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Showing posts from 2007

Secret Transmutation of Elements

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How many times have you wondered how things change from one state to the other? And how many of those times were you a kind and wondered where all that yummy Spam came from?

This is the answer you 've been looking for.
I recently rediscovered this obscure revision of the Periodic Table.
Pork: elemental sign: PO. Atomic number: 50/50,
Relative Atomic Mass: 120.69

Spam:elemental sign: Sp. Atomic number: u81-2,
Relative Atomic Mass: 206.666 (note Satanic fractional number)

Lead: elemental sign: Pb. Atomic number: 82,
Relative Atomic Mass: 207.21For years it had been conjectured that Spam® was in fact the missing-link isotope of pork. Scientists at D&L Industries Research Lab carefully monitored the projected use-path trajectory, considered its original source, and then followed it to its ultimate atomic conclusion—where it literally turned to Lead.

It becomes even more relevant in This Here Holiday Season®™. Especially after the recent LA Times article describing the relationship bet…

The Last Surviving Pep Boy

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Consider the likelihood of the following narrative: A disturbed brother, one of three, who had built a thriving business in the 1920s. The weather business cycles, and become well-to-do. In later years their franchise is set upon by sharp-toothed rivals. They begin to weary of the struggle. But they cannot agree on a direction.

There is a dinner at the local IHORG (International House of Rubber Gaskets) to iron things out. However, two of the brothers have made an alliance against the third. They've always been suspicious of his center part. Besides, he's busy doing the other brother's neglected wives.

Moe gets the bad news as the house specialty, Gaskets Alfredo, is served. The brothers tell Moe that his future is really with the Hupmobile Auto-Victrola Gramaphone business. His help will not be required in the primary auto business. Really.

At a pre-arranged signal from Manny; hairy-armed, burly, no-necked attendants burst into the dining room with nets and lightning spee…

When Beautiful Women Make Bad Choices

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Sunset Junction Street Fair, a Gathering of the Hipsters. A full on heat-fest and scrum within a 10' tall chain-link fence and wildly overpriced water and food for the newly-hungry once the sun went down.

There were an astonishing number of really cute/hot women and yes, my little woodchucks, MILFs galore. In the midst of the swarm were also girls who looked like they stepped straight outta 1979. The hair, the curves, the clothes, the look in the eye, and none of them were older than 23. There's a cosmic mystery to ponder.

Now we are waiting for Morris Day and the Time. Me and 10,000 of my new best friends. Directly in front of us is a swan-necked, alabaster brunette beauty. She has a completely non-generic profile, ringlets, a sensuous mouth. My brain is squirming like the proverbial toad. And she is with a troll who knows that He Is Going To Get Very Lucky, Soon.

I begin to notice that her skin is disfigured with utterly generic tattoos. A skull and crossbones. "Californi…

The Apotheosis of Che

Today is the 40th anniversary of the death of Che Guevara.

Fidel Castro has always preferred dead heroes to living rivals, and Che was no exception. To frame it in American terms, imagine the following:

• Bill Clinton and Al Gore are comrades in arms, or W and Dick Cheney. You decide. In any event...
• Bill and Al have a colossal falling out over the direction of world revolution.
• Al leaves the country with other members of his staff and cabinet. He goes to a desperately poor English-speaking country to foment revolution as an outsider—against ALL the rules that had defined a guerilla struggle. Let's say that country is Belize.
• the local inhabitants view the Army as a menace, and the presence of the outsider to be an additional threat. When the Army comes and asks "where are the foreigners?" and the villagers point. Now two threats are removed.
• Al is at the end of his rope after 11 months, and has lost 100lbs. He can barely stand for his captors, and within 12 hours he&#…

Ford Exploder vs Fire Hydrant

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While at work in Hollywood on Tuesday afternoon, a Ford Exploder hit a fire hydrant on Highland Ave, and gave the entire neighborhood a free diversion. Incidentally, neither Christ nor the Virgin Mary were spotted in the water column.


Classicella- Barbarella at 40+

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Barbarella is simultaneously a quaint artifact and and the edgy progenitor of the modern graphic novel. The iconography successfully incorporates elements of Jules Verne and the Nouvelle Vague in a retro science-fiction dreamscape.

Many of the elements in the novel have been worked over ad infinitum—the leggy heroine who is a determined hedonista; but other classic ingredients of French erotic fiction are well used—court intrigue, betrayal, awkward situations, and the boundless capacity of humans to plunge blindly in pursuit of pleasure.

I hadn't read "Barbarella" in over 35 years. It was interesting to see what I'd remembered, and find out what I didn't see back in my weedy youth.

Good times all around!

WS100 XXXIIIII

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"Your friends are definitely better than mine"

This was the Voice Of Reason from Earl "The Rocket" Jones, as he admired my 24k bling'ed PIMP goblet.

We were at the 3rd Outer Circle of the Western States 100 Finish Line, Sunday Morning Coming Down.

The Firste Circle is the Ring Of White Chairs Inside The Barriers.

The Seconde is The Laire of the White Nurse [being all double-bubbled and shit].

