Tuesday, July 28, 1998

Long Trail Speed Record Governing Body

Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 10:32:55 -0700

Recently questions have been asked about governing bodies regarding "Long trail speed records" The point of contention is Courtney Campbell's attempt on Sam Swisher-mcClure's record on the Appalachian Trail.

Mr Trail Safety has decided to clarify matters before the next blister pops. Here are his comments:

Yes, there is a governing body that concerns itself with Long Trail Speed Records. This board [the LTSRGB] is headquartered in the same anonymous converted 1920s powerhouse near Lincoln, NE that houses the Board Of Standards For Peripatetic Velocity. Nimble readers will recall that this Board governs Running Streaks.


  • 1] All attempts are recorded by passive infrarometers at terminal trailheads.
  • 2] The LTSRGB governs all attempts at all trails on the North American continent,
  • with exception to treaty zones covered by the Braunoutte-Pinchloaffe Accords of 1922.
  • 3] Attempt verification is handled by the LTSRGB Joint Committees in the following manner:

Runners submitting their attempts to the Board are held up to a strict scrutiny. A team of auditors arrives in the runner's hometown and assays the claim. The results are then heliographed back to the Board.

In the fullness of time, the results are signalled by a puff of smoke from the chimney atop the building. If the puff is white, then the record is deemed worthy. If the puff is black, it is rejected. Veteran "Board-watchers" have been known to use 20 x 80 spotting glasses to monitor the process.

The Board's decisions have always been rendered without comment or explanation; via the same 1919 Underwood typewritten onion-skin, folded neatly into thirds. Over the years, the Board has been prescient in anticipating trends in ultrarunning. Their judgements are measured, solomonic and final. There is no appeal.


  • 1] Turbans, pointy-toed shoes and bowling balls are considered de rigeur.
  • 2] Aid is determined by the runner, and can be rhythmic and syncopated if need be.
  • 3] White linen tablecloths are essential.
    Start from the smallest utensils on the outside and work your way in.
  • 4] I before E except after C.


  1. The clock used is continuously running, and of one make only. The movements are brass, machined in Berne in 1867. It is the famed "Imperator Regulator", and was a beloved landmark in the Gare du Nord train station in Paris. France.
  2. When the big hand and the little hand are on the 12 the cuckoo comes out.


  1. The runner is presumed to be able to handle scrutiny and criticism. If not, it is assumed he/she is a "two-bagger" or perhaps a "deviant element counter-revolutionary" and will have to participate in a "struggle-session" as to see the error of his/her ways.

This will take the form of:

  1. a] hill repeats
  2. b] track repeats
  3. c] Hansen or Spice Girl repeats


  • 1] Upon completion of the desired Long Trail Speed Record Attempt [LTSRA], the LTSRGB is empowered to award plaques, medallions, certificates; which are available at the LTSRGB Gifte Shoppe. Commemorative journals and vidoes also available. Add $99 if additional imaging requirements are needed.
The Official Mascot and Spokes-Entity for the LTSRGB is Chuckie, the Cheez-Kutting Cougar®™. The names "Chuckie", "Cheez-Kutting", "Kougar", "Cheez-Kutting Cougar", "Chuckie, the Cheez-Kutting Cougar" are all protected by legal statute and use. Likewise representations of the aforementioned, in addition to the Vanilla Drumstick with the Spanish Olive are also protected by statute and murals.

Legal counsel for the LTSRGB is:
Bucky Kibble III,
Chief Counsel for Pogey, Baitte & Maroon LLP/Admiralty Law In Extremis, Hellmouth CA.

end quote.

Mr Trail Safety wishes one and all the best in their endeavors.

Friday, July 10, 1998

Improbable List Etiquette Redefined

OK kids, the ice has been broken. By this I mean that you can now ask the most improbable questions to people who loosely inhabit the same sport or 'spurt as you do, under the impression that they are all, sight unseen, your "friends".

We'll warm up with some hypothetical questions. Let's say, for instance, that...

1] I was going to run my first marathon before I:

a] have a late 4th trimester abortion
b] attend the funeral of a hypothetical relative after standing up on the plane and sticking my sore butt in people's faces
c] wrench all my toenails out with a pair of pliers.

2] I'm having trouble running downhill. Do I lean further forward and:

a] apply ButtLube to my tender bum
b] carry a gun
c] harbor resentments toward a person of the opposite gender you mistakenly spent the night with in a city not your own.

3] You are having trouble in your marriage. Should you...

a] seek counselling
b] put your fist thru the drywall behid a locked door while your spouse calls the police from the next room
c] run barefoot on broken glass across a parking lot while beating a tom-tom singing the "Tubthumping Song".

You get the drift. These are just warm-up questions, designed to get your brain warm and runny so you can Sweat The Big Shit. Incidentally, the correct answers for being an Elevated UltraList Idiot-Savant [pick one] were b, c, b.

Well, that's it for me, gotta go!
--Mr Trail Safety