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Showing posts from June, 1996

Test Your Meager Knowledge About...

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…The Also-Rans Of History!
Now You, Your Family, and anyone in E-Z Reach can share The Awesome Majesty that is History's Glorious Pageant™!

THE ENIGMATIC RECEDING CHIN DYNASTY
Witness in spellbound fascination as we trace the glorious trajectory of this undeservedly obscure civilization. See their humble beginnings, described by famed archeologist Erasmus Binkster as “..Their moveable feast of culture was based on a simple take-out order...”

Our travelog will take you in the comfort of your squishy-butt armchair through the turmoil that eventually brought this mighty empire to its knees, when religious zealots passed Draconian decrees against compulsory mastication. From this mournful twilight we can see the emergence of the Metrecal Dervishes as they swept down like thunder from the far-removed Seven-Eleven Parallel.

THE MYSTERIOUS LA-Z-BOY TURKS
This reclusive and mysterious culture are often confused with their more flamboyant and better-upholstered cousins, the Tuck-and-Roll Tur…

Being At One With The Trail

Imagine being strapped to the roof of your mother's car. You are being driven through the countryside. Bugs stick to your teeth. Nobody wants to stop for ice cream. You have no control over the process. You are not yet a complete part of the environment.

Now the car arrives at a trailhead. You are left wearing two left shoes and a pair of extra-small "Batman" underwear. The shoes are sequined. The parking lot is full of Cub Scouts. You've gotta wedgie. They are paying close attention. You will be able to use all of your senses.

Now imagine stepping onto the trail. Before going anywhere, you are wearing welder's gloves and you need to thread a needle. You have been asked to complete an incomplete circumcision on an irritable, elderly bull elephant-seal. Think of yourself as the thread and the trail as the eye of the needle. Knit one, purl two. Do not deprive yourself of any of your senses by separating yourself from what's beneath your feet and ahead of you. Con…