Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ultras You've Never Heard Of


Finisher belt-buckle for the obscure cultic "URFKT100" 100-mile trail race.
Hello, fun-hogs!

As we all know, Americans don't likes to pronounce names that require any additional effort outside the HFCS Food Groups. So, in recent conversations with Dr Casino Bingo, we decided to fix that problem.

Of course there are shakedown "feeder" races, so runners can "pre-qualify", before they dominate and/or crush the respective courses.




The Körnhole 100 is based on the classic Kornhole 69 Hr Track Run. 

This rugged finisher's buckle is crafted from select off-cuts of All-American CX 3/4" plywood. Hand-tooled by D&L Holistic Industries' doe-eyed eco-femmes, in the offshore tax-havens of the Bang Slap Archipelago. 

INCOMPLETE RACE INFO:

Height Categories:

Dwarf, Average, and Too Damn Tall

Weight:

Anorexic, Uneasy-About-It, Love Handles & Roll-Overs, and Truck-Scale Worthy.

Length:
Guys, I suspect that this category will be most rife with obfuscations, hedgings, and outright cheating. Applicants/claimants will argue [invariably] that it all depends on who's doing the "examinations". With that said, here goes.

[music sfx: cue up Ron Jeremy]

Peewee, Piddling, Dull-Normal, "I'm Feeling Good", and "Too Much of A Good Thing". 
[For those unclear on the concept, here *is* a difference between 9 inches and 9 centimeters].

Just so no one complains of being left out, for the ladies and the guys out there who are still with us-- Behold the JogBra Competition:
Categories include Teeny, Perky, Tasty, Hmmm, Melons Out of Season, Eye-popping.

Swell huh? If this was Jeopardy, "I knew the answers, but I did not get the questions right..."

For those that just woke up, this is your chance to steer the thread back to the safe waters of salt, blisters, "why RD's are congenitally mean to me", and "what is an ultra?"

Well, gotta tend to the hydroponic PowerBar farm under the grow-lights!

RTTC100 is a proud member of the Hellmouth Ultra Marathon Project [HUMP], brought to you by D&L Holistic Industries, and Offshore Vacuum Party Ltd, Gmbh.



Race To The Crack 100 [RTTC 100] is a 100 mile street ultra through the streets of LA and ending up at the most famous crack in the earth in LA, the La Brea Tar Pits. 

Along the course you'll have aid stations that offer stimulants, uppers, downers and the perennial favorite that the race is named for. 

Run like you've never run before, feeling fast and free the whole way! There are time limits. You gotta get to the aid stations before the police do! You also got to get to the finish before you crash and burn. 

Think you've hit the wall before? Think again, Punky! If you've taken salt in past races, or ingested caffeine laced gummies, or lobbed down gobs of Vitamin I, then this race is for YOU! If you've had trouble with your stomach in a 100, never fear. If you can still find your stomach at the end of this race, you're a winner.

All proceeds from the RTTC 100 will benefit the race director, Moi [aka Joe Franko], who needs to continue his Vitamin I habit. 4 tabs of IBP no longer do it for me. Got a headache, now I take 8. Soon, even 16 won't be enough. There will be bottles to buy, folks, so send in your $1000 entry fee. I know it's high, but you'll love the goodies at the aid stations.

"Well Meant For Pleather!"...The Döppeldönger 50-50 is one of the qualifying races for the classic Hellmouth 100. — at somewhere in CA.


Rugged finisher's buckle from the Idatard 100, no worries about being a winner here!

So there you go. Rest assured, entry is by Lottery only. More details as they're available. Nobody will answer your email queries.



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