Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The "Whole Foods Casino Initiative": This I Believe


Millions of Californians went to the Super Tuesday Primary polls. You just fell asleep reading that. Too bad. You would've been wide awake voting for the I-96 "Whole Foods Casino Initiative". I-96 completely redefines gaming here in California.
  • Ratifies amendment to existing gaming compact between state and Free Range Wholistic Bands of the Wasichu Nation(s); amendment would permit tribe to operate 3,000 additional slot machines in each central location of Santa Monica, Brentwood, Montecito, Hillsborough and Marin—with other locations to be determined.
  • Omits certain projects from scope of California Environmental Quality Act, except the part about second-hand bong smoke; amendment provides for Tribal Environmental Impact Report and intergovernmental procedure to address environmental impact. BYO yoga mat.
  • Specifies where revenue paid by tribe pursuant to amendment deposited; amendment requires tribe to make $20,000,000 annual payment and pay percentage of revenue generated from the additional slot machines to the state. No estimated cost of carpal-tunnel syndrome or "Square Ass Symptom".
I voted for it. Damn straight! I saw those zeroes and said "If I can get in front of that with a funnel, I'm set!"

Critics lambasted I-96 as the "Trail Of Tears" Initiative. Spokes-whiner Rob Reiner vociferously attacked it, claiming that thousands of upper-income financial minorities like lobbyists, lawyers, fund-managers, starlets, and yoga instructors would be targeted by exploitative profiled-advertising.

Supporters countered that I-96 would establish organic, fair-trade, and vegan casinos in typically under-served demographics. At stormy meetings across California, PowerPoint presentations made damning comparisons between the surfeit of Starbucks, and the stark lack of organic gaming in these isolated communities.

Savvy entepreneurs realized that all the hot Whole Foods Checkout Betties and Hunky Bobs could manifest their Prosperity Consciousness in an Empowered Manner; while bringing you artisan vodka gimlets, family-farmed organic snacks, and lots of Windham Hill playing in the background.

Each casino is to built according to deep principles of Harmonious Temple-Dog Feng Shui. No more going to casinos built on brownfield SuperFund sites! No more greasy, sizzling snacks from crispy BBQ Downer Cows!

Go ahead… bet the house in a Carbon Neutral environment. And should you lose, there will be hemp-clad Grief Therapists who will assist you in the Five Manifold Ways of Coming To Terms. There is no other comparable feeling than stepping through the Portals of Samsara to The Bardo of Nothingness.

Once you go 26 Black, you never go back.

2 comments:

Ophelia Chong said...

I'm staying in the house and ordering pizza for the next ten years.

nice wordsmithing you got going here :O)

Mr Trail Safety said...

thanks! ...and I-96 didn't even address organic Pai Gow or Fan Tan. I'm sure Lou Dobbs is hot on the trail!