Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

¡Feliz Ramadan! Hello Everybody! Its that time again--Christmas Newsletter Time. I started the year with a short trip to the Congo, where I was able to extract secret compounds that aid in musical terminal-pain management. This will have great application in elevators and malls all across our great country. I also gained secrets and insights, accompanied by the rumbling of drums, from sage elders who passed on their wisdom by flickering firelight: Buy low, sell high. Word. When I got back to the Good Old USA, I was on hand to give wise advice and counsel to troubled souls as part of my community service requirements following the railroading I got in the 9th District Court. You don't remember? I was sued by militant vegans for my black-powder hunting expedition where I killed the last of the Giant Free-Range Tofurkeys. All that are left now are the tiny ones, who lead a short, pathetic life haunted by mortal fear, but I digress. My community service involved helping...

Cougars are a fact of life here in Southern California. As the pressures of urbanization increase on the foothill and mountain communities, human interactions with mountain lions are bound to increase, often with unpredictable results. Recently there have been several highly-publicized encounters between the cougar and humans. Some have been fatal for humans. Mountain bikers, runners, and casual hikers are becoming more aware of the cougar's presence in the mountains. The following talk was delivered at the Quarterly Proceedings of Anthropomorphic Zoology, Spring 2004, by Erasmus Binkster. The symposium was held in the Ayn Rand Asbestosterium, located on the Pyroclastic Community College campus, Puta Vista CA. ===== Southern California Wildlife: Year of the Cat "Hello...Hello...I think my PowerPoint Presentation is having a few problems [tapping sounds]...while we're waiting for the AV techs to work this one out, let's get started...oh! there it is! In Farsi and Punjab...

Dr Casino Bingo reads a map in a rising whispering wind. VisionKwest 4.0: "Passion of the Sliced " Joshua Tree National Park 3/27/04 31 miles LEFT-OVERTURE The Fourth Annual VisionKwest Invitational was held this past Saturday, Mar 27 at Joshua Tree. This annual 31 mile run across the rugged, stony landscape of the unique environment had many rewards and surprises for all the participants. The VisionKwest appeared as simultaneous revelation to the two unindicted co-originators, Casino Bingo and Draw Poker in 1999. The then-upcoming Millenium was stimuli to deep thinking on the subject. After consulting sacred texts [Morrison:1967, Page & Plant:1971], and channelling bardic entities, the VisionKwest was born. The course has had many starts, and several finishes, usually a dusty matte. The main route has always involved The California Riding and Hiking Trail. Play your cards right, and there will never be enough shade. There is no freely occurring water on the course. The r...

A satiric comment on the current body-part scandal at UCLA. Grab A Cadaver [with no apologies to the Steve Miller Band] I heat up, I can't cool down You got me chopping 'round and 'round 'round and 'round, and 'round it goes At UCLA, with these donated bones Every time I get the call, I pack my bag, I'm roaming the halls Bodies donated--to science and more, There's green to be had--deep in the gore! Grab a Cadaver I wanna reach out and slab ya Slab-a Grab a Cadaver Grab a Cadaver I drive on campus, a monkey paw Sack of tools, a power saw Dead people wait to feel my love I get a grip with a rubber glove. Grab a Cadaver I wanna reach out and slab ya Slab-a Grab a Cadaver Grab a Cadaver I start work, I make a mess I hate working under duress Muscle and tendon, gristle and bone Get paid by the piece by working alone There's magic and romance in those eyes Each one of them goin--to different guys What the hell! the heart is blue Buy the whole set and the ...

Dearest Phillip S: On the subject of manners and mannerisms I will endeavour to elucidate the answer least appropriate to the strictures of time, space and convention. The Valley Forge trail is not popular with mountain bikers, which limits recreational tipping opportunities for the trail runner. There is something inherently satisfying about the sound of the wind in the trees, birds and squirrels having running feuds, and the fading shrieks of a mountain-biker going over the side of a trail after they've tried to run you down. It's times like these when I feel very close to Nature. How much does one tip mountain bikers? 15%, 20%? Or does one try to tip them all? The percentages refer to the leading-edge velocity [analogous to a helo-rotor] of a Powerbar, rattan cane, or 15" Braunschweiger sausage at the maximum hitting point. Top speeds vary from 125mp to 600mph. Therefore even 15% of either of these speeds striking a witless MTB'er will cause a trajectory dislocation...

