Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

A BRIEF FORWARD , by Dr Erasmus Binkster Canada has given the United States many things. That's because Canadians are naturally generous. For instance: Peter Jennings, Dan Aykroyd, Celine Dion, Wayne Gretzky, France Jolie. And Canadians are so generous, they only want Wayne Gretzky back. We can keep the rest. Including Avril Lavigne.   Avril wrote a song, nay, epic poetry that speaks to the fragrant heart of ultrarunning. No kidding. Here it is. I'm sure you may see yourselve[s] in this dainty ballad.   PS All of you out there with 15 year old daughters can skip the pop-quiz at the end. G8R Boi [with insincere apologies to Avril Lavigne] He was a trail-boy, she was, like, a 10k girl   Can I, like, make it any more obvious?   He was a trail punk, she did road 10ks   Like, What more can I say?   He'd like to do her, she'd never tell,  secretly she wanted his trail-jerky self as well.   But all of her friends hiked up their tights   They h...

Imagine being strapped to the roof of your mother's car. You are being driven through the countryside. Bugs stick to your teeth. Nobody wants to stop for ice cream. You have no control over the process. You are not yet a complete part of the environment. Now the car arrives at a trailhead. You are left wearing two left shoes and a pair of extra-small "Batman" underwear. The shoes are sequined. The parking lot is full of Cub Scouts. You've gotta wedgie. They are paying close attention. You will be able to use all of your senses. Now imagine stepping onto the trail. Before going anywhere, you are wearing welder's gloves and you need to thread a needle. You have been asked to complete an incomplete circumcision on an irritable, elderly bull elephant-seal. Think of yourself as the thread and the trail as the eye of the needle. Knit one, purl two. Do not deprive yourself of any of your senses by separating yourself from what's beneath your feet and ahead of you. Co...