Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

A shout-out to all the Little Shoes out there in UltraLandia. The hyena augurs nothing but waves of healing energy and positive vibrations as Mr Stern dances on the trails. Selfie By Miki. "None. None less camera-friendly"  Its a hyena, and if you're hating on it, you've just hurt its feeling! That's the mouth it kissed its mother with, by the way. Coyotes are positively GQ in appearance compared to hyenas. Of course, Chris knows where that QuoteBot®™ goes from here. Hyenas are not popular with the Whole Paycheck set. Carrion, bone-cracking jaws, and culture-specific table-manners would be unnerving guests in vegan/paleo/bullshito precincts. Its just how they drag—"not good or bad, just different" [cf Dr Casino Bingo, with a DendroChronoShove®™ from Dr Rebecca VSF. They don't write selfie-biographies, they narrate them. As befits an oral culture. So lean close, and they'll tell you shit you don't want to know, but desperately need ...

The Ultrarunner's Low-Archy of Needs The UltraRunner's Low-Archy of Needs was first proposed in 1994 during the D&L Colloquiums which have been studying what motivates brain-dead trail runners. Further research and study [Bingo:1997] suggested that esoteric stimuli-respond cues played a large part in cortical devolution. Further insights on the nature of sonic dissonance/interpretations of Antonio Carlos Jobim's "Girl From Ipanema [Fopak:1999] were seminal in the pursuit of relativity, and shit. Mapping this conceptual terrain had defied space, time and logic. It "must've gotten lost, somewhere down the line", but was recovered, not just waiting for the end of the world.

Wet/Wiped. LG in the chair, not looking forward to the last kick up the "hurtical" KD Trail. Jorge Pacheco won the Mt Disappointment 50k in 5 hrs. It took me 10hrs. Based on the entry fee, he paid twice as much per hour than I did for all that fun, not to mention heat, dust and dreams.  This course would be a fine introduction for those who've been led to believe in "California Carpet Trails". Had they been there yesterday, they've wished that they'd stayed home where it didn't get above 80º, and see their brows unfurrowed by inconvenient clouds blocking out the neutrino storms that are just par for this course. For the veterans out there, this race course was the mutant love-child of the bygone Lost Boys 50 and Bishop Mule Run 50k. The West Fork of the San Gabriel is examined thoroughly from high and low—crossing it at least 4 times, with lengthy run ups and outs to sun-blasted slopes where water is a seasonal memory far in the pas...

Trail Porn®™ Can Label. Courtesy of D&L Industries 1995 People have asked me "how did you train back in the day, and keep your strength up?" The secret ingredient: Trail Porn . And now, for the first time, the ingredients are visible for all. Load Up Like A Peasant, Light Up Like A King™ TrailPorn®™ has been America's Number One Favorite free-range pre-race loading and unloading dietary supplement for as long as we've been making it. Now the same great taste and chewy mouth-feel is here in the new, modern TrailPorn Lite®™ . This nutritionious, savory, and versatile product is a virtual-reality accompaniment to every part of your culinary experience, from pickled cabbage to vanilla ice cream. Look for the single-serving tetra-packs! Preparation: Serve either hot or cold, as a first course or canape supplement or appetizer. Stove top, micro-wave or tail-pipe friendly.Some settling may occur as this product was packed at full-volume while you wait. Hey now! Ingredie...

Team graphic for the 1997 Leadville effort. Originally posted in 1999. I did LT100 2.5 times, which was sufficient. The schlong remains the same, for those about to depart etc etc ... Stairway To Leadville There's a Kansas femme who's been sold, that all that buckles are gold And she's buying a stairway to Leadville When she gets there she knows, if the entries are all closed With a word she can get what she came for Ooh - ooh And she's buying a stairway to Leadville There's a pile on the trail, but she don't want to fail, 'Cause you know DNF's have two meanings In a latrine by the dam there's a squirrel who scams Sometimes all of our jogbras are misshapen Ooh, and I watch you blunder Ooh, and I watch you blunder There's a feeling I get when when my shoes are all wet And my spirit is crying for Bag-Balm Thru my brown-eye I've seen rings of fire through my knees And the voices of those who are standing just loo...

