Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Springtime for Dipshits!




























Apple refutes persistent claims that the new iPhones only work for hot vegan betties who hold them level like bonsai trays and coo into them while driving Mini-Coopers.
3 hours ago
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Mel Gibson holds solitary prayer vigil as Polanski's lawyers lose 11th-hour Swiss asylum bid for Lindsay Lohan.
16 hours ago
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Lindsay Lohan goes to jail! Officials scramble on capping and top-kill strategies. Meanwhile, Larry King, Droning Predator, dreams of taking to the skies again.
Yesterday at 6:39am
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I offer my considerable expertise as a Certified Entropy Coach to help you miss your true potential, so you may squander your worth, and enter the next bardo completely at a loss. Pre-paid plans only, operators standing by.
July 17 at 1:08pm
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Anthem-Blue Cross reportedly studying current North Korean medical practices to enhance profit delivery.
July 16 at 10:59am
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Weekend Movie Preview: "Sorcerer's Apprentice" [Disney, 2010] Nic Cage fights a shadowy international conspiracy that tries to undo a bungling apprentice's efforts to keep Monica Bellucci's dress on. PG13, 2hrs.
July 15 at 7:54pm
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Bristol & Levi: The Dream Continues®™. Sarah keeps the brand fresh with the "Wedding Episode", where Mel "Rose Garden" Gibson reads from 1st Corinthians, then introduces himself to the bridesmaids.
July 15 at 9:05am
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NEWSMAKERZ!: Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston engaged, will remain abstinent for the next several news cycles; Dick Cheney gets a new pump and air-to-air refueling boom.
July 14 at 3:52pm
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As I rode my bike in LA traffic yesterday afternoon, cars used their horns to blow me air-kisses. I reciprocated by "cropdusting".
July 14 at 8:46am
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Your favorite Mel Gibson Quotes [non-movie only, please!] Discuss!
July 12 at 7:53pm
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Organic white corn chips are virtuous. Unsalted is rubbing it in.
July 12 at 8:50am
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Disney rolls out their new game show, "Who's F*cking Goofy?" First celebutard guests: Lindsay Lohan and LeBron James. Other letters of the alphabet will be represented soon.
July 10 at 12:30pm
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With LeBron James' departure to Miami, Zanesville's chances suddenly brightened.
July 9 at 9:03am
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SPY DRAMA UPDATE: Russia will exchange 11 physicists for Anna Chapman and the 5 NY suspects, including LeBron James. The Kremlin declined Lindsay Lohan. The swap will take place at Checkpoint Yakov Smirnoff in Branson, MO.
July 8 at 8:40am
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Anna Chapman typed her last message to her Muscovite spy handlers. Stifling a sob—she would never frolic in Monaco with Princes William and Harry. Jack Bauer gripped his joystick and stared hard at the intercept: FML/FTW/LOL.
July 7 at 8:39am
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The drizzle had stopped. Lindsay Lohan was due to make a court appearance. Jack Bauer gripped his joystick with fierce determination as the Predator drone took off. Would the vaunted BioMetric HottieTrak Imaging Software work as promised by the contractor? The clock was ticking...
July 6 at 7:18pm
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NEWS NOTES: Texas Ag Officials note upswing of vegan vampire teens leaving bite marks on squash and zucchinis; LA braces for 2nd hour of "Drizzle Watch 2010!" as thousands of luxury cars and SUVs are unable to leave their garages.
July 6 at 9:03am
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Brain-dead audiences agree that 1D plot-lines look better in 3D, especially with $40 popcorn glistening with toothsome culinary lubricant.
July 3 at 6:40am
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For July 4th fireworks, I'm staying home...in my neighborhood its Mexico v. Armenia for ordnance detonation.
July 2 at 5:51am
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Opening at the Hazmat Octoplex near you: "The Last Airbender" (2010). ••• Beans, Fried Eggs, Kim Chee, Chili. Flang (Boa Rinker) discovers he is the lone Avatar with the power to manipulate all four elements…
July 1 at 1:57pm
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In a world gone mad... the only thing that strikes fear into the "Twilight" franchise comes out of the past ..."Scent of a Woman"
July 1 at 11:26am
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The African Gray Parrot has a brain the size of a shelled walnut. Humans have brains the size of melons. The difference is that the African Gray's brain is fully utilized, and is a consciousness that has no need or use for polyester, nuclear weapons, off-shore drilling or multi-level marketing.
June 24 at 9:16am
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What was "It Pays To Increase Your Word Power" is now urbandictionary.com.
"I Am Joe's Brain" would implode.
June 23 at 1:41pm
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Right now, I'm channelling Mojo Nixon: "I'm only kidding/Can't you tell?/I love his sensitive music Idiot poetry, swell..."
June 23 at 8:58am
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This week on Animal Planet: "Judgmental Ben" disses other bears that wander into stupid human swimming pools, dumpster dive, eat chubby poodles, getting tranked in the process. Hosted by Paula Abdul.
June 22 at 9:17pm
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Tonight on Discovery: "Dental Ben". America's favorite flossing grizzly shares tips on how to Cub Scout fragments from behind molars.
June 21 at 3:45pm
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Health-Club 101: You can't outrun a fart on a treadmill.
June 21 at 1:39pm
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Hollywood is crippled by sequels...but somehow I don't think that "The Postman", "Ishtar" and "Schindler's List" are being versioned out.
June 20 at 7:36pm
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This Father's Day, my Billions of Unborn®™ tried to call me. My rotary phone was off the hook.
June 20 at 2:04pm
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The Painter of Light, "wet reckless and deuced", this time in Pantone 502...

