Friday, April 26, 2013

The Guaranteed Results Race Report

Raymond Chandler needed Scotch to write a dope report.
What's holding you back?


You're stuck with writing a Race Report that will stun even the most clueless at how fucking Awesome You Really Are. Here at D&L Industries, we have vast experience in these matters. So go ahead, jump in, and bust a literary nut. You'll be done before lunch. 

THE STANDARD NARRATIVE STARTS HERE:
  • I arrived at [race]
  • I met [folks]
  • I ate the big pasta dinner at [locale]
  •  I got up the next morning and took a good long [euphemism].
But this is really not all about you. You're running this to raise awareness for*:
  • a Special Cause
  • a disenfranchised group
  • a donations page
  • astro-turfed altruism
  • #orphaned hash-tags
The race began. Things were looking pretty good. 
  • My splits were pretty near the [lotto numbers] I had planned.
  • my iPods weren't in the drop-bags, but I was upbeat
At about mile [tbd] I began to 
  • barf
  • blister
  • heat
  • chill
  • hallucinate
When I got to Aid Station [tbd] things got
  • better
  • worse
  • what the fuck is it to you, anyway?
That is when I decided to 
  • drop
  • go on
  • blame somebody
I gamely did the following:
  • dicked around with my Facebook status
  • hitched a ride
  • cried
  • ignored my pacer's dirty looks
Just before the finish line I:
  • duked it out with an imaginary WS100 legend for the last 100 yds
  • dodged process-servers
  • threw away my walker and IV pole, directly in front of my soon-to-be ex
I crossed the finish line 
  • running
  • walking
  • in the back of an ambulance
  • assisted by my spirit animals
In conclusion the race was
  • wonderful
  • hideous
  • an out-of-somebody-else's body experience
and all the volunteers were 
  • fabulous
  • unindicted war criminals
  • indifferent to my social-media needs
Not quite done yet! You need to mention and/or thank all that apply:
  • deity you're following on Twitter 
  • cult leader
  • uplifting homily
  • aged bromide
  • anime character
  • transformed porn-star
AN EXPERT ADDS:
"Despite my torn achilles and partial kidney failure I managed to..."
  • get the old [lithic manroot] up long enough
  • to [vigorously sport myself]
 with my
  • girlfriend 
  • boyfriend
  • some other dude's ride
  • barnyard animal
  • blow-up doll
Next year I plan on
  • running it again
  • wrapping my legs around a bar stool.
  • being a paid flack so I can blow opinions out my ass
There! You're done! You know who to send the money too. 

*Major h/t to Andrea Quackenbush for suggesting the causes listing.  How the fuck could I forget such awesomesauce-ness?

updated Jan 2014, and shit.


1 comment:

David said...

Don't forget the pre-race interview where runners are required to say that they will "run their own race" and "listen to their bodies."