CHANTRY FLATS Angeles Nat Forest, above Sierra Madre CA, hothouse of Rose Bowl Queens Sunday dawned clear and warm. This was the first calendar day of autumn and yet was alive with hundreds of eager, ready and willing tiny bugs that wanted to homestead in any available nostril. That's the glory of love. Meanwhile, J-Lo was making her final tearful preparations. Bennifer was in the bathroom sulking. Her Inflatable Trail Companions in the form of Dr Casino Bingo, Draw Poker and MC Stumpy-D [shout out to all his homies in the HP!] had gathered at Chantry Flats. They were to run a short 22 miles to Millard Campground. A three-hour cruise. Butt-kickers and high-knees the whole way. Enough time to review the contents of the latest JoggersWhirld, and then get back to the mall for a smoothie. Ask Dave, I've forgotten her name already. The climb up Mt Wilson-Phillips passed in a blizzard of splits and statistics. Stumpy-D and Dr Bingo traded whiffleball headers. Draw Poker's head sn...

Dr Casino Bingo reads a map in a rising whispering wind. VisionKwest 4.0: "Passion of the Sliced " Joshua Tree National Park 3/27/04 31 miles LEFT-OVERTURE The Fourth Annual VisionKwest Invitational was held this past Saturday, Mar 27 at Joshua Tree. This annual 31 mile run across the rugged, stony landscape of the unique environment had many rewards and surprises for all the participants. The VisionKwest appeared as simultaneous revelation to the two unindicted co-originators, Casino Bingo and Draw Poker in 1999. The then-upcoming Millenium was stimuli to deep thinking on the subject. After consulting sacred texts [Morrison:1967, Page & Plant:1971], and channelling bardic entities, the VisionKwest was born. The course has had many starts, and several finishes, usually a dusty matte. The main route has always involved The California Riding and Hiking Trail. Play your cards right, and there will never be enough shade. There is no freely occurring water on the course. The r...

A Seasonal Prelude to Probable Magnificence DATELINE: LOS ANGELES 2004 While 22,000 Road Gerbils were getting their multi-figured money's worth out of the XIX Bill Burkathon here in the Great Satan By The Sea, I was a wee scampering Karma Squirrel skittering over the bosky flanks of Mt Wilson Phillips. Alone. Nearly naked. Cougar bait. And nary a Barking Duck [Torrence, Bingo, 1999] in sight. I have raised my sights to being a Sunday ultra-trail pest this summer. Not that I'm interesting in running ultras, but tagging along as a whoopie-cushion while others are training strikes me as worthy. It's like watching a slo-mo circus train wreck, where clowns are ejected from overturned box-cars, only with dorky hats and hairy butts. But I get ahead of myself. The weather had shifted from winter to spring in a few short days. Last week's chill and damp had given way to festive tendrils of happily buzzing flies, outriders to the hordes that will rise up and greet the rosy-finger...

Random cryptic image irrelevant to training runs Sun Jan 25 07 1354  We milled at the start at Fabled Chantry Flats. The air was well-hung with the ghostly echoes of Barking Ducks.  Hal "Clark Kent" Chiasson watched us from the safety of his car, and expressed relief he wasn't coming. After signing some forms, he maintained a straight face while backing away slowly.   The Holistic Ocarina sounded a plaintive note. We were off--a three-way struggle for Massive World Domination. Mr Trail Safety, Dr Casino Bingo and the cryptically tagged Micah "218 Koi" White were raging up the blacktop towards the Upper Winter Creek Trail, leaving naught but molten tar and .38 Special tunes in their wake.  The Massive World Domination [MWD] contest was off, and waddling. Each playah claimed a special disability.  "I've only run 10 miles this week"  "My Knee is still fucked up--but I want to keep my streak alive"  "I've been watching STYX informerc...

Misty Mountain Double-Donger: Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition   DATELINE: SEPT 14, 2003 ICE HOUSE CANYON, CA   "Morning had broken, like it does for infidels" as once was sung by Cat "Jihaadi" Stevens hung in the air like a cheap coat. This uplifting canticle set the tone for the Late Season Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition. The mandate of the expedition was clear: to seek out and destroy new worlds of understanding in the rugged and vertically-challenged peaks above the Ontario Mills Mall and Jail-Bait Recreation Zone.  The Crack Team was assembled in the gathering light: Dr Casino Bingo, Mr Trail Safety, and "Micah White" [not his real name]. It was to be a lightning strike, an unsupported scientific enquiry into the lives of the secretive and reclusive San Gabriel Barking Duck.  The Expedition would insert at Ice House Canyon, make a rapid upward foray up the [Roy] Chapman [Andrews] Trail to Ice House Saddle. Pausing ...