This Week in Crazy: This Week in Crazy: Thomas Kinkade
www.salon.com
His pastel dream world has become a lurid place of failed sobriety tests, bankruptcy and Winnie the Pooh abuse. Articles about This Week in Crazy
June 19 at 11:18am
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Monday's Laker victory parade will reportedly feature The Massed Burning Shopping Kart Drill Teamz, bringing up the rear, yo.
June 19 at 7:12am
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Having just seen the trailer for SATC2, I find myself imagining "what would Miranda and Samantha do?" Nevermind Jacaranda and Anaconda.
June 18 at 8:54am
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Gunshots, M-80s, now car horns. Lakers musta won, and shit.
June 17 at 9:20pm
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Damn, if the Lakers lost tonight, a buncha dude in my office are gonna be real, real sad campers tomorrow. Like having to honor their $1 bets by writing "Lakers suck!" on them.
June 17 at 8:33pm
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I was watching my office today implode under the weight of Lakermania and World Cup. Delicious.
June 17 at 7:51pm
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BP tell the truth? Act honestly? HAH! The last time these bastards, along with the other Oil CEO asshats appeared before the Senate, they couldn't be bothered with swearing to tell the truth. And none of those spineless bought-n-paid-for poodles made them. Over $4.4B in profits for 2009 cuts a lotta ties.
June 16 at 9:23pm
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Pat Robertson mysteriously silent as to whether Satan made a pact with BP. All parties are not returning calls.
June 16 at 4:15pm
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‎"Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 3.0". Hijinks and hilarity ensue when the pants are worn by the Olsen Twins, both at the same time!
June 16 at 11:20am
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Somewhere in Hollywood, a movie based on the comic-strip "Cathy" is waiting to be born in a suburban multiplex. This may yet save Jennifer Anniston's career.
June 14 at 7:27pm
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I'm not even half-done with Tony Hayward, BP's CEO. In addition to all cleanup costs and damages [and not fought in court ala Exxon, btw]; he needs to drink a glass of water, with a light crude sheen, every day, for the rest of his life.
June 14 at 12:44pm
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Today, Orly Taitz is trying to find her Kenyan flag.
June 14 at 7:07am
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Hipsters unsettled by arrival of a transit-mix oatmeal truck at street-fair. Only 10 cubic feet were sold that day.
June 13 at 3:14pm
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To all the knuckleheads who were screaming for smaller government are now pissed off that Obama isn't kicking BP's ass hard enough. Face up! The government you wanted is really corporate serfdom. Now whatcha gonna do about it?
June 10 at 9:01pm
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‎"I'm from BP, & I'm here to help!"
June 10 at 7:06am
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‎"Fat Boy Rebooted 2.0" Jonah Hill and Seth Rogin battle for total Vegas domination as they race cross-country on lawn tractors. Michael Cera and Jason Schwartzman costar, with some hawt chix. Directed by Judd Apatow.
June 8 at 7:50pm
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I guess the answer was "no..."

Woman killed by lightning in mountaintop proposal | World news | guardian.co.uk
www.guardian.co.uk
A man's plan to propose to his girlfriend on a mountain in the US ended in tragedy when the pair were struck by lightning, it was reported today.
June 8 at 6:22pm
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Little Walter's "Hate To See You Go" is a menacing boxing workout; sharp combinations of drums, guitar, harmonica and haunted vocals at a relentless pace.
June 7 at 8:17pm
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"...honey, is it supposed to be this soft?" Whoops! That was "Animal House". Wonder if Mrs Rush 4.0 read and signed the pre-nup.••• h/t Angela O. for the matrimony alert!

Limbaugh to wed as Hollywood flirts with his life story - Yahoo! News
news.yahoo.com
Will the fourth time be the charm for Rush Limbaugh?
June 4 at 8:20pm
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Potential BP lobbyists resist idea of swimming 1/2 mile thru oil-slicked waters as employment pre-requisite; citing unsafe workplace environment and preferential hiring practices that favor mutant Norway rats.
June 3 at 8:10pm
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Oil-stained lobbyists and accompanying tar-balls wash up on Capitol Hill. They appear to be in good condition, and have quickly adapted to their new environment.
June 3 at 6:54am
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Since Juneteenth is around the corner, let's all stop and chew on this nugget.

Texas: Texas textbooks and the truth about the Confederacy
www.salon.com
Texas is right: We should teach kids about Jefferson Davis and the Confederacy. But let's tell the whole story
June 1 at 8:46pm
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BP spokesbots as yet unaware of the massive bullshit plume and sea-mount building under their very feet. CEO Tony Hayward is bummed, "wants his life back"; will get signed sympathy card from 50,000 dead turtles and dolphins.
June 1 at 6:54pm
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Here's the real news...the BP blowout will be a corporate win. They'll buy the Congress they want [thanks, SCOTUS!], hide profits, claim losses, whine like little bitches for tax-breaks, and Obama gets all the blame for failure.
May 29 at 5:46pm
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