Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Secret Transmutation of Elements

How many times have you wondered how things change from one state to the other? And how many of those times were you a kind and wondered where all that yummy Spam came from?

This is the answer you 've been looking for.
I recently rediscovered this obscure revision of the Periodic Table.
  • Pork: elemental sign: PO. Atomic number: 50/50,
    Relative Atomic Mass: 120.69

  • Spam: elemental sign: Sp. Atomic number: u81-2,
    Relative Atomic Mass: 206.666 (note Satanic fractional number)

  • Lead: elemental sign: Pb. Atomic number: 82,
    Relative Atomic Mass: 207.21
For years it had been conjectured that Spam® was in fact the missing-link isotope of pork. Scientists at D&L Industries Research Lab carefully monitored the projected use-path trajectory, considered its original source, and then followed it to its ultimate atomic conclusion—where it literally turned to Lead.

It becomes even more relevant in This Here Holiday Season®™. Especially after the recent LA Times article describing the relationship between wily, feral pigs and their puzzled, outwitted, high-caliber hunters.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Last Surviving Pep Boy

Consider the likelihood of the following narrative: A disturbed brother, one of three, who had built a thriving business in the 1920s. The weather business cycles, and become well-to-do. In later years their franchise is set upon by sharp-toothed rivals. They begin to weary of the struggle. But they cannot agree on a direction.

There is a dinner at the local IHORG (International House of Rubber Gaskets) to iron things out. However, two of the brothers have made an alliance against the third. They've always been suspicious of his center part. Besides, he's busy doing the other brother's neglected wives.

Moe gets the bad news as the house specialty, Gaskets Alfredo, is served. The brothers tell Moe that his future is really with the Hupmobile Auto-Victrola Gramaphone business. His help will not be required in the primary auto business. Really.

At a pre-arranged signal from Manny; hairy-armed, burly, no-necked attendants burst into the dining room with nets and lightning speed. Moe flings steak-knives, crockery and tomato aspic at his erstwhile assailants, and speedily flees the restaurant. He overpowers the waiting ambulance driver, and disappears forever.

Safe at his bungalow hideaway in the industrial section of Anytown USA, he fabricates his own Ghost Dance shirt. Meanwhile both Manny and Jack disappear under mysterious circumstances. Manny's autogiro explodes shortly after take-off outside of Flexhose, WI. Jack's chartered tarpon boat is mistakenly torpedoed by an Indonesian submarine during a naval exercise off the Gulf of Mexico. The Texas Air Force responded with only half of what it was capable of.

It has been twenty years since this shirt was last seen. Can this be…The End Of Dayz?