JT 3.2 Joshua Tree VisionKwest 3.2 .69 CEUs PRE-REQUISITE: Basic Knowledge of VisionKwest Study Materials. ESSENTIAL READING LIST: Shakira, Heidi Klum, Saul Alinsky, Maxim. FACULTY: C Bingo & D Poker Become as One with the Indifferent Vastness of the Sonoran/Colorado Desert Interface as you accompany Professors Casino Bingo & Draw Poker on a select scenic running tour of the Joshua Tree Nat Park. Seminar begins at Boy Scout Trail and ends up at Split Rock. Landmarks encountered along the way include but are not limited to Cap Rock, Geology Tour Road, chubby boy Scout Leaders, sweating German tourists, Pine City, Queen Mine, corpulent RV drivers, Dildo's Cave, and sweating poodles running in circles around parking lots. Runner expected to provide own pickle-brine and chorizo. 1 mtg: Sat Mar 22, 0700. =======SECTION CLOSED======= My hands shook as I read the course description. Where was mention of awards, prize money, permits and short-course PRs???? I hadn't been this n...

Lies, Damnable Lies A sultry whisper in my ear. “Finishing a marathon is like pie…warm Apple Pie…” It was Denise Richards. I began to sweat. I looked at my wristband. WWSD. What Would Satan Do? I was stuck for an answer. I smelled brimstone. A deep laugh boiled up beneath me. “Silly wabbit…Carboplex! Carboplex!…Remember last summer at band camp!” Dark laughter fading away. It takes a brain to laugh and a train to cry. A sound like a gunshot. The relentless Music-Box Dancer replay of “Chariots of Fire” Swirling issues of JoggerzWhirld blinded me. Recipes for low-fat smoothies and better 10k splits blighted my vision! I was trapped in a crowd of 50,000 gerbils wearing bibs and ChampionChips! I fell down. I was being trampled! Denise Richards was laughing at my incompetence… again! I tried to get up and she faded away in the crowd that swirled around her, as I woke up with a jolt. I was not running the XX LA Marathon . Praise Gawd. I lit a Kool 100 to settle my frazzled n...

My Half-Assed Culo Gordo The Homage to the epic Culo Gordo 50k was run yesterday in the Santa Monica Mountains. It followed the canonical route as laid down in the last century by the renowned "brujo-dybbuk" Devi Reinstein. I was late to the start due to an early morning drop off at LAX. I supposed if I hadn't flipped off the security goons and waved the gun I might have gotten there earlier. But I wanted the front-runners to have a fair chance. The morning was clear and sharp--nippleaciously perky in fact. The rain clouds of the night before had gone on to other locales. As I blundered up the trails out of Will Rogers State Park I wondered "Where's Meg Ryan when you need her? What's a tranquil Sunday morning without a loud cell-phone?" At the Backbone/Sullivan Cyn trail jct I could feel the heat of the front-runners. Their subtle imprints in the dirt led down into the canyon. I followed the yawns and butt-flares of the bobcat and cougar. At the bottom ...

Another Sunday-School Ultra Run 25 Miles up the old Mt Wilson Trail Sun Nov 17 2002, 0702 start Simultaneous finish [listed randomly] 6:43 John Doe #1/Andy Roth 6:43 John Doe #2/Jay Grobeson 6:43 John Doe #3/Mike "the Serb" Dimkich 6:43 John Doe #4/Mr Trail Safety [Dan Stumpus joined us for part of the event, but was restrained by hamstring problems from the Full Measure]. The route followed the following circuit: Old Mt Wilson Trail out of Sierra Madre--> Manzanita Ridge--> Mt Wilson-Phillips--> Sturtevant--> Chantry Flats--> Upper Winter Creek--> Manzanita Ridge--> Old Mt Wilson Trail back down to Sierra Madre. We were there to celebrate the repoening of the Forest. Chantry remains closed and will probably be more closed than open in the months to come due to construction, weather, and the inscrutable motives of the Sierra Madre Police Dept. Enough of that! This no aid/fee/whining/bullshit run was a Record Setting Unsupported Benefit for Lit...

