Ultra Oscar Acceptance Speech

Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all so wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop!

[insert craven shit-eating grin here]

First, I want to thank Gawd®™. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see what kind of buckles He hands out!!!

Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day! My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion
Chinese, now there's a combo!!!

Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10 places.

Volunteers. I love you. Every one of you. Especially the ones that listened to me screaming and cursing because I forgot to put something in my drop bag. And especially the ones who lanced all my blisters.

A big shout-out to the nurse who checked my hemorrhoids and verified they were still external. Let's talk after the ceremony.

Then I'd like to thank the hottie who let me "follow too closely" for at least 20 miles. Thank you for lettin' me be "Mice Elf", Again. [Get it???] The part about being married, nah...did I mention anything about the other girlfriend? Damn!

Well, now that I've got this Fabulous 22lb nickle-encrusted Flying Gerbil Trophy...I'll treasure it *always*. Every time I'll look at it and think "that was *me* barfing my way past you losers!!!

[SFX: WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

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