A Seasonal Prelude to Probable Magnificence DATELINE: LOS ANGELES 2004 While 22,000 Road Gerbils were getting their multi-figured money's worth out of the XIX Bill Burkathon here in the Great Satan By The Sea, I was a wee scampering Karma Squirrel skittering over the bosky flanks of Mt Wilson Phillips. Alone. Nearly naked. Cougar bait. And nary a Barking Duck [Torrence, Bingo, 1999] in sight. I have raised my sights to being a Sunday ultra-trail pest this summer. Not that I'm interesting in running ultras, but tagging along as a whoopie-cushion while others are training strikes me as worthy. It's like watching a slo-mo circus train wreck, where clowns are ejected from overturned box-cars, only with dorky hats and hairy butts. But I get ahead of myself. The weather had shifted from winter to spring in a few short days. Last week's chill and damp had given way to festive tendrils of happily buzzing flies, outriders to the hordes that will rise up and greet the rosy-finger...

Random cryptic image irrelevant to training runs Sun Jan 25 07 1354  We milled at the start at Fabled Chantry Flats. The air was well-hung with the ghostly echoes of Barking Ducks.  Hal "Clark Kent" Chiasson watched us from the safety of his car, and expressed relief he wasn't coming. After signing some forms, he maintained a straight face while backing away slowly.   The Holistic Ocarina sounded a plaintive note. We were off--a three-way struggle for Massive World Domination. Mr Trail Safety, Dr Casino Bingo and the cryptically tagged Micah "218 Koi" White were raging up the blacktop towards the Upper Winter Creek Trail, leaving naught but molten tar and .38 Special tunes in their wake.  The Massive World Domination [MWD] contest was off, and waddling. Each playah claimed a special disability.  "I've only run 10 miles this week"  "My Knee is still fucked up--but I want to keep my streak alive"  "I've been watching STYX informerc...

Here's looking at you, kid. Christmas 2003 I got a double-fistful of Cuban cigars from my aunt. It was the most amazingly 'out of left field' gift that season! What a hoot! That alone was worth it. So now I'm thinking..."today's a slow day, New Year's Eve is tomorrow...what would it be like?" I haven't smoked anything in 24 years. Last week I'd followed a guy smoking a joint on the street. But that was it. Erring on the side of caution, I saw off an inch from the tip of one of these beauties [fake or real Cohibas, they have a very sweet aroma], and put it in a pipe. I'm sitting out on the balcony, and light up. Blue smoke! euphoria! This is great! I'm in love! This eternal state lasts 15 minutes. Then I feel my chest constrict. My head is lightened considerably. I sink backwards. I feel an ominous rumbling in my lower depths. I stand up with effort. I am off-plumb by 10 degrees. Stumbling in to the can, I drop trou and unstead...

Saddam is in the bag. The insurrection continues with no let up. The Bush Administration is deluded in this process. Iraqis hated Saddam. And now that he’s gone, they hate the Americans more. This is not what Bush & Co had in mind, and it certainly riles Paul Bremer, the erstwhile caretaker. All this was not “supposed to happen” Why? Leadership is undergoing rapid evolutionary change. For the first time in thirty years Iraqis have decentralized decision-making opportunities. Sunni, Shia, nationalist, Baathist—everybody is on the move. People are making direct decisions without oversight, or approval from a distant centralized source. Motive and weaponry intersect neatly in a wide-open gun-culture that would make the NRA proud. Some will be caught and killed, no doubt for their own good, if the Coalition is to be believed. Along the way they are sharpening their game. The knowledge-base will increase. Coalition appointees like Chalabi have been sidelined, and they are uneasy. They ...

New Menace From Above Yesterday, a new aerial menace was unleashed above the Los Angeles basin--I took my first flying lesson. This was a birthday gift--a Three Hour Tour; 1 hr of ground and 2 hrs in the air. We were going up in the single-engine Cessna 172 high-wing 4-seater, N107AF. And that's what came back. I am not making this up--Mary Pat rode along and saw the white knuckles of Dover herself. My flight instructor was a genial steely-nerved nice-guy named Lewis. First I got a clue at the dials I was going to be making friends with. Then we went over basic aeronautical theory, Bernoulli Effect and so forth. That effect sometimes requires a bag, but not today. It was clear and calm. Then we went outside and did the entire methodical preflight; wagging the ailerons and rudder, optically testing the fuel for clarity [he declined my offer to hold a zippo up to it], checked the tires, removed the cotter pin from the yoke, and so forth. Oh yeah, also disconnected the tie-downs from...

