slap the Bag Balm, nor apply the duct tape, For my Path Has Now been Selected. I'll straighten my Turban, and declaim: "Beulah, peel me a grape!" --Indolent in Hollywood, Lady Gee-Spot

J-Tree Lost Weekend Millenial VisionKwest 2.0 "You Want It Bad, You Get it Bad. The Worse You Want It the Worse You get it." Sri Mahand IsFast. As was forecast by 'Casino Bingo' and 'Draw Poker', It Came To Be [r][tm]. This weekend's "J-Tree Millenial VisionKwest" at the Joshua Tree Nat Monument exceeded all boundaries of good taste and methane threshholds.Witness the following from a recovered- memory diary: >Hi Everybody! >Woke up real early, went to work, drank coffee, >talked on phone, went to office burfday partee, then >got in the car and drove 4 hours out to Joshua Tree. Woke up and >filled my bottles and traded split info with all the other >CRS JoggerDaddies I saw out there, including Bucky Kibble III, >We started to run on the Poontang Trail but soon got lost etc etc. He missed the boat. Sad to say, this diarist took a wrong turn, and ran in slow circles around the Big Casino off I-10. This is the same I-10 that pas...