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Showing posts from July, 1998

Long Trail Speed Record Governing Body

Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 10:32:55 -0700


Recently questions have been asked about governing bodies regarding "Long trail speed records" The point of contention is Courtney Campbell's attempt on Sam Swisher-mcClure's record on the Appalachian Trail.

Mr Trail Safety has decided to clarify matters before the next blister pops. Here are his comments:

I. THE GOVERNING BODY
Yes, there is a governing body that concerns itself with Long Trail Speed Records. This board [the LTSRGB] is headquartered in the same anonymous converted 1920s powerhouse near Lincoln, NE that houses the Board Of Standards For Peripatetic Velocity. Nimble readers will recall that this Board governs Running Streaks.

II. GENERAL RULES:
1] All attempts are recorded by passive infrarometers at terminal trailheads.2] The LTSRGB governs all attempts at all trails on the North American continent,with exception to treaty zones covered by the Braunoutte-Pinchloaffe Accords of 1922.3] Attempt verification is handled by…

Improbable List Etiquette Redefined

OK kids, the ice has been broken. By this I mean that you can now ask the most improbable questions to people who loosely inhabit the same sport or 'spurt as you do, under the impression that they are all, sight unseen, your "friends".

We'll warm up with some hypothetical questions. Let's say, for instance, that...

1] I was going to run my first marathon before I:

a] have a late 4th trimester abortion
b] attend the funeral of a hypothetical relative after standing up on the plane and sticking my sore butt in people's faces
c] wrench all my toenails out with a pair of pliers.

2] I'm having trouble running downhill. Do I lean further forward and:

a] apply ButtLube to my tender bum
b] carry a gun
c] harbor resentments toward a person of the opposite gender you mistakenly spent the night with in a city not your own.

3] You are having trouble in your marriage. Should you...

a] seek counselling
b] put your fist thru the drywall behid a locked door while your spouse call…