Misty Mountain Double-Donger: Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition   DATELINE: SEPT 14, 2003 ICE HOUSE CANYON, CA   "Morning had broken, like it does for infidels" as once was sung by Cat "Jihaadi" Stevens hung in the air like a cheap coat. This uplifting canticle set the tone for the Late Season Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition. The mandate of the expedition was clear: to seek out and destroy new worlds of understanding in the rugged and vertically-challenged peaks above the Ontario Mills Mall and Jail-Bait Recreation Zone.  The Crack Team was assembled in the gathering light: Dr Casino Bingo, Mr Trail Safety, and "Micah White" [not his real name]. It was to be a lightning strike, an unsupported scientific enquiry into the lives of the secretive and reclusive San Gabriel Barking Duck.  The Expedition would insert at Ice House Canyon, make a rapid upward foray up the [Roy] Chapman [Andrews] Trail to Ice House Saddle. Pausing ...

JT 3.2 Joshua Tree VisionKwest 3.2 .69 CEUs PRE-REQUISITE: Basic Knowledge of VisionKwest Study Materials. ESSENTIAL READING LIST: Shakira, Heidi Klum, Saul Alinsky, Maxim. FACULTY: C Bingo & D Poker Become as One with the Indifferent Vastness of the Sonoran/Colorado Desert Interface as you accompany Professors Casino Bingo & Draw Poker on a select scenic running tour of the Joshua Tree Nat Park. Seminar begins at Boy Scout Trail and ends up at Split Rock. Landmarks encountered along the way include but are not limited to Cap Rock, Geology Tour Road, chubby boy Scout Leaders, sweating German tourists, Pine City, Queen Mine, corpulent RV drivers, Dildo's Cave, and sweating poodles running in circles around parking lots. Runner expected to provide own pickle-brine and chorizo. 1 mtg: Sat Mar 22, 0700. =======SECTION CLOSED======= My hands shook as I read the course description. Where was mention of awards, prize money, permits and short-course PRs???? I hadn't been this n...

Lies, Damnable Lies A sultry whisper in my ear. “Finishing a marathon is like pie…warm Apple Pie…” It was Denise Richards. I began to sweat. I looked at my wristband. WWSD. What Would Satan Do? I was stuck for an answer. I smelled brimstone. A deep laugh boiled up beneath me. “Silly wabbit…Carboplex! Carboplex!…Remember last summer at band camp!” Dark laughter fading away. It takes a brain to laugh and a train to cry. A sound like a gunshot. The relentless Music-Box Dancer replay of “Chariots of Fire” Swirling issues of JoggerzWhirld blinded me. Recipes for low-fat smoothies and better 10k splits blighted my vision! I was trapped in a crowd of 50,000 gerbils wearing bibs and ChampionChips! I fell down. I was being trampled! Denise Richards was laughing at my incompetence… again! I tried to get up and she faded away in the crowd that swirled around her, as I woke up with a jolt. I was not running the XX LA Marathon . Praise Gawd. I lit a Kool 100 to settle my frazzled n...

My Half-Assed Culo Gordo The Homage to the epic Culo Gordo 50k was run yesterday in the Santa Monica Mountains. It followed the canonical route as laid down in the last century by the renowned "brujo-dybbuk" Devi Reinstein. I was late to the start due to an early morning drop off at LAX. I supposed if I hadn't flipped off the security goons and waved the gun I might have gotten there earlier. But I wanted the front-runners to have a fair chance. The morning was clear and sharp--nippleaciously perky in fact. The rain clouds of the night before had gone on to other locales. As I blundered up the trails out of Will Rogers State Park I wondered "Where's Meg Ryan when you need her? What's a tranquil Sunday morning without a loud cell-phone?" At the Backbone/Sullivan Cyn trail jct I could feel the heat of the front-runners. Their subtle imprints in the dirt led down into the canyon. I followed the yawns and butt-flares of the bobcat and cougar. At the bottom ...

