August 18, 2009.
The Boy Scouts Of America National Council voted this week to retroactively issue 50,000,000 Onanism Merit Badges to all surviving Boy Scouts who had been members from 1910 through 2008. The vote passed 69-12, as the council members squinted through thick glasses and raised hirsute hands.
Reaction at the announcement was swift. Social conservatives were enraged, with Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity decrying the move as "weakening the moral fabric", and "a stain on the nation's honor". Ann Coulter flippantly suggested that the Boy Scouts were "Taliban Butt-boys", while Sarah Palin suggested that the Boy Scouts had "given in to terrorists". Lou Dobbs intoned that his sources definitively pinpointed the origins to southern Mexico, in any era. Rush Limbaugh was conspicuously silent, having never been in the Boy Scouts.
Liberals took a different tack, suggesting in large part "get over it", according to Bill Maher. Rachel Maddow read the news and kept a straight face with difficulty, adding that poison ivy was a greater hazard to most scouts.
A delegation of mortally-offended Eagle Scouts marched on the National Council Headquarters to throw their Eagles, along with several Stars on the steps. The protest was somewhat leavened by prankish Tenderfoots and Second Class scouts who brought up the rear making arm-pit farts, generally treating the occasion as an excuse for practical jokes.
The badges are being mailed out this week, with a considerable assist from the Genealogical Services Bureau of the Church Of Latter Day Saints, who were able to locate many of the deceased scouts. LensCrafters and Rogaine helped the Boy Scouts with logistical support as primary corporate sponsors.