5 Flavors of Sports Drinks, & Other Observations

Before They were Legends, They Were Gyros.

Summer is drawing to a close. The light is changing, the air is cooling, and all the Trail Betties of Summer have mysteriously turned into Boy Scouts.

This was yet unknown when the Record Setting Training Team of Casino Bingo, accompanied by his peg-legged Organic Dwarf Scrivener Draw Poker; convened yet again early on Saturday morning to hammer out a cool, self-imposed 29.98 miles. This is a Continuing Saga For the Ages, in which Poker might be Boswell to Bingo's Johnson. However, this narrative is more than the One Eye'd Reigning over the Blind.

First order of Business on this still morning: the replacement of Lisa Loeb by virtue of non-performance and breach of contract. The replacement was a tossup between Carly Simon and Gabby Reese. "Nobody Does It Better" lost out to Beach Volleyball hard-bodiness. This alone was worth several 1000-meter repeats up Baden-Powell with 100-m recoveries and negative splits. It was like dancing on MTV.

There was still many hours to while away. Omar of the Fretful Oud plucked a woeful minor modality while humming "...play it again, Samarkand..."

I mentioned sports drinks. I own majority shares in all the products mentioned. I stand to benefit. You'll adjust.

Light flavor, pleasant mouthfeel. Easy on the gut. Great bait and lure for barking ducks. I understand that somebody is making a bandit variant [tuna flavored], with corresponding modifications in the product name.

The drink of choice for riding a lawn tractor. Helps maintain consciousness thru the G-force of tight turns, especially when hitting sprinkler heads. Comes in Gumball [red], Urinal Cake [blue], and Robo-Douche [citric yello or international orange]. These mix well with ClifBars, especially the new Halle Berry flavor.

This product had the most complex bouquet and flavor spectrum of any product tested this summer. From the first mixing to the final froth it never failed to exceed its low expectations. Remember when you first took a deep whiff of the ineffable exotic blend of dust and powdered rhino turds at the zoo? All this and more has been carefully preserved in this product. You will enjoy it down to the last few frothy swallows, while the artistry of Ron Jeremy plays in the background.

Now We Phew, We Happy Phew were down to the last 15 miles of our self-imposed Ultra. We were on record pace. But suddenly, the record didn't matter anymore. The roar of bladders settled yards of dusty trail in the wake of this revelation. All the time we had saved came back to us. Now we had time to enjoy the incredible beauty and majesty of the San Gabriels. We picked up our Ebonite Bowling Balls and glowing hibachis, and quick-timed it past quail that were throwing rocks at us.

And so brings to a close yet another installment of the Permananent Collection of Lost Weekends.

yours truly From the VisionKwest [Un]Divided Highway,
--Draw Poker


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