Another Sunday-School Ultra Run 25 Miles up the old Mt Wilson Trail Sun Nov 17 2002, 0702 start Simultaneous finish [listed randomly] 6:43 John Doe #1/Andy Roth 6:43 John Doe #2/Jay Grobeson 6:43 John Doe #3/Mike "the Serb" Dimkich 6:43 John Doe #4/Mr Trail Safety [Dan Stumpus joined us for part of the event, but was restrained by hamstring problems from the Full Measure]. The route followed the following circuit: Old Mt Wilson Trail out of Sierra Madre--> Manzanita Ridge--> Mt Wilson-Phillips--> Sturtevant--> Chantry Flats--> Upper Winter Creek--> Manzanita Ridge--> Old Mt Wilson Trail back down to Sierra Madre. We were there to celebrate the repoening of the Forest. Chantry remains closed and will probably be more closed than open in the months to come due to construction, weather, and the inscrutable motives of the Sierra Madre Police Dept. Enough of that! This no aid/fee/whining/bullshit run was a Record Setting Unsupported Benefit for Lit...

Taking it to the Lord in prayer. Badwater: Final Prelude to Baldy Peaks 50k Tue, 30 Jul 2002 09:24:12 -0700   To all the Badwater Finishers out there...congratulations! What you now need is a cool, relaxing taper run to get the kinks out. And we've got that for you--in spades. And for those of you who didn't do Badwater, it's good for you too! Compare the Baldy Experience®™ to the Badwater Experience 50k vs 122/135 miles! More Trails...Less asphalt! Sanguine Big-horns smoking cigarettes vs circling buzzards! A cool 85 degrees vs 123 degrees! No need to push a shopping cart or pull a rickshaw! Aid Stations! 12Hr cutoff vs 60Hr cutoff! Baldy Peaks 50k inspires finishers to say "Damn! I'll never do *that* race again".  And yet they come back, some say like gerbils to cocaine, others like swallows to Capistrano. Go ahead, dare to be Special!

The following item was part of a recent Trail Workshop recently held on Mt Wilson-Phillips here in Satanic SoCal. The garroulous keener know as Ray Manzrek was channeled in order to provide background noise. "Betty Davis Eyes" provided by Kim Carnes. The featured vocalist was Barney, washed up and recently rehabbed ex-child star. He was accompanied by the Gary Coleman Sackbutt Chorus, with ocarina solo by Richard Clayderman. Mr Barney took center stage at the Kylie Minogue Dinner Theater Amphitheatre at the Mr T Cyclonic Experience. Sponge Bob watched from the wings. A smouldering midget pile of PallMall 100s testified to the strain that the Purple One had been under. Don't Fear The Päcer (with insincere apologies to the Blue Oyster Cult) All our splits have come Here but now they're gone, Barking Ducks don't fear the pacer Nor do the wind, the sun and the rain, We can run where they are Come on baby, don't fear the pacer Baby take my hand, don't fear the...

Get in, sit down and shut up. A long time back, many dog-years ago in 1997, we rolled out the the UltraWhining Checklist [Golden Showers Beta Version]. But...a whole new crop of contendahs have sprung up, and institutional memory fades. The role of the Internet has radically shifted the Dialog Paradigms ®™. It's now YouR Website-R-U. So here, a somewhat updated Klassic for your delectation. And if you are easily offended, read thru to the bottom and get your money's worth. Ultra-Whining Checklist 3.0 I attribute my DNF(s) to the following reasons: (if there are additional causes, use the back of this form) Ia. Early Years My formative years were dramatically warped by the following: 1) I was dropped on my head as a child. 2) My past life as Cleopatra was miserable. 3) Demons were a regular part of home life. 4) I was allergic to beets. 5) I was tragically misunderstood. 6) My invisible playmates always abandoned me. Good. Now we are getting somewhere. ...

Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all so wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop! [insert craven shit-eating grin here] First, I want to thank Gawd®™. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see what kind of buckles He hands out!!! Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day! My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion Chinese, now there's a combo!!! Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10 places. Volunteers. I love you. Every one of you. Especially the ones that ...

Old spirits to the New Year. A legacy presentation from the Mr Trail Safety KunstSchriftArkiv. This originally appeared in The Journal of CryptoAethnology, Winter 1999.   Part 1 The snow lay in a crisp white blanket on the ground. The trees were shrouded in ice rime and crystals. One's breath hung in the air in silver wreaths. The outlines of the trees were like silhouettes cut by a happy child with way too much time on it's hands with a dull razor. It was so quiet you could hear a bird fart. And smell it too. But all this was far far away from our hirsute Forest Prince. Where he was living, the semi-tropical air wafted in through the glass louvers, bringing in the warm damp vapors of the great outdoors and carrying with it outside remembrance of his morning pot of coffee and chili. He stood in the kitchen, with his distinctively shaggy short squatty legs sticking out of a pair of oversize canvas shorts, his rotund gut spilling over the top of his "69" belt buckle he...