Mr Trail Safety Speaks!

Desdemona and Terrazzo break it down for you again, reliving texts you wished you hadn't sent, as found on "Texts From Last Night". Recorded at Hellmouth PolySci, in Hellmouth CA.

Meet Desdemona and Terrazzo. Thanks to the fun-loving folks at xtranormal.com , these upstanding generic cartoon characters will now explain Mysteries of Ultrarunning to you in ways you didn't imagine. Or tell you "So, You Want to Be A Lawyer". Yawn. "Chariots of Fire" it ain't. Momma told you not to come anyway. Here, have some salt.

Terrazzo and Desdemona relive the agony and ecstasy of running 100 miles at the Angeles Crest 100-Mile Endurance Race.

Terrazzo and Desdemona take you through race day at the legendary Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run.

Desdemona and Terrazzo reminisce about the Wasatch Front 100-Mile.

Stairway To The Leadville 100 The famed Leadville Trail 100 Trail Race is lovingly described by your hosts Desdemona and Terrazzo.

Desdemona and Terrazzo are featured in a dramatic reading of "A Poem For Spring", wherein a dewy maiden proclaims her troth to the virile and enigmatic Forest Prince.

An office romance explores the differences between men's and women's notions of sexuality.

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Geoff Roes in the final 100 yards of his record-setting 15hr 07min Western States 100 win. Finish line at Western States 100, Auburn, CA. June 26 2010. Today I'm going to slit the throat of some sacred cows. First out of the box was this on-line hilarity: "When your runs aren't fun anymore", which cited the following: running not fun tired legs discomfort Oh my. If I'd quit when "running wasn't fun" I'd never get past the 50-yard line. On a downhill course. Meet our constant companion, homeostasis . Briefly, it means "The ability or tendency of an organism or cell to maintain internal equilibrium by adjusting its physiological processes." In plain language: never moving off your comfort zone. Common example: people hovering in a Costco parking lot trying to get the spot closest to the door. It usually involves a lot of ass-time. You're going to have to step out in order to move up. This past weekend I was on a run 20% l...

A real runner, not me, a long time ago. Smøüldering Midget X commenced under a brightening gray-light with a breathtaking roster of talent. The event sponsors were pleased at the massive turnout which would maximize viral marketing efforts for D&L Holistic Industries' " Trail Porn Light ", Offshore Vacuum Party Gmbh, Hannah Montana Man-Bras, and "Sturdy, the Feral Mule" Outdoor Leadership, LLC. In the end, this event would yield a surprising new development to the traditional " Thing 1/Thing 2 Kontest fur World Domination®™ ". Since Ian Torrence was a no-show, I moved up a full 3 places. Full deets below the jump. THE PERSONALITIES MISS MIWOK In a category all her own, she'd expressed pre-event speculation that as a rapidly-aging, over-the-hill mother of a young daughter, would be slow, etc. In a rare lucid moment, I didn't bet her on the outcome, and so did not forfeit the pink-slip to my car, house, speedboat and ATV. She also ...

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Nostalgia Ain't What It Used To Be Getting back in shape hurts. I was haunted by what I knew what I used to do. I'm not trying to recover my youth—I needed to recover a new definition of fitness, and decided that I had to start pushing it again. I lucked out. There's a gym in the office park I work in. I can ride my bike 10-1/2miles from home, into a shower. What a luxury! Looking around the gym, I noticed weight machines, and the hook: a free physical assessment. The verdict confirmed the anecdotal: I'd put on 20lbs over my prime fighting weight, my arms were Gumbyesque, torso and core strength was kinda sad, and my Hannah Montana man-bra was getting snug. What to do now, middle-aged man-child? I had the nice fitness pro cook up a program to build strength and fitness. She did, and two days later, I was shown the exercises. Soon my arms burned, my torso screamed, and I was pushing out sweat beads the size of buckshot. I hurt. A Further Definition of a Boombastic Lifest...

