Wednesday, January 30, 2013

LA: Eastside, Westside, and Who Gives A Shit?


"Which Way LA?" of KCRW in Santa Monica took time out from their busy audio-wallpaper environs to pose a Burning Question: Which is more LA? Eastside or Westside? 

Since this is either deadly serious, or a frolicsome ratings stunt, people are gonna get hurt. Think of it as two fat, naked, bald men, slippery with salad oil, fighting over comb. 

Already somebody's feeling left out. The Valley, for instance. Better luck next time. 

So here are the original questions, with my M-80 answers attached.

1] Which is better, the Westside or the Eastside? Why?
Eastside. I sojourned in the People's Republic of Santa Monica, summer of 86. Smug levels were already building. I lived for 28 yrs in the Melrose/Fairfax. Seven yrs ago I moved to the western slope of the Silver Lake Alps. 

 2] What is the boundary that separates the Westside from the Eastside? 
Do you cross those boundaries? What are you willing to drive across town for?
  • 405 = far westside boundary, with WLA drafting in its wake.Then there's the in-betweenies of BevHills and WeHo, which pretend Hollywood doesn't exist. 
  • Vermont Ave = eastern frontier of Hollywood
  • 110 = Eastern frontier of Echo Park.
I'll drive to the Far Westside only for opportunistic neccesity. 

The Real Eastside is Boyle Hts, Lincoln Hts, and so on. But all the foo-foo posers like to pretend they're Eastside, when in reality they're nice suburban kids from somewhere else, and they all shop at Anthropologie, UO, and drink the same ghastly silage smoothies while smoking American Spirits and getting hammered on shit PBR.

3] Which side of the city enhances LA's image more? Which side is more "LA" and why?
Eastside. People have less money over here, so they have to make it up. Then the Westsiders come in to buy it, and take it home.

Santa Monica is so not LA. So they can go pound sand. 

4] Fill in the blank: You know you're on the Eastside when_____________
 …you cross Vermont, and signs are in Spanish, Armenian, Thai and Filipino in the same block. And Westsiders are busy blocking traffic staring at their iPhones trying to like, figure out where they *are*.

5] Fill in the blank: You know you're on the Westside when_____________
 ...you cross the 405, and everything gets shiny bland. When Lululemon becomes the look for the girls, compared to the studied frumpiness of hipster betties over here. When tats on the guys go from Ed Hardy knockoffs to faux-tribal. And you'll get run over by a dork in a Range Rover.

Damn. I feel better already. I'll bet Jason Bentley is cueing up his Chris Douridas 12" Coachella remixes right now. 

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