Adventures In Doctor Land
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Adventures In Doctor LandDuring my last physical, the doctor unwittingly revealed a voodoo truth in the American psyche: the cure for death is always five years away from today. Tomorrow, it will be repeated all over again. In other words, don't do anything out of the ordinary, and you'll live forever.
I had no idea how much fun it was going to be. It started with the Self-Assessment Form in the lobby. Sample questions included 'Are you/have you':
- …own a gun?
- …drink? how much?
- …are you beaten by your partner?
- …take drugs
- …unprotected sex?
Did you smoke?By now she's out-and-out laughing.
Hell yeah. Years ago. If it burned, I inhaled. Are you joking?
A very long time ago. Good luck finding anything.
Oh yeah, my stoner neighbor's fine-ass weed. Shit's expensive, I can tell.
How many partners?
You just had to fucking go there, didn't you?
Any idea...I'm stuck, like a drunk driver at a DUI pullover. Pondering. The First One. A long gap. A list? WTF. Sonia's amusement is contagious.
Aw shit. Really?
Tell ya what. A number between 15 and 20?Oh boy. Doctor comes in. Nominally slender. He's looking at my file. Then he looks at my left arm in the cast, a souvenir of the March 15 fracture. I'm within 2 weeks of it getting removed.
That'll do. The doctor will see you now.
"How'd you do that?"
"Trail running. Took a fall on a 20 mile run"
"You know there are reports that say that anything more than five miles a day is not optimal. Besides, you're in the upper percentile of men in your age group"
"I'm sure. But that is a very low bar for comparison. One more thing— all my friends are fitter and faster than I am"
He gives me a stony look. Silence. I notice that he's starting to build a lard-vest in the torso. Red nose, with small visible blood-vessel bursting. Pale. Doesn't get outdoors much.
Thanks. I'll take my chances doing it my way.
And for all my Red State friends who watch the jowly FixedNoise fucks howl about Obamacare Satan, just remember that they're employees with full coverage.