In response to rising concern about the Safety Factor In Ultras®™,
Mr Trail Safety is happy to announce the creation of Kare-Bear Ultras.
Is this Evolution or Kreationism? Ponder that warm fuzzy thought while we happily spool thru the following features:
THE RACE COURSES:
* HO-Scaled 50k, 50Mile, 100k and 100-mile courses.
This HO scale is not what tourists go to Bangkok or Vegas for,
but we'll make adjustments *just* for you. Because you are *special*
THE COURSES WILL ALL BE:
* Gently Rolling
* Carpeted in PGA Spec-Compliant Turf
* Tree Shaded by Genuine Virgin Old Growth Brazilian Mahogany
* Moonlit as Necessary
* Marked with Glow Sticks and Really Kute Animated Animated Trolls that
grunt and point.
THE AID STATIONS WILL STOCK:
* Oversize Milkshakes in vanilla only
* Yummy Mommy-safe Power Pudding
* Tip-proof 80oz Sippie-Kups
* NoFat Irradiated Devilled Eggs
* Free-Range Not-too-Spicy KimChee
* Reclining Ergonomic Wide-Butt Lay-Zee-Boy Doubble-Wide Recliners
* Keepsake gingham pillows to nappy-nap on
THE VOLUNTEERS ARE:
* Certified Past-Life Regression Cat Therapists
* Sincere Concerned Trained Valet Parking Scratch-Free Experts
* Highly Trained Bladder Fillers and Emptiers
* Cordon-Bleu Sous-Chefs at every other Aid Station
* Svelte Doe-Eyed Eco-Femmes From the exotic Bang Slap Prang Archipelago
for all you UltraDewds out there
THE WEATHER WILL BE:
* Exempt from laws of Gawd®, Man, State & Local Ordinance & Kustom
* Pretty Much the Way You Want It
YOUR EXPERIENCE WILL BE:
* Adventure, or Adventure Lite
* Your Soundtrack will be available on CD exactly when you finish, FREEEEEEEE!
* You innermost dialogues with whichever Gawd You Choose
will be recorded on Hi-8 video
YOUR AWARDS WILL BE
* The best gol-danged awards any ultra-boy or -girl could ever hope for!
YOUR ENTRY FEES WILL BE:
* Comped by kind-hearted elderly philanthropists in a distant city.
They made their fortunes in Land Mines and Nerve Gas. Now they're having
Second Thoughts as Death approaches, and need a really good tax write-off.
Wishing all of you the best in responsibility-free Adventure-Lite ultrarunning,
Mr Trail Safety