Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

I was summoned for jury duty this past May. I showed up. And here's what transpired: -------------- Greetings, citizen! You'll be amused! amused! that my troll shirt, a pair of wrinkled trou, some beat-up shoes and 3.5 days of whiskers got me off jury duty. As we marched in, we were studied by both attorney teams. There was an abundance of sleek prosperity, poolside tans, expense account lunches. The shoes alone equalled many months rent where I live. The case: a 6 week donnybrook involving Mr & Mrs Mexican Plaintiff suing Toyota and the guy driving their FourRunner on New Year's Eve 2004, after it got hit by a Chevy Lumina. You know, the rolling beer-can. I pleaded Extreme Financial Hardship, [along with 7/8 of the jury panel]. We were recessed. Outside, I was talking to the guy sitting next to me. He'd plead the same. Only he was wearing D&G glasses, had designer jeans, shiny shoes and an oyster chunkette watch. I walked, he didn't. BTW: the costume sugges...

Hi fans and haters out there! Dakota here! First, I want to apologize to any of my fans who were shocked that I appeared at NASCAR wearing that Farmer John t-shirt. I know I said something about being a vegetarian, I dunno… sometimes all a girl wants is a Dodger Dog, the kind that Plump When They Swell. You're being a hater. But I AM SO *EMBARASSED*, mmm-kay? I don't know what Dad was thinking. It's a mullet thing. Jurassic Love. Second, my Passage to Indio has taken a detour. I was going to look for Sam Sarah. I heard he, like, booked, and shit. Currently, I'm hiding in the fountain at the Americana on Brand here in Glendale. That's in Cali. Now I'm smoking my American Spirits, drinking organic half-n-half, and waiting for the Naturepedic Yoga Centre to open so I can realign my chi. Or chai. What-fucking-ev-er! BRB!!!! CU L8TR!!!

Wedding Vows: The Guy View A friend got married a while ago. Here are some ideas I had for his wedding vows. Let's see...since I don't have the laptop for the PowerPoint Presentation, I'll just write down a few "talking points". Yep! That sounds right. Cover my ass, make points, and have time left over for a big honkin liplock. BIG IDEAS Sketch out some Big Ideas, then get to particulars. First get through the "have and hold, sickness and health part". Don't mumble. Then I go for the gusto. 1] Honey, your ass will NEVER look big. Ever. It'll only look BETTER than it is if you strap on these Manolos. 2] Vacations: Paris, France, or Perris, CA...aaah, what the hell! I'm with you, and I love Le Quarter Midget stock car races. 3] When asked to choose in a Galactic Battle for World Domination Between Yanni and Kenny G, I'll ask you for the current odds in Vegas, then bet double down on the white guy. 4] The remote control. It'll never g...

Be The Power That time of the year, again. This is when all good ultra-Bobs and -Betties look deep into their psychic drop-bags and take inventory of how They Can Do It Better Next Year .  Mr Trail Safety has done some preliminary research, and is happy to share out the results. Here's his Up-Close & Personal Resolution List:  I resolve to have the Victoria's Secret Gals as my crew and pacer for all runs and races over 26.2 miles. They will be dressed in "Sport-Appropriate" attire, consisting partially of fuzzy mules/or 4" Chas Jourdan heels, wee aprons so as not to stain them with Gatorade, etc; large silk turbans and dressing gowns when it gets below 60. They will be provided with satin-covered pith helmets and SPF-69 sunblock during the summer months.  I will high-step it over Katherine's Pass in Utah leading a brass band. The humble procession will conclude with a shaman swinging a censer and a chain-saw. Which one will be smoking the most?  My Ensu...

…The Also-Rans Of History! Now You, Your Family, and anyone in E-Z Reach can share The Awesome Majesty that is History's Glorious Pageant™! THE ENIGMATIC RECEDING CHIN DYNASTY Witness in spellbound fascination as we trace the glorious trajectory of this undeservedly obscure civilization. See their humble beginnings, described by famed archeologist Erasmus Binkster as “..Their moveable feast of culture was based on a simple take-out order...” Our travelog will take you in the comfort of your squishy-butt armchair through the turmoil that eventually brought this mighty empire to its knees, when religious zealots passed Draconian decrees against compulsory mastication. From this mournful twilight we can see the emergence of the Metrecal Dervishes as they swept down like thunder from the far-removed Seven-Eleven Parallel. THE MYSTERIOUS LA-Z-BOY TURKS This reclusive and mysterious culture are often confused with their more flamboyant and better-upholstered cousins, the Tuck-and-Rol...