Showing posts from 2005

Tango in NYC: The Final Action

Tango in NYC: The Final Action

Greetings Earthlings!

As my Final Chapter in the Epic Work "Worldwide Tango Trails of Devastation: A Chronicle by El Senor De Rotacion" I went to the Thursday Milonga Dec 29, at La Nacional in Manhattan. I must have been commandeered by space aliens because I showed up at 11, after a swell dinner with friends down in Little Italy. I stayed until they kicked everybody out at 2am.

The room was way nicer than the Bungalow Club here in Los Angeles, the floor having gentle waves instead of a sudden crater. It was packed solid, probably 150 people or so. All my moves got a lot more conservative, but there were some in the room who insisted on running into people. At one point one of the MCs got up and lectured everybody about line of dance, passing, cutting in and all the rest. Things improved after that.

All levels were in evidence, as well as a busload of Canadians. Their leader appeared to be a gangly gent wearing a Mr Rogers sweater vest. Fortunatel…

Wedding Vows: The Guy View

Wedding Vows: The Guy View

A friend got married a while ago. Here are some ideas I had for his wedding vows.

Let's see...since I don't have the laptop for the PowerPoint Presentation, I'll just write down a few "talking points". Yep! That
sounds right. Cover my ass, make points, and have time left over for a big honkin liplock.

Sketch out some Big Ideas, then get to particulars. First get through the "have and hold, sickness and health part". Don't mumble. Then I go for the gusto.

1] Honey, your ass will NEVER look big. Ever. It'll only look BETTER than it is if you strap on these Manolos.

2] Vacations: Paris, France, or Perris, CA...aaah, what the hell! I'm with you, and I love Le Quarter Midget stock car races.

3] When asked to choose in a Galactic Battle for World Domination Between Yanni and Kenny G, I'll ask you for the current odds in Vegas, then bet double down on the white guy.

4] The remote control. It'll never get lost …

2005 Angeles Crest 100: Upending It All

Angeles Crest has never failed to amaze and surprise. What is canonical received wisdom at 30 miles was turned inside out and abandoned at the finish line. Everything you thought you knew was wrong.

Guillermo Medina won it in a personal best of 19:33. By carefully picking and choosing his races for this last year, he saved his mojo for the Big Show.

In front of him was Jorge Pacheco, three-time winner. Behind him were two of the fiercest no-brakes downhill runners this race has seen in the last ten years, Tom Nielsen and Andy Jones-Wilkins.

Tom's won it twice before. The first time was a remarkable come-from-behind assault on Scott Jurek's  "unassailable" lead in 1999 where he caught Jurek at 83 miles in the black hole that is IdleHour. By the way, that lead was nearly an hour. That was also the year Ann Trason had her head handed to her, and she dropped at Chantry.

This year, Andy delivered a fierce no-holds-barred 2nd place finish at Western States, 24 minutes afte…

Stairway To Leadville

Originally posted in 1999. I did LT100 2.5 times, which was sufficient.

The schlong remains the same, for those about to depart etc etc ...

Stairway To Leadville

There's a Kansas femme who's been sold,
that all that buckles are gold
And she's buying a stairway to Leadville
When she gets there she knows,
if the entries are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for

Ooh - ooh
And she's buying a stairway to Leadville

There's a pile on the trail,
but she don't want to fail,
'Cause you know DNF's have two meanings
In a latrine by the dam there's a squirrel who scams
Sometimes all of our jogbras are misshapen

Ooh, and I watch you blunder
Ooh, and I watch you blunder

There's a feeling I get when when my shoes are all wet
And my spirit is crying for Bag-Balm
Thru my brown-eye I've seen rings of fire through my knees
And the voices of those who are standing just looking

Ooh, and I watch you blunder
Ooh, and it rhymes with thunder

And ducks …

Eulogy for John Davis

The memorial service for John Davis was yesterday in Claremont. I had written the following, and then Stan Davis asked if I'd read this at the service. I was honored, and said so.

There was a large turnout, I was sitting with Andy Roth & Liz Boyd on one side, Kenny Hamada & "Uncle" Hal Winton on the other.

There were 5 speakers. In relay terms, I was the anchor.

Earlier that day Andy & I had taken a memory loop over the top of Baldy, where we covered all matters sacred and profane. We took the short route up the mountain, using the Helen Klein Memorial Offramp up to the Sierra Club Hut. The streams were running full, and the Bighorns were smoking Pall Mall straights and shitting in them, despite the wails of the Sierra Club dorks who were doing their first solo unaided summit bids.

I hope you are doing well!

