Divine Madness and Then Some


Aug 1 97

Exhumed dispatches from the long-lost summer of 1997 

Boulder, Colorado, just now digging out from the bungled Ramsey murder case now has the "Divine Madness' running club in the public eye.

We have a Cult That Claims Not To Be A Cult; complete with the charismatic "leader" and his late night lectures, monitored eating habits, a heavy tithing program, and oooooooh boy, the kicker: *Sexual Selection*.

That's right folks, Mr Tizer has caught the attention of the press because in addition to piling capricious ultra workout mileage on his club, he's culling out the prize fillies from the herd. Maybe he's also surveying jogbras as well.

But seriously, being a coach is a tough job, and you gotta hand it to him. This scam is every guy's Totally Forbidden Fantasy. I can see some of you protesting vigorously "No! Not Me!! My secret fantasy is finding out more about brown urine and potassium imbalance...!, Blisters!! Orthotics...!!!"

OK. All those who protested, exit left. The rest of you crowd down here in the front around the Viewmaster. Evidently the Sex Angle made less of a splash on the various ultra-lists than UR editor Fred Pilon's assertion that most ultrarunners are "hobbyists....50-60 miles per week." And to think that there have been various threads proclaiming the virtues of Minimal Ultra-Mileage, but I am getting ahead of myself here.

Wait a minute! He wouldn't be getting all this fine, prurient "fille gumbo" if they weren't giving it to him, right? Is there a big sign right up front that says "Ladies, I'll Make You One Hell of An ultrarunner, and by the way, I get to poke you once or twice..." There is no mention of any Assistant Coaches. The NFL would cease to exist on this plan, and would cause incalcuble damage to the American economy.

For those of you who didn't read the article and saw the pictures, Coach Tizer is not a lot to write home about. Of course, they only showed him from the head and shoulders. His bedside manner must be flawless.

By now you are probably thinking "Where's the outrage? indignation?" The truth is I couldn't give a shit. Truly.

"Whoa! whyzzzat, Mr Trail Safety?"

And Mr Trail Safety replies:

"...There are a lot of needy people in the world, who are just dying to be told what to do. And there are a proportional number of people in the world who need to tell these hapless people what to do and how to do it. I would also bet money that there are more than a few women who are ready for this coach because he is direct about what he wants out of them. For a lot of these women *that's* a first. 

And they give it to him (1) (2). 

Mr Tizer is fulfilling this responsibility. It is totally predictable."

"But Mr Trail Safety, That's *Not Very Nice*!"

"That's true, but what the hell! Mr Tizer guarantees an environment that you can do everything except think for yourself."

"Huh...!?"

A final note: In the text there was mention of Tizer changing the mileages on the long distance runs in mid-workout on the theory that "life throws you curves". Currently there are several harassment suits filed against Mr Tizer. There was no comment from him or his counsel on these "curves". I suppose that beats a disgruntled ex sex-femme with a gun. Now that would be a major bummer, dude.

oh yes, those wacky footnotes:
_________________________________________________
(1) See "Story of O", by Pauline Réage.
(2) See "Stockholm Syndrome"

As ever,
Mr Trail Safety
####

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