And the Thirde is round the outside, round the outside.
Let's see. The main topic of conversation for all the WS Entrants was not about Hal or Nikki, it was whether Paris Hilton would be able to walk unassisted from jail after being on a reduced sperm-n-demerol regimen. Also, whether the Magenta Star Child would be able to commune with the Trail Faeries and git enuff water. But all this wilted from the mighty hear of the Krucible of the Kanyons.

To everyone's Great Surprise, it was hot. Perhaps not hot enough to fry eggs on your visor, but close. There were a fair number …

Chompin' Chia

Guaranteed to ruin your weekend.

What started it all:

-----Original Message-----
From: [redacted ]
To: yetanother time suck_List
Sent: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 8:22 am
Subject: Chia seeds

I recently read in a race report that some runners where trying chia seeds
during their runs (yes, the "chia pet" seeds). They appearantly have
incredible water absorbtion qualities and when eaten are supposed to buffer
glycogen and electrolytes - and that supposedly helps keep you better
hydrated and prevents energy dips and spikes.

So - I decided to order some to check it out, and am curious if anyone on
the list has tried it before. Have any tips? recipes? how do you actually
use it during a run, do you eat the seeds raw or turn it into a gel?leading to:
Begin forwarded message:

From: mrtrailsafety
Date: June 20, 2007 12:45:39 PM PDT
To: Karl
Cc: Subject: Fwd: Chia seeds

Hi Bad Karl:

I think you need to answer this lost soul:

In honor of your Great Wisdom, I wanted to leech your brain, uh, axe you a Q, bro.

I'…

Straight Outta 1965

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Straight outta 1965. And hunting season never closes on signs either.

Kurt Waldheim's Last Unfulfilled Wish

Kurt Waldheim died this week at the ripe old age of 88. Just before he died
he told his gathered family at the bedside that he regretted not being
invited to the White House, where he could give Dick Cheney Hermann Goering's
Reich Marshal's uniform.

My Front-Range Lobotomy

This morning (being Saturday, May 26, '07) I awoke to a large spatula, gently peeling me up from my bed, and turning me over. I was pounded flatter than hammered dog shit. I didn’t feel this way yesterday before I started my planned overnight fast-packing/camping trip.

The original goal was go into the Middle Range of the San Gabriels, spend the night at West Fork, and then come back over via the Rattlesnake Trail back into Chantry Flats.

The insertion went well. Sweating like a pig, no biggie, normal. Up and over Newcomb’s Pass, east to Newcomb’s Saddle, and then down the Rincon-Red Box Road to where the road crossed the West Fork of the San Gabriel River. I had the whole place all to myself.

At the road/stream crossing, I turned south up the streambed and began to follow it up to the DeVore Campground. Rockhopping up the stream-bed was very straightforward, as the water levels have dropped precipitously in the last two months—almost a foot if not more, leaving fresh boggy mud-bed…

The Three-Leaf Follies of '07

Late Saturday night I knew. I’d caught a whiff of my special self. I had scored big on the "Smells Like Ass" Sweepstakes. All I had to do was get back to the trailhead and claim my prize.

I'd taken a three-day fastpacking trip into the West Fork of the San Gabriels. The itinerary was to camp out for 2 nights in the Middle Range, all before the bugs woke up and hopefully before the Forest burned down in this epic dry year.

GOOD FRIDAY

I left Chantry Flats Friday mid-morning under a blue-white overcast marine layer. I was above the overcast in less than 4 miles, but it’s persistence into the early afternoon was noteworthy.

After a desultory check-in with Chris at Camp Sturtevant, I’d exhausted my supply of lies and falsehoods. I then made for Newcomb’s Pass and Saddle, into the crystal bright. From there, it was a hard left turn down into the West Fork Campground, which was completely empty.

Rinse off, build a fire, eat dinner, watch Caveman TV, fall asleep. Life is good.

SU…

Preview Of the Iraq Nightmare

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I took this photo at the 2002 Doo-Dah Parade in Pasadena, CA. The more I've looked at it the more it reveals. The rollerskating amputee, the seemingly complacent "US Marshal", Vampira in her teddy, and the ever-present media. The underlying ironies and drama of the ensemble have only grown in retrospect.

It Ain't Necessarily So…

Fox Broadcasting announced today that they were going to restage "Porgy and Bess". Porgy will be played by Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter would be Bess, and Sportin' Life would be played by Rush Limbaugh. Fox spokesman said that this was part of continuing network efforts to make "black culture safe for white people."

It Payz 2 Increase Ur Wrd Powah! / the compleat transcript

Overheard on the MTA Blue Line yesterday: "bash poon" or words to that effect.

A brief field report, by Bungles, the valet

Northbound, from the 105. Two lo-rent playas, a ghetto "Jay and Silent Bob" if you will. Both were in their early 20's at best.

"Jay" was dressed in a flat-billed black & white MLB baseball cap, white oversized t-shirt, black pants of the de rigeur urban baggy. "Silent Bob" was likewise in black baggy trousers, but sporting a multi-colored hoody in a rich, variegated pattern of fiscal abundance—stylistically modifed icons of US currency in the $100 mode, casino chips and so on.