Eulogy for John Davis

This eulogy is for John Davis, from a man who met him late and knew him not well enough. This tribute is seen through the prism of ult…

A Beginner's Guide To Western States

A Beginner's Guide To Western States

Yes, it's that time of year again, when Young Ultrarunners Everywhere Like You®™ turn their fond attentions and deficit-disorders to Western States 100. You've been to Kamp n0Rm, you've sat thru the Blister Show, and been anointed in Knowledge. But to help you along in your Epic VisionKwest®™, I have compiled some of the Ancient Secrets that will help You and You Alone. These are cryptic and hermeutic. As Don Juan Castaneda once said, "This will put the plomo in your Lapiz".

It will be dark and cold. Your nipples will be very perky. This is a good time to be a detached bystander, but you arent, so there. You'll have past-life memories flooding your consciousness, and be incredibly desirous of taking a leak in the bushes.

The gun goes off. Maybe its a howitzer. In any event, the shell goes long, and a hidden meth lab over the next ridge gets buried in an avalanche. You're Off! Most of you love-guns will FLY…

Mr Trail Safety's Favorite UltraList Things

Mr Trail Safety's Favorite UltraList Things

Sunburn on noses and black flies that’ve bitten
Bottles run dry and woods that I’ve shit in,
Rattlers coiled up and ready to sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Comments on salt and trail-head poodles
Hairballs and GU-packs and DNFs that are noodled,
Lo-mileage coaches that fly on your wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Long tortured debates on mountain money,
Why LEDs and flashlights are so gosh-darn funny!
Early departures from motel bed-springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply channel my favorite UltraList things
And then I don't feel so bad

J-Lo's "Trail-of-Tears" AC100 Training Run

Angeles Nat Forest, above Sierra Madre CA, hothouse of Rose Bowl Queens

Sunday dawned clear and warm. This was the first calendar day of autumn and yet was alive with hundreds of eager, ready and willing tiny bugs that wanted to homestead in any available nostril. That's the glory of love.

Meanwhile, J-Lo was making her final tearful preparations. Bennifer was in the bathroom sulking. Her Inflatable Trail Companions in the form of Dr Casino Bingo, Draw Poker and MC Stumpy-D [shout out to all his homies in the HP!] had gathered at Chantry Flats.

They were to run a short 22 miles to Millard Campground. A three-hour cruise. Butt-kickers and high-knees the whole way. Enough time to review the contents of the latest JoggersWhirld, and then get back to the mall for a smoothie. Ask Dave, I've forgotten her name already.

The climb up Mt Wilson-Phillips passed in a blizzard of splits and statistics. Stumpy-D and Dr Bingo traded whiffleball headers. Draw Poker's head snored…

KCRW Pledge-Drive Premium Modest Proposal

We all know about KCRW's infamous Pledge Drives. Yabbering sincerity. Auntie Ruth hectoring YOU about reading other people's NYT, especially since its available only in translation here in LA.

Its hard work being a cutting style-leader, having the latest murmured Brit-pop and shoe-gazer geek chic loaded up on your iPod. And frankly, most of you are guilted into it. You, humble KCRW listener, want something more to show for it. And Aunt Ruth wants a better bottom line.

Enter the KCRW Pledge-Drive Premium Modest Proposal. I propose the following Donor Level--The Double Golden BareBack Angel CD Special. If you're a guy, you give $30k, and you get a weekend suite at Shutters, unlimited mini-bar & room service, and the lissome 15 year old girl of your choice.

The Enquiring Mind might ask "Where's the CD in this?"

O ye of little faith. That's the 15 year old girl, and whatever it takes to get you thru the nite, all right, all right.

And for the ladies, we're…

My Poem 4 Dusty Mountains, By Lady G-Spot

My Poem 4 Dusty Mountains, By Lady G-Spot

I live up here in the Sierra Nevadas,
Where rocks and trees, suck up lotsa water.
The breezes blow strong into my sheltered lair,
Whereupon dust, is an all day affair.

Above my living room,
Blankets hang over railing,
Their near-pristine state,
Confess none of my failings.

They, like I, suffered no consequences.
When I indulge, in Harlequin Romances.
I whisper to you, that I always come clean,
As my Auld Forest Prince, loads my washing machine.
Blushingly, Crushingly

....Lady G-spot

Hollywood Knightz On Mt Baldy

(Updated Jan 5, 2013)

I love it when Hollywood assholes get lost in the mountains. It's right in line with "I HEART the planet" bumperstickers you see on their SUVs. Note: I also love seeing GOP lobbyists and Christian Taliban getting popped on morals and corruption charges too. There is no free lunch here.

Back to the main point. This was too rich to ignore, from the February 8, 2005 LA Times. The Talmudic Annotations are in CAPS, for your conceptual pleasures.

February 8, 2005
2 Hikers' Return Ends SearchI READ THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY...

Crews weary from four rescues are relieved to see the pair walk down from Mt. Baldy.
By Lance Pugmire and Janet Wilson, Times Staff Writers
Two hikers - a Hollywood screenwriter and the son of "Designing Women" actress Annie Potts

walked down from Mt. Baldy on Monday afternoon, 18 hours after they were repo…