Lo-Achiever's Half-A-50k Dog Jog & Charity Run

Lo-Achiever's Half-A-50k Dog Jog & Charity Run
Sun Jan 25 071354

We milled at the start at Fabled Chantry Flats. The air was well-hung with the ghostly echoes of Barking Ducks. Hal "Clark Kent" Chiasson watched us from the safety of his car, and expressed relief he wasn't coming. After signing some forms, he maintained a straight face while backing away slowly.

The Holistic Ocarina sounded a plaintive note. We were off--a three-way struggle for Massive World Domination. Mr Trail Safety, Dr Casino Bingo and the cryptically tagged Micah "218 Koi" White were raging up the blacktop towards the Upper Winter Creek Trail, leaving naught but molten tar and .38 Special tunes in their wake.

The Massive World Domination [MWD] contest was off, and waddling. Each playah claimed a special disability.

"I've only run 10 miles this week" "My Knee is still fucked up--but I want to keep my streak alive" "I've been watching STYX informercials"

Things were looking dim in the Eyelids of the Morning. Each eyed the other. In the merciless Darwinian Jungle, the Brown Eye never sleeps easily. They were on record-setting unsupported pace.

At the Mt Wilson Trail Option for Upper Winter Creek, the Tough Choice was deferred for a Trip to Mt Zion. The pack breathed easier knowing that they didnt have to step on their dicks going up to Manzanita Ridge...this time. We could take a power stroll up. And over. Mt Zion survived yet another blasphemic pass by apostate JoggerzWhirled escapees.

The Ghost of Randy Rhodes was in trees of Sturtevant Canyon, where the fabled Sturtevant Canyon Bears, wearing beer-hats, wifebeaters and Swisher Sweets, stood up and sneeringly waggled their genitalia at the tightly clustered lead pelleton. This was the same fate seen
by millions in the Bored Of The Shwings Trilogy, where Dildo and SpamWise traversed the Forests of Porn, after they got separated from the Prince Karamel Korn and the ill-tempered sex-dwarf Gimply. Its on the DVD.

They passed through the Sturtevant Kamp and offered the Ritual Salute to Chris the Kasten {How's your dad? My Lawn is Fine!"] then began our Misty Mountain Hop up to Newcomb's, whence we were Back In the Saddle Again.

Having gained the summit, we were swathed in Kashmir, and we rejoiced in our bitchin' selves. In mere seconds, our Bootheels Had to Be Wandering, and we began the Pall Mall plunge to the Finish.

218 Koi had begun to plot his moves, counting on a Power Surge at the finish to bury both Trail Safety and Bingo. They were on to his mackin' and popped him cold-chillin' with Air Supply references. He snarfed drink mix out of his nose, and was fined for littering the trail with his diminishing expectorations.

Meantime Trail Safety was laid low by a well-placed reference to Boston, where he was reminded that it was More Than A Feeling. He countered by a lo-blo to Bingo that Courtney Cox was not anywhere near as hot that other brunette chick in the Old School "Charlie's Angels". Cheap Trick was the undeployed Terror Weapon.

The three front-runners thundered down the mountain towards the finish, they encountered shoals of day-hikers making their way up the fish ladders to Sturtevant Falls. These day hikers would then head home and mate after reaching the falls [cf:PERKINS, MARLON, 1971].

The final bump-up to Chantry had an enchanting aspect, but nothing like it is in it's August prime, where the debilitating scourge of mild weather and perky-nippling breezes are but distant memories....

MATCH THE RUNNER TO THEIR TIME AND WIN SPECIAL PRIZES

COLUMN A
Mr Trail Safety
Dr Casino Bingo
Micah "218 Koi" White

COLUMN B
3:42
3:44
3:42

Times up. You're wrong. Sorry!

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