Showing posts from January, 2013

LA: Eastside, Westside, and Who Gives A Shit?

"Which Way LA?" of KCRW in Santa Monica took time out from their busy audio-wallpaper environs to pose a Burning Question: Which is more LA? Eastside or Westside? 
Since this is either deadly serious, or a frolicsome ratings stunt, people are gonna get hurt. Think of it as two fat, naked, bald men, slippery with salad oil, fighting over comb. 

Already somebody's feeling left out. The Valley, for instance. Better luck next time. 
So here are the original questions, with my M-80 answers attached.
1] Which is better, the Westside or the Eastside? Why? Eastside. I sojourned in the People's Republic of Santa Monica, summer of 86. Smug levels were already building. I lived for 28 yrs in the Melrose/Fairfax. Seven yrs ago I moved to the western slope of the Silver Lake Alps. 
 2] What is the boundary that separates the Westside from the Eastside? Do you cross those boundaries? What are you willing to drive across town for? 405 = far westside boundary, with WLA drafting in its wake.…

Ragnar is Another Way of Spelling Poser Douche

Is "Ragnar" another way of spelling "Poser Douche"?Hell Fuck Yeah! Of course it is! We've all heard about the Tough Mudders, Spartan Series, Warrior Dash etc. Then there are Ragnars.

What are Ragnars? They're crowded, expensive relay events of multiple participants of short duration [20 miles] over longish distances [100 +  miles], that will grind you down to bare-metal with lots of driving and waiting. Kurt Vonnegut described this kind of thing as a "granfalloon". Go ahead, look it up.

There was an NYT article recently about how Wall Street assholes really loved this kind of bullshit as a way to vent cube-rage in their constipated, competitive Type-A looter lives. Maybe boxing got too real, and their sparring partners were failing at pulling punches for their clients. Whatever.

Enter a classic Corporate Anal Intruder... Salomon! Yes, The UTMB Helicopters Flying Around Mont Blanc Salomon. Go ahead, they need your money.

But back to "Warrior Dash&…

Buried Alive In An Avalanche: Trainer-Wheel Version

In Feb '89 I took an avalanche-workshop/training class with Dave Beck, up at Meiss Meadows south of Tahoe near Luther Pass, somewhere around 8,000'. We spent 3 days digging snow pits, snow analysis, XC skiing, etc. Looking at snow structure in a variety of scenarios. There's a world of wonder there.
I also found out what its like to have an avalanche dog look for you. We went out in front of the cabin, six feet of snow. I dug a 4' hole. Volunteers? Me. I jumped in, wild-splayed, miming a probable avalanche-induced off-balance throw.
The class backfilled the hole, and tromped out the fill and surrounding area. We waited 20min. I was covered, and it was dim. I realized my irises were flaring because it got light/dark/light dark. Everything was dim.

Then Dave let Guinness, his search German Shepherd loose out of the cabin. I could hear her bark, get closer, circle, range out, get close, then she was bugging. Her loud-ass barking was muffled through the snow, which had set…

Ultras You've Never Heard Of

Hello, fun-hogs!
As we all know, Americans don't likes to pronounce names that require any additional effort outside the HFCS Food Groups. So, in recent conversations with Dr Casino Bingo, we decided to fix that problem.
Of course there are shakedown "feeder" races, so runners can "pre-qualify", before they dominate and/or crush the respective courses.

The Körnhole 100 is based on the classic Kornhole 69 Hr Track Run. 
This rugged finisher's buckle is crafted from select off-cuts of All-American CX 3/4" plywood. Hand-tooled by D&L Holistic Industries' doe-eyed eco-femmes, in the offshore tax-havens of the Bang Slap Archipelago. 
INCOMPLETE RACE INFO:Height Categories:Dwarf, Average, and Too Damn TallWeight: Anorexic, Uneasy-About-It, Love Handles & Roll-Overs, and Truck-Scale Worthy.Length: Guys, I suspect that this category will be most rife with obfuscations, hedgings, and outright cheating. Applicants/claimants will argue [invariably] th…

No Brains, No Headaches!

Hello, another New Year! Yes, a whole stack of wishful thinking nuggets are all ready to be flung outwards into the Universe, which is indifferent to your plight.

Bunches of you out there in UltraLandia are wondering "How the fuck am I ever going to be faster/better/more awesomesaucely than I am already?"

Good question, get out your credit card. But first, a word from one of our sponsors.
!guanaTrdzEnergy Bars.New energy bars consisting entirely of lizard-made, holistically harvested, sustainable, from contented Fijian iguanas in their natural free-range habitat. Each bar contains 10g of protein and 50g of fiber. Recommended by experts world-wide in the treatment of Irritable Vowel Syndrome. PETA-approved. Proud sponsor of the URFKT100, and other fine events. No animals were harmed or their 401ks looted in the making of this product. Have a nice day!Is this mike on? Seriously—you're just not going to get faster.

I can see a lot of Sad-Bear Faces out there on this news. I…