|Egregious and desperate measures commonplace here at the Hellmouth 100|
Hellmouth 100-Mile Endurance Fun Run and Dog JogFor the Third Straight Year, since 1998 of the Last Century, the Hellmouth 100 is here for our benefit alone. But U-2-Can-Join-The-Hellmouth-100 Family. At the hip [NTB], if necessary. Here it is!
The race starts at 12:00pm sharp, Aug Sept 19 2000 from the fabulous BoehnerDome Mojado County Fairgrounds, 10001 E Milspec Thruway, Hellmouth CA
Picking your first 100 is a big decision. You will find out many things. For instance: You might discover that legal representation before, during and after the event may be necessary. But let's not dwell on that right yet.
Many races are touted as a good "first time". So are the sisters of a lot of really scary guys. The humididty of Vermont, the poison oak at Western, the potentials for building a great rock collection at Wasatch, the nose-shattering aridity at Leadville, and the blighted trees at Arkansas all make heavy competition.
Not even the prospect of a nearly vertical climb up Mt Wilson in the middle of the night, where a vomiting episode will not only leave it on your head, but it will also fall into tomorrow [an unexplained time/altitude continuum shift] can begin to compare.
Folks, the race for you 100-mile virgins is here. This is really for you, and you alone. None of your friends will be here.
THE RACE COURSE:
The race starts in the modern day, and ends where "time began, a long while back®"
This scenic and amazing run travels a circular point-to-point. Starting at the Fabulous BoehnerDome at the Mojado Co Fairgrounds, it travels for 12-1/2 miles southbound on the shoulder of the scenic Hellmouth Fwy (I-666) [from the Hooterville Offramp past the Naval Night Bombing Range]. Mind the heat-seeking anti-personell gerbils.
Then it courses upwards through the scenic and geologically dynamic Chorizo Altiplano in the Dorkolithic Range, inside the 950million-acre Coprylite National Monument. It travels through several unique geologic features, including the Psuedo-Sudanese Pied-Monté Hall uplands, to the more verdant Pro-Bono [Sunni] Arboreal Inclines. From there the runners thread their way through the moribund conglomerates of the Stoeff-Topp strata to the more flamboyantly textured Lugosi-Samosa outcroppings.
After a grueling ascent and transit through the Upper Cazzo Gelato Glacier, the front-runnners will be greeting the rosy-fingered dawn over the wine-dark sea [a Homeric reference, misleading but what the hell!] as they confront the challenges of navigating the old historic Kaopectatum Trail across the flatter portions of the Chorizo Altiplano. The course is marked frequently by the day-glow spray-painted course-markings [historic dessicated camel-corpses]. You will be skirting the edge of the Milli-Vanilli Methane Dome. Open flames are not advised at this time.
The race course draws to a merciful close at the headwaters of the of the Essbeedee Lake Chain which lies in the shadow of Goezinteit Peak. There will be an awards ceremony at the Fuzzy Weasel Recumbent Recreation Area & RV Park. Plentiful parking, mind the meters and marmots. Meters are competitively priced 20min per quarter. Change available from Race Mgmt or in Hellmouth, 65mi away.
Though the trail passes through several distinct microclimes, it has the family resemblance of a litter of pups from different mommies and daddies, with the same last name, as if it was picked out of a phone book.
There will be at least 13 aid stations
- offering fried eggs
- 10-40 SAE motor-oil
- Lo-fat Pall Mall straights
- de-fizzed reclaimed water
- date-expired Shasta blueberry soda
- Civil War hard-tack,
PACERSYou can pick up pacers only at the 66.666 mile point, at the foot of the famed and historic Upper Cazzo Gelato Glacier. Abandoned runners at this point will be auctioned off if not claimed within 20min of race cut-off [1220pm,Sun]. Last year we placed over a dozen abandoned runners to good homes and jobs in brickyards and carpet-factories in overseas locations.
CUT-OFFSStrictly enforced in a laissez-faire kinda way, dude. Stragglers will be shot, or whatever.
OTHER HELLMOUTH 100 FACTS
- The course is YMMV®-certified 101.69 mi.
- The race starts at the beginning.
- The Big celebrity send-off is from the fabulous BoehnerDome Mojado County Fairgrounds, 10001 E Milspec Thruway, Hellmouth CA. See your favorite soap-opera stars and unindicted public figures! Bring your autograph books! Wear adequate eye protection.
- Search-N-Rescue is being handled by the Average White Person's Militia, George Lincoln Rockwell Chapter.
- Andorra does not have an air-force, nor does Mongolia have any submarines.
- Ask for our special Kult Group Rates, teams now forming.
- Entry Fees: $99.95*
RULESWe started writing them down to keep down the whining. But in CyberSpace no one can hear you whine anyway.
- Ski Poles are allowed only after the first 200 Yards.
- Pacers are allowed only after the first 66.666 miles.
- Farm animals in the runner's entourage are exempt from the above.
- "Personal Rhythmic Self-Actualization Devices" shall meet OSHA specs. They are governed by the same Length x Width x Ht formula for carry-on luggage.
- No French Ticklers
- No unauthorized 8-tracks of Bobby Goldsboro, unless sanctioned by Race Mgmt
- No unauthorized fabrications of Little Funny Animals out of PowerBars.
- Special shopping cart and rollaway bed divisions.
- Extra rules and regulations are kept in the Tool Crib at the Fairgrounds, and can be deployed at a moment's notice.
- Age Group
- Weight Divisions [lbs and kg]
- Palanquin & Sedan Chair
- Best Reptile Costume*
NEW FOR 2000!!!***BEST SHOPPING-KART***
SPONSORSWeaselJizz TriState Distributors, Joachim's Kim Chee Huts 1 & 2, Banger's Comedy Swamp, Yasser's Home-Style Kosher Pork Burritos, Hellmouth Hilton and Landfill Vista [race HQ]
MEDIAFull length documentary being filmed for ESBT [the Failure Channel] for later broadcast. Also carried live on our very own KGFY 86AM.
LEGAL FINE PRINT
- Girls with High-Beams get in free. Add'l benefits available for a small renumeration to the RD, call 1-800-BIG-TIME for information.
- Awards courtesy of the Hellmouth 'Gypsumaires' Rockhounds.
- Post-Race Caramelized Hockey-puck BBQ hosted by the Dorkolithic Range S&R. Legal representation courtesy of Bucky Kibble III of Pogey, and Maroon, Admiralty Law In Extremis.
- And if you die on the course we get all your lame gear.
Bone regards, Mr Trail Safety. RD
Of course this is copyrighted. © 1998, 2000. So there.