The object of "Jay's" fascination was his new iPod Nano. So many thumpin' grooves, such a tiny little beatch.

The loquacious "Jay", was describing to his reticent associate "Silent Bob" in detail an intimate encounter; by which a young adolescent girl was lured by true pretenses to his domicile [crib] wherein s…

Polyester Sharia In The Making

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Do you enjoy trainwrecks like this as much as I do? Read on.

===========================
MY FAITH IN GAWD IS RENEWED BY NEWS LIKE THIS.
from the LA Times.

God's word, plus static, on Calvary Satellite NetworkAmid accusations over sex, money and control, Pastor Chuck Smith is about to surrender much of the evangelical radio empire to a man he calls morally unfit for ministry


=============================
THE SET-UPWHEN Chuck Smith, founder of the worldwide Calvary Chapel movement, decided to invest big in radio, the Orange County evangelist joined forces with a pastor he trusted.

Mike Kestler was one of his proteges, a folksy preacher with a ponytail who had ridden the Calvary phenomenon to a pulpit in Twin Falls, Idaho.

Smith had presided at Kestler's wedding. He'd helped Kestler keep his job after a churchgoer complained that Kestler had begged her to run away with him.

Now, the pastors would be business partners. Kestler knew how to run a radio station. Smith had money and a famo…

Jesus' Original Lunchbox

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Since We're All Supposed to Give Up Something for Lent®™, let's start with Critical Thinking.

Gawd revealed it to me: Jesus' Original Lunchbox. Read the full details here.
No Word as to whether the Thermos contents were still hot after all these years.

An Immovable Feast, My Friends

Far-flung Suburbs Want Good Life Too

AVEC LES COMMENTS D'IL SAVANT LE BUCKY KIBBLE

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-upscale20feb20,1,6820367.story?coll=la-headlines-california

Most weeknights after 5 p.m., a line of patrons snakes around the Olive Garden restaurant in Palmdale, where hungry diners face an hourlong wait. The story is the same at the El Torito next door and the Red Lobster up the street, where the wait on Friday and Saturday can last two hours.

PRE-LOAD WITH A JUMBO BURRITO, BYO MATCHES

Just about every sit-down eatery in the west Antelope Valley has a line at the dinner hour because there are not enough sit-down restaurants to meet demand in the fast-growing region.

WIDENING COMES TO MIND TOO.

"I don't even consider it anymore," said a frustrated Barbara Lods, 43, a marketing representative from Lancaster.

In the newly minted subdivisions and gated communities on the fringes of Southern California, residents express concern about traffic, schools and c…

Squirrelled Away

TORN FROM TODAY'S HEADLINES

http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-na-briefs10.1feb10,1,6310080.story


NATION IN BRIEF / HAWAII
Squirrel on a plane diverts flight
From Times Wire Reports
February 10, 2007

American Airlines diverted a Tokyo-to-Dallas flight, landing the airplane in Honolulu because the pilots found a squirrel in the cockpit.

"HEH-HEH-HEH! GIVE ME THE JOYSTICK, YOU FUCKERS!"

Flight 176, a Boeing Co. 777 with 202 passengers aboard, arrived in Honolulu at 5:27 a.m. local time after the flight crew heard a noise in an overhead bin,

LOUD MUSIC, OE40's ROLLING AROUND, AND POWERBARS IN THE SHAPE OF FUNNY LITTLE ANIMALS

found the squirrel

WHO TOLD THE CREW:
"I GOT MINE, NOW FUCK OFF!... AND GET YOUR OWN! -HEH-HEH-HEH!"

and decided to land at the nearest airport, a spokesman

"CARL"

for American said. It was standard procedure, he said,

WHILE KNEADING A BLOCK OF SEMTEX INTO A RODENTESQUE SCULPTURE

and based on concern that a squirrel could cre…

The Three Laws Of Cinematic Science Fiction

After many years of sitting in movie theatres watching various Hollywood leavings, I've formulated The Three Laws Of Cinematic Science Fiction:

1] Primary action takes place primarily at night. Science fiction in raw daylight is a washed-out proposition.

2] The story line is usually dependent on heavy First-World technology. Too bad it looks completely dated 10 minutes after theatrical release.

3] Protagonists and problem solving methodologies are mostly white, who have great teeth and shiny hair. People of any color besides white, and who live outside the 310 area code are vastly under-represented in the sci-fi canon. By contrast, Marin County is mysteriously over-represented. Oh hell! Its more fun to shoot in Marin than Indio, or SW Nebraska.

Appropriated Kültür On De March

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Behold the Majestick Synergies
and Synchronicities of Gawd's Holiday Majestie®™!

For all of you soldiers in the War On Xmas, this is for you.

I was given these gifts by 2 different people, separated by Time and Space, opposite sides of the country...the whole shootin' match. Note the fine detailing on each piece; the subtle lettering on the left [given by Annie G, from NH], and the graceful thumb-stops on the right [received as a White Elephant Gift at my work party in LA].

This image is your next office screensaver.