Friday, April 26, 2013

The Guaranteed Results Race Report

Raymond Chandler needed Scotch to write a dope report.
What's holding you back?


You're stuck with writing a Race Report that will stun even the most clueless at how fucking Awesome You Really Are. Here at D&L Industries, we have vast experience in these matters. So go ahead, jump in, and bust a literary nut. You'll be done before lunch. 

THE STANDARD NARRATIVE STARTS HERE:
  • I arrived at [race]
  • I met [folks]
  • I ate the big pasta dinner at [locale]
  •  I got up the next morning and took a good long [euphemism].
But this is really not all about you. You're running this to raise awareness for*:
  • a Special Cause
  • a disenfranchised group
  • a donations page
  • astro-turfed altruism
  • #orphaned hash-tags
The race began. Things were looking pretty good. 
  • My splits were pretty near the [lotto numbers] I had planned.
  • my iPods weren't in the drop-bags, but I was upbeat
At about mile [tbd] I began to 
  • barf
  • blister
  • heat
  • chill
  • hallucinate
When I got to Aid Station [tbd] things got
  • better
  • worse
  • what the fuck is it to you, anyway?
That is when I decided to 
  • drop
  • go on
  • blame somebody
I gamely did the following:
  • dicked around with my Facebook status
  • hitched a ride
  • cried
  • ignored my pacer's dirty looks
Just before the finish line I:
  • duked it out with an imaginary WS100 legend for the last 100 yds
  • dodged process-servers
  • threw away my walker and IV pole, directly in front of my soon-to-be ex
I crossed the finish line 
  • running
  • walking
  • in the back of an ambulance
  • assisted by my spirit animals
In conclusion the race was
  • wonderful
  • hideous
  • an out-of-somebody-else's body experience
and all the volunteers were 
  • fabulous
  • unindicted war criminals
  • indifferent to my social-media needs
Not quite done yet! You need to mention and/or thank all that apply:
  • deity you're following on Twitter 
  • cult leader
  • uplifting homily
  • aged bromide
  • anime character
  • transformed porn-star
AN EXPERT ADDS:
"Despite my torn achilles and partial kidney failure I managed to..."
  • get the old [lithic manroot] up long enough
  • to [vigorously sport myself]
 with my
  • girlfriend 
  • boyfriend
  • some other dude's ride
  • barnyard animal
  • blow-up doll
Next year I plan on
  • running it again
  • wrapping my legs around a bar stool.
  • being a paid flack so I can blow opinions out my ass
There! You're done! You know who to send the money too. 

*Major h/t to Andrea Quackenbush for suggesting the causes listing.  How the fuck could I forget such awesomesauce-ness?

updated Jan 2014, and shit.


Monday, April 22, 2013

How We Shape Participant Perceptions

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SKT Technologies is a fully-accredited entity. Offshore Vacuum Party Ltd Gmbh is a proud thought-partner in this process. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Generic Ultra Oscar Acceptance Speech


First unleashed Tue, 12 Jun 2001 18:32:07 -0700


Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all *so*
wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop! :)

First, I want to thank Gawd®. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race
Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see
what kind of buckles *He* hands out!!!

Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of
you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I
shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day!
My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion
Chinese, now there's a combo!!!

Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out
there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without
you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of
the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10
places.

Volunteers. I love you. Every one of you. Especially the ones that
listened to me screaming and cursing because I forgot to put
something in my drop bag. And especially the ones who lanced all my
blisters.

A big shout-out to the nurse who checked my hemorrhoids and verified
they were still external. Let's talk after the ceremony.

Then I'd like to thank the hottie who let me "follow too closely" for
at least 20 miles. Thank you for lettin' me be "Mice Elf", Again.
[Get it???]
The part about being married, nah...did I mention anything about the
other girlfriend? Damn!

Well, now that I've got this Fabulous 22lb nickle-encrusted Flying
Gerbil Trophy...I'll treasure it *always*. Every time I'll look at it
and think "that was *me* barfing my way past you losers!!!

[SFX: WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

--
Bone regards,
Mr Trail Safety

"Tanned, rested and ready"