Sunday, April 21, 2013

Generic Ultra Oscar Acceptance Speech


First unleashed Tue, 12 Jun 2001 18:32:07 -0700


Runners, Fellow Listers, thank you, thank you! You are all *so*
wonderful, I don't where to start...or stop! :)

First, I want to thank Gawd®. Nothing Compares 2-U. You are the Race
Director of Life, in the Biggest Ultra Of Them All! I want to see
what kind of buckles *He* hands out!!!

Secondly...I want to thank my training partners. Yes, every one of
you! You know who you are...don't pretend! I know the parts where I
shared with you about my work and tax issues...it's a brand new day!
My new kidney is doing well too...what with ebay and a billion
Chinese, now there's a combo!!!

Third, I'd like to thank all of the really "velocity-challenged" out
there who made me look *really* good. I couldn't have done it without
you. Also all of you who were busy hiding in the bushes because of
the pre-race chili...you have my sympathies. I made up at least 10
places.

Volunteers. I love you. Every one of you. Especially the ones that
listened to me screaming and cursing because I forgot to put
something in my drop bag. And especially the ones who lanced all my
blisters.

A big shout-out to the nurse who checked my hemorrhoids and verified
they were still external. Let's talk after the ceremony.

Then I'd like to thank the hottie who let me "follow too closely" for
at least 20 miles. Thank you for lettin' me be "Mice Elf", Again.
[Get it???]
The part about being married, nah...did I mention anything about the
other girlfriend? Damn!

Well, now that I've got this Fabulous 22lb nickle-encrusted Flying
Gerbil Trophy...I'll treasure it *always*. Every time I'll look at it
and think "that was *me* barfing my way past you losers!!!

[SFX: WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

--
Bone regards,
Mr Trail Safety

"Tanned, rested and ready"

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