Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Finisher belt-buckle for the obscure cultic "URFKT100" 100-mile trail race. Hello, fun-hogs! As we all know, Americans don't likes to pronounce names that require any additional effort outside the HFCS Food Groups. So, in recent conversations with Dr Casino Bingo, we decided to fix that problem. Of course there are shakedown "feeder" races, so runners can "pre-qualify", before they dominate and/or crush the respective courses. The Körnhole 100 is based on the classic Kornhole 69 Hr Track Run.  This rugged finisher's buckle is crafted from select off-cuts of All-American CX 3/4" plywood. Hand-tooled by D&L Holistic Industries' doe-eyed eco-femmes, in the offshore tax-havens of the Bang Slap Archipelago.  INCOMPLETE RACE INFO: Height Categories: Dwarf, Average, and Too Damn Tall Weight: Anorexic, Uneasy-About-It, Love Handles & Roll-Overs, and Truck-Scale Worthy. Length: Guys, I suspec...

(notes from the Estate of Dr Quadde, all rights reserved) Alone With the Fur-Bearing Great Whites of Big Quimfire Lake By Roccardo “Dick” Quadde, Rfp, SoQ, AmF. Early in the summer of 1969 I was taking a summer sabbatical trip through the Rhümpe-Wrangeling foothills. The slopes were a verdant riot of majestic trees, which extended from their roots through their wooden trunks all the way to the tops. As we wound up the scenic George Murphy Highway, I was listening to the resonate static of the Hellmouth (Amalgamated) PolySci radio station KGFY. Between sibilant hisses of static one could enjoy the melodic strains of Thomas Schnabel’s Divertimento in D Minus For Brazilian Nose Flutes, opus 9 1/2 , which I had seen performed live when I was an undergraduate back in my sunny tropical years at the H. Wallace Beddoes Institute. Today however, I was on a different ichthyological errand. Reports had come filtering out of the chop-sleeved, snuff-dipping, chain-sawed uplands that had cau...

(one of an occasional series from the archives of the "Journal for Crypto-Ethnology" Spring 1991) by Dr. Roccardo F. "Dick" Quadde; RfP, SoQ, AmF. The long winter passed uneventfully, a slowly leaking bladder full of inert gas. I was occupied greatly by the continuing investigations into the previous summer’s disastrous expeditions to the lofty and distant Dorkolithic spires. But as the days lengthened and the snows began to retreat from the the alpinid meadows, I became anxious and eager seek a remarkable vanished remnant of Hellmouth’s glory-hole days during the fabled Kaopectatum Boom. The object of this quest was to locate the remains of a startling aeronautical prototype that had literally gone in a blaze of glory from the small mining hamlet of Hellmouth back in the summer of 1909. Wherefore the shift from coprolytica to aeronautica? One typically blustery and cold November afternoon I had been doing research in the Archival Manuscript Section of the He...

The buckle looks like this. No shit. Doppeldonger 50/50: My First 50K Buckle (Part XXII) The gun went off. I was charging up Boner Cyn, arms churning and butt-cheeks flapping. Pretty soon the race was down to double digits. At the first aid station (Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, 1:20) I wrestled a lawnchair away from a very large woman in polyester tights and a "Lion King" sweatshirt. Her skinny wispy-bearded boyfriend "Nigel" who was wearing a Klingon Starfleet Academy jumpsuit was getting agitated, but fuck him! I was the ultra-stud gunning for my first buckle, OK? I changed my shoes and re-vaselined my face. Now I was ready. The last foot-long chili-dog was history. My loins were girded. I was the Inner Warrior. Here are some notes I made during the race, with my splits: Chorizo Flats, 4.3mi, (1:20) Wanker Hollow Pass 9.5mi Mother's Lament (12.8mi) Highway 69 Underpass (14.6mi) Wheezer Creek (17.2 mi) Brown-Eye Summit (20.1) Bongwater Cross...