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Showing posts from June 8, 2014

2014 Giants In The Shadows

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Everything you’ve read about this race* is true. Now its up to me to provide lies and embellishments.

Baz Hawley kept us waiting around prior to yelling “FUCK OFF” to start the race. In time-honoured fashion he regaled us with details about his latest medical procedures, presumably his Acute Mangina. He's retired more times than Cher, but nevermind. The assembled multitudes were busy busting out selfies, whiling away the boxcar waiting and nervous walking typical of these events.

The moment the race started, all the real talent ran away. Guys: this means you’re not taking enough time doing What Needs To Be Done. Ladies: this is where the fun starts—Barry White and Suntan Oil.

We all know where it goes from here. I did what I do best: boring the living shit out of runners unlucky enough who didn’t get out while the going was good. Utilizing most of my date-expired inventory from the Ultra Spank-Bank, the course was littered with bodies over the next 6:42 I was out there. When I arri…