Lies, Damnable Lies


Lies, Damnable Lies


A sultry whisper in my ear. “Finishing a marathon is like pie…warm Apple Pie…” It was Denise Richards. I began to sweat. I looked at my wristband.

 WWSD. What Would Satan Do? I was stuck for an answer. I smelled brimstone. A deep laugh boiled up beneath me.

 “Silly wabbit…Carboplex! Carboplex!…Remember last summer at band camp!”

 Dark laughter fading away. It takes a brain to laugh and a train to cry.

 A sound like a gunshot. The relentless Music-Box Dancer replay of “Chariots of Fire” Swirling issues of JoggerzWhirld blinded me. Recipes for low-fat smoothies and better 10k splits blighted my vision! I was trapped in a crowd of 50,000 gerbils wearing bibs and ChampionChips! I fell down. I was being trampled! Denise Richards was laughing at my incompetence… again! I tried to get up and she faded away in the crowd that swirled around her, as I woke up with a jolt.

 I was not running the XX LA Marathon. Praise Gawd.

 I lit a Kool 100 to settle my frazzled nerves, put on my fuzzy house-slippers, and proceeded to get ready. Because its high time we went. A 26 mile trail training run. Rocky trails. Deep ruts. Mud so colorful that when your shoe landed in it it looked like it barfed up a burrito. Up and down. And if your sense of time is elastic—a three hour cruise; at least for half the way.

 The first mile was all high knees. Then I did at least 2 miles of butt-kickers.

 I was running this as a benefit for the Rev Tom Krüll, and his Little Chapel of Propwash in Dallas, Texas. Tom has been a Youth Pastor at the Retreat For Wayward Cheerleaders for many years.

 I was racing to meet a challenge grant from D&L Holistic Industries. Part of the Challenge was that I have to meet the reclusive Co-Chairman “D” at his Fortress of Biscuit-Joinery sometime in 2011. He would have a check for the amount stuck to his forehead, and I would have to match it. It is high-steaks financing, with fries to go. I was a little too tall coulda used a few pounds. I was also dressed in a chubby-child’s Batman costume.

 The good news was that I was in the lead, far ahead of the pack. Doesn’t hurt to stack the deck either. Ask Mr Diebold; who counts the votes makes a difference.

 All of Gawd’s Magnificence was on full display. I could see the White Massif of Mt Bäldy in the faraway distance. I was unable to see if the vice-prone Bighorns were gamboling with their captive sex-slave Sierra Club members. Maybe later.

 I heard mariachis. I was an Army of Juan. Just when I couldn’t take it anymore, Avril Lavigne, the Once and Future Cher, fixed her doleful coon-eyed self and began to serenade me. It was so complicated.

 I finished like two trains running. It was only 6:30 by my watch. Not bad for an old-school finish in a brass diving helmet. The shoes were something else. All I could hear inside the suit was the phantom echoes of Barking Ducks. I now rest on my laurels and contemplate the next stage of my ultra career.

Bone Regardez,
Mr Trail Safety

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tarahumarans And Ultras

Image
This seems apropos somehow The Tarahumaran/Raramuri runners of northern Mexico have an exalted ultra reputation. Their legendary running skills have cyclically transfixed ultras here in the USA going back to the early nineties. Coming out of deep, remote canyons in Chihuahua, the optics were magnetic. What gets lost in the media pixie dust is that they are desperately poor, sustaining themselves in a harsh landscape, and beset by loggers, narcos, and an indifferent ruling class and government. Starvation is a constant threat, now exacerbated by global warming climate change. Here it comes: “Born To Run” McDougall’s “Born To Run” book is often cited as a primary source on the Raramuri. Last time it was mentioned by an aggrieved SJW who was newly woke on ultras, I nearly shot coffee out my nose. Wikipedia can be like that. But McDougall’s done well with it, bullshitting TED talks in Davos etc. I get it, writing doesn’t pay much, and Davos can be fun.  Rewind! The Raramuri h...
Read more

If Carhartt Made Wedding Dresses…

Image
"La Paloma de Alba" This lovely two-piece bib overall mermaid gown has delicate, feminine details throughout. From the hand-beaded, antique-finish nickel hardware brooch detail on the sweetheart bodice, to the cascading rose at the hip, it is a gorgeous dress for the modern bride. Field-Tested, multiple tool and utility pockets. Faux-braided ribbon closure at back; breakaway honeymoon closure on side. Made of 11.75-ounce, 100% denim cotton, with triple-stitched main seams, satin-polyester facings and taffeta trim material. Also available in Nomex®™. Shown in Sandstone. Available in Moss, Dark Green and Enhanced Black.
Read more

I Didn't Conquer Kilimanjaro

Image
THE SUMMIT I didn't conquer Kilimanjaro. I paid attention, cooperated with the mountain in optimal conditions. Made the summit on Mar 10 2024; and more importantly, made it back down safely on my own steam. This was a pilgrimage for my late wife Leslie Sowle, who'd done it in Dec 2003. When I reunited with her in Jan 2022, I repeated my admiration for her accomplishment. She looked at me and said "its just a long walk. You could do it" Leslie in red parka. Kilimanjaro, 2003. Photographer unknown. At the time I demurred, because Kili was irrelevant in the face of her oncoming death. I began thinking about it in September 2023. If not now, then when?  I started training with her very good 2003 Arcteryx RT25 pack at home in Ventura County, CA. I made no mention of it on the socials. Bad juju. I'd booked the longest trip possible [11 days Northern Lemosho Route] with Simon Mtuy's Summit Expeditions to get as much altitude conditioning possible. A shorter trip [5-...
Read more