Sunday, April 20, 2003

Joshua Tree VisionKwest 3.2

JT 3.2
Joshua Tree VisionKwest 3.2
.69 CEUs

PRE-REQUISITE: Basic Knowledge of VisionKwest Study Materials.
ESSENTIAL READING LIST: Shakira, Heidi Klum, Saul Alinsky, Maxim.
FACULTY: C Bingo & D Poker

Become as One with the Indifferent Vastness of the Sonoran/Colorado Desert Interface as you accompany Professors Casino Bingo & Draw Poker on a select scenic running tour of the Joshua Tree Nat Park.

Seminar begins at Boy Scout Trail and ends up at Split Rock. Landmarks encountered along the way include but are not limited to Cap Rock, Geology Tour Road, chubby boy Scout Leaders, sweating German tourists, Pine City, Queen Mine, corpulent RV drivers, Dildo's Cave, and sweating poodles running in circles around parking lots.

Runner expected to provide own pickle-brine and chorizo.

1 mtg: Sat Mar 22, 0700.

=======SECTION CLOSED=======

My hands shook as I read the course description. Where was mention of awards, prize money, permits and short-course PRs???? I hadn't been this nervous since I had trained for the Wifebeater 50k Challenge several years ago. I ached as if I had awoken in a Phillipine motel room on a bed of ice, and both of my kidneys were missing.

I tried reaching Professors Bingo & Poker, but couldn't get through. Somewhere far away a rabbit sneered at my naivete. Oh well, that French word described my state, hoisted on my canard again. I rushed out to Joshua Tree in the pre-dawn hours hoping to find an opening in the seminar.

The rosy-fingered rose over the wine-dork Salton Sea as I pulled up to the parking lot in a spray of gravel. Bingo and Poker in their distinctive garb were making their way out of the campground, deftly side-stepping ground-hugging vapor-pillows [QUADDE, 92, TORRENCE, 99] left by LadderButt Barking Ducks.

The Boy Scout trail began its unpermitted rise up through various canyons and slopes. The morning was quiet save for my earnest questions which got the full attention they deserved from Bingo & Poker. I had brought my LED-ZOSO to field-test looking for Houses of
the Holy.

At Keys West we were met by the enigmatic and hospitable Dr B. She relayed a colo-rectal harangue by a Boy Scout Leader regarding 12" cat holes and Having To Hold It If You Are In The Rocks. The lads hopped from one foot to the other in grim anticipation. Bottles were filled and we were off.

Bingo and Poker set a fierce pace. I could barely stub out my Kool 100s fast enough as they turned S towards Lost Horse. The sun had hoisted itself higher in the sky. My stingy-brim pork-pie was proving inadequate to the sun, although the temps were only in the high 70s
at this point.

The magnetic oracle was consulted and she said "140" which I remembered from my bootleg Skeleton Key CD as 69 x 2 + 2. Whoooooooaaaaaa.

JUNIPER FLATS: 16 MORE OR LESS

We arrived at Juniper Flats in a record-setting pace. The rubber was melting off the backs of our shoes as we sunk wankel-deep into the asphalt.

Dr B was joined by the alert and snappy-reparteed MP, the mutual better halves to Drs Bingo and Poker. They efficiently extracted Bingo and Poker from their repose with tasers and spatulas. We shoved off to make a detour at the sun-blasted NPS Hospitality Suite at Ryan Campground. Dr Bingo went to check on "Cable service". He returned momentarily, seemingly satisfied. We we were off to climb around the south flank of the indifferent Ryan Mt.

As we summitted the plateau overlooking the Geology Tour Rd in the far distance, the sun began to bore into our fragile eggshell minds. We paused to investigate on-site geologic performance art installations that might appeal to jaded exercise-bulimic Manhattan performance artists. Call were made on my cell phone.

The terrain gently sloped out northwards at the Geology Tour Rd Crossing. At this Juncture, Bingo and Poker decided in favor of Sensory Overload by turning north and avoiding the sword, and made for the Pine City/Queen Mine junction instead of being Mileage Grinders on the scenic declining Trail of Tears to White Tank.

WE ARE THE CHIMPANZEES...OF THE WHIRL'D

Air-conditioned cars whipped past us as we did high-knees, butt-kickers and intervals up to The Queen Mine. The miles ran by.

Now we were in the heart of the Queen Valley. We became as stony template pilots jigging and jagging thru the descent and then ascent thru the abandoned Queen Mine. We were able to admire the handiwork of cyanide leach mining on trees down canyon from the site, and reverence the continuing foresight of our Senate in maintaining the 1872 Mining Act.

Further switchbacks led us past what is truly Dildo's Cave. It was true after all. But there was not time left for you, babe...our bootheels had to be wandering in the desert tonight. We summitted the Pass and were rewarded with a view that would have done Catherine Zeta Jones good and proper.

From there it was about 1200' drop in a mile or so, a top end fuel eliminator fer sure!

The ladies Dr B & MP met us in the parking lot. We were treated to cold Cokes, and watched poodles racing in circles in the lot--eager to run off and elope with coyotes. But this is a tale best told another day.
--
Yr Humboldt idiom Savant
Terrazo B Silex
Cultural Proctologist, Media Phrenologist

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