Taking it to the Lord in prayer. Badwater: Final Prelude to Baldy Peaks 50k Tue, 30 Jul 2002 09:24:12 -0700   To all the Badwater Finishers out there...congratulations! What you now need is a cool, relaxing taper run to get the kinks out. And we've got that for you--in spades. And for those of you who didn't do Badwater, it's good for you too! Compare the Baldy Experience®™ to the Badwater Experience 50k vs 122/135 miles! More Trails...Less asphalt! Sanguine Big-horns smoking cigarettes vs circling buzzards! A cool 85 degrees vs 123 degrees! No need to push a shopping cart or pull a rickshaw! Aid Stations! 12Hr cutoff vs 60Hr cutoff! Baldy Peaks 50k inspires finishers to say "Damn! I'll never do *that* race again".  And yet they come back, some say like gerbils to cocaine, others like swallows to Capistrano. Go ahead, dare to be Special!

The following item was part of a recent Trail Workshop recently held on Mt Wilson-Phillips here in Satanic SoCal. The garroulous keener know as Ray Manzrek was channeled in order to provide background noise. "Betty Davis Eyes" provided by Kim Carnes. The featured vocalist was Barney, washed up and recently rehabbed ex-child star. He was accompanied by the Gary Coleman Sackbutt Chorus, with ocarina solo by Richard Clayderman. Mr Barney took center stage at the Kylie Minogue Dinner Theater Amphitheatre at the Mr T Cyclonic Experience. Sponge Bob watched from the wings. A smouldering midget pile of PallMall 100s testified to the strain that the Purple One had been under. Don't Fear The Päcer (with insincere apologies to the Blue Oyster Cult) All our splits have come Here but now they're gone, Barking Ducks don't fear the pacer Nor do the wind, the sun and the rain, We can run where they are Come on baby, don't fear the pacer Baby take my hand, don't fear the...

Get in, sit down and shut up. A long time back, many dog-years ago in 1997, we rolled out the the UltraWhining Checklist [Golden Showers Beta Version]. But...a whole new crop of contendahs have sprung up, and institutional memory fades. The role of the Internet has radically shifted the Dialog Paradigms ®™. It's now YouR Website-R-U. So here, a somewhat updated Klassic for your delectation. And if you are easily offended, read thru to the bottom and get your money's worth. Ultra-Whining Checklist 3.0 I attribute my DNF(s) to the following reasons: (if there are additional causes, use the back of this form) Ia. Early Years My formative years were dramatically warped by the following: 1) I was dropped on my head as a child. 2) My past life as Cleopatra was miserable. 3) Demons were a regular part of home life. 4) I was allergic to beets. 5) I was tragically misunderstood. 6) My invisible playmates always abandoned me. Good. Now we are getting somewhere. ...

Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all so wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop! [insert craven shit-eating grin here] First, I want to thank Gawd®™. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see what kind of buckles He hands out!!! Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day! My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion Chinese, now there's a combo!!! Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10 places. Volunteers. I love you. Every one of you. Especially the ones that ...

Facts, damnable facts. Peter: It's always good hearing from you! Seeing that we're all real busy these days, I'll make this short and to the point.  [for those just dropping in, here's my original 2001 post that enraged Peter Bakwin ] 1] I stand by my observations.  2] Sharp-focus commentary is not "picking on you"; it's part of the "balls to wall" experience.  3] If I am living a dull and creativity-challenged life, let me know. I'll be at Highline 50 next week, Mile 44. [But, time's a wasting! Back to the main show...]  4] I don't dispute your reasons for pre-announcing your intentions. What was fascinating how you two did it. The terms "enabled" and "enabling" come to mind; along with "safari hunting with a brass-band".  5] Unsupported. Unsupported. Unsupported. Big noises about that. Now it's easy to say otherwise.  Whether or not Tweit, Hoff, LaCava or anybody else had support is beside the po...

I love this talk about John Muir Trail and "record fever". There's such a rancid desperate air about it. But it's Spring, and it's with us again.  Blake Wood did a masterful job. The account is low-key, insightful, accurate and bullshit free.  Bruce Hoff did his turn several years ago. Again, low-key, honest, funny and sobering.  Last year Buzzy & Peter treated us to a brass-band fanfare prior to the Great Unsupported JMT Record-Breaking Event. We were directed to the appropriate press flackery, which Was All True, of course.  The air was thick with attitude about it all, Cali trails being wimpy and all, and how Two Colorado Dewds were gonna show ever'body a thing or two about trail running. Unsupported. This was canon law.  The Mountain Gods stirred from their torpors. Pulverized mule turds set the tone, and the howling started there. Four days of no sleep and robotic humping thru what...Gawd's Epic Back Yard. They might as well have run along the si...