Bandit 50k: Where’s My Benzo?

Bandit 50k II.I
Bandit 50k is a sleeper, tucked away in Simi Valley. Yeah, you're thinking "suburbia, ET, mommy-vans, etc". Hold up!

This race will shank the unwary. Its fucking serious shit out there. Not a speck of cover, no water— but its race day, so you’re covered. All the smug "Cali Carpet Trails" dicks need that Ventura County schooling. We were lucky— generally cool and breezy. Today it’s raining like a bitch, so all that slick rock would go greasy on you in your hypothermic state.

It starts and finishes in Corriganville Park, ex-Movie Ranch, which got its start in 1937. The sandstone boulder scenery is in countless movies and TV shows, that are now on Hulu etc. Enough ancient history, now I’m gonna bore you about my race.

All you fast fuckers ran away from me, as if you owed me money. I was at least 30 places behind the talent, and they smoothed out the trail for me. Thank you.

Ripped on technical trail and fire-roads, out the ass. There was a paved section where the course traversed the Upper Milfington subdivision, then turned up a canyon where the Star Wars aid-station [9/22mi] awaited. A long 6-mile out to the halfway aid station, then back took you through more nut-busting sustained climbs and drops.

At the top of one of the ridges I met up with four VCSD S&R dirt-bike riders.

“How ya doing?”
“Got waffle-prints on my dick, but otherwise OK”
“Well, GU’s not gonna help you here…”

The struggle is real.

At the top of Rocky Peaks trail the clouds lowered, and it began to drizzle. Glad I wasn’t out there in my 10k singlet. I dug deep into my appropriated narratives and synthetic voyeuristic cultic bullshit to get this fucker done.

Rounding the finish I saw that the Benzo I’d been promised by my sponsors [SKT®™, IguanaTrdz NRG-BRZ®™, SpoogeBuilder®™…. the pressure] had been repo’d. Nobody knew shit. I had to beg a ride out of there, stiff, smelling like vintage ass. 

Cutting to the chase— there's more here than meets the eye, and you might want to check it out next year. 


DFL means never having to say you're sorry.


Anonymous said…
Righteous, truthful, spot on review.

Popular posts from this blog

The Definitive BigFoot 200 DNF

Check Your Watch!

Tarahumarans And Ultras