|!guanaTrdz—the Go-to Paleo Treat!|
Hello, another New Year! Yes, a whole stack of wishful thinking nuggets are all ready to be flung outwards into the Universe, which is indifferent to your plight.
Bunches of you out there in UltraLandia are wondering "How the fuck am I ever going to be faster/better/more awesomesaucely than I am already?"
Good question, get out your credit card. But first, a word from one of our sponsors.
!guanaTrdz Energy Bars. New energy bars consisting entirely of lizard-made, holistically harvested, sustainable, from contented Fijian iguanas in their natural free-range habitat. Each bar contains 10g of protein and 50g of fiber. Recommended by experts world-wide in the treatment of Irritable Vowel Syndrome. PETA-approved. Proud sponsor of the URFKT100, and other fine events. No animals were harmed or their 401ks looted in the making of this product. Have a nice day!Is this mike on? Seriously—you're just not going to get faster.
I can see a lot of Sad-Bear Faces out there on this news. Its not what you paid big dollah for at this weekend de-motivational seminar held a at the Hellmouth Hilton, when you could be out on the trail somewhere, taking Instagram pix of yourself getting molested by surly bighorns.
Let me funnel you into my weekend looter-workshop seminar, the "SKT Ribbon-Chasers" which is a DJ set of mix-taped, hi-priced running, New Age bullshit, and Tantric Boning all in one convenient package.
- Where else are you going get first-hand information on just how much money you're going to drop on all the right wardrobe before you even set foot out in the dirt?
- Where else are all your insecurities are going to be ruthlessly exploited?
- Where else are you going to realize that your gadgets are hopelessly passé?
- Who else is going to provide you with the necessary Spirit Animals, Vague Native American aphorisms and Facebook-ready profile images so you may Initiate This Quest?
Of course D&L Holistic Industries, along with Offshore Vacuum Party Ltd Gmbh specify that SKTRC would only provide the "creative matrix" for aforementioned "Tantric Networking", in a home-sourced, nose-to-tail presentation. You know you want it. Dig deep and bring it on!