Abdullah is opening the charcoal bag, while Mr Trail Safety watches, photo by Richard Gassan. “I forgot the cooking pot” We silently considered our situation. Camped out overlooking the epic Jebel Shams Gorge in the Omani Hajar al Ghalb, we were up a very long dirt road from the last village. We pondered the options. Pasta was out, now we were looking at a rapidly fermenting bread, dates, some hard cheese, and maybe some other goodies. The loaf was sliced, I had some of the hard cheese, while Richard smeared honey on his slice. We’d make it. The wind was cool and steady, and deathly cold by Omani standards. Looking around, there was a family camped several hundred yard away, a merry fire blazing in the draw. Behind us was a dome tent, and a RAV-4. We began to hear male voices joking in Arabic. We both began to wonder if they were going to spend the night drinking and breaking shit, but it was too early to tell. “May I ask you men a favor?” We looked up to see one of our Omani neighbors...

Get a grip, and give yourself a hand! August 18, 2009 The Boy Scouts Of America National Council voted this week to retroactively issue 50,000,000 Onanism Merit Badges to all surviving Boy Scouts who had been members from 1910 through 2008. The vote passed 69-12, as the council members squinted through thick glasses and raised hirsute hands. Reaction at the announcement was swift. Social conservatives were enraged, with Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity decrying the move as "weakening the moral fabric", and "a stain on the nation's honor". Ann Coulter flippantly suggested that the Boy Scouts were "Taliban Butt-boys", while Sarah Palin suggested that the Boy Scouts had "given in to terrorists". Lou Dobbs intoned that his sources definitively pinpointed the origins to southern Mexico, in any era. Rush Limbaugh was conspicuously silent, having never been in the Boy Scouts. Liberals took a different tack, suggesting in large part ...

I am now a sponsored runner for Team Land-O-Lard . I'll be making mall appearances here in Southern California, ready to ignore your questions and giving enigmatic training suggestions. Have your credit cards at the ready, or at least your PINs. Mahalo for being you, have a nice day!

Trail Porn®™ Can Label. Courtesy of D&L Industries 1995 People have asked me "how did you train back in the day, and keep your strength up?" The secret ingredient: Trail Porn . And now, for the first time, the ingredients are visible for all. Load Up Like A Peasant, Light Up Like A King™ TrailPorn®™ has been America's Number One Favorite free-range pre-race loading and unloading dietary supplement for as long as we've been making it. Now the same great taste and chewy mouth-feel is here in the new, modern TrailPorn Lite®™ . This nutritionious, savory, and versatile product is a virtual-reality accompaniment to every part of your culinary experience, from pickled cabbage to vanilla ice cream. Look for the single-serving tetra-packs! Preparation: Serve either hot or cold, as a first course or canape supplement or appetizer. Stove top, micro-wave or tail-pipe friendly.Some settling may occur as this product was packed at full-volume while you wait. Hey now! Ingredie...

This post deals with training issues, gear issues, and comes from a guy who doesn't run that much anymore. So, now's a really good time to delete, because I'm going to ask some pointed questions about a lot of things. There has been a lot of soul-searching and what-ifs, along with 'whistling past the graveyard' post-Western States 100 on the business of near-fatalities caused by dehydration, and spectacular blister pyrotechnics. I did WS in 93, and spent a good 90min plus at Michigan Bluff. On the way up, I had a pounding in my kidneys, my ears were ringing, my quads had locked up, and people were passing me as fast as they could, completely ignoring my doubled-over ass. I was dehydrating, in deep shit. I got past it, but it added a good 3hrs to my race... AND IT DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. Why? Because that day I rolled out with a rehydration scenario I hadn't trained with. I didn't know it cold. OVERTURE I remember a Facebook post made, or at least answere...

Jim O'Brien setting the course record in 1989. This iconic photo was taken by Stan Wagon, then editor of UltraRunning Magazine. We once asked Jim O'Brien if he'd ever bonked on an Angeles Crest training run. He said "on every section". GEAR FETISHES The current gear-item to have right now is a bladder-pack. Originally designed by and for guys-n-gals who were running long distances in very hot places like Arizona, Utah and so on, where there was no water for big miles. Look at what Jim is carrying. Nothing except for 2 small bottles. Doesn't that tell you something? He's a racer, not a freight-hauler. [Just a thought for all the racers out there humping along in their multi-pounded vests with the petri-dish bladders...] Training is one thing. Race day is another. People get used to carrying all that stuff. I remember Jimmy saying on each stage "carry only what you need". I know that on my first AC, my fannypack was 20lb of junk—and I wasn't c...

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