Friday, June 21, 1996

Test Your Meager Knowledge About...

…The Also-Rans Of History!

Now You, Your Family, and anyone in E-Z Reach can share The Awesome Majesty that is History's Glorious Pageant™!

Witness in spellbound fascination as we trace the glorious trajectory of this undeservedly obscure civilization. See their humble beginnings, described by famed archeologist Erasmus Binkster as “..Their moveable feast of culture was based on a simple take-out order...”

Our travelog will take you in the comfort of your squishy-butt armchair through the turmoil that eventually brought this mighty empire to its knees, when religious zealots passed Draconian decrees against compulsory mastication. From this mournful twilight we can see the emergence of the Metrecal Dervishes as they swept down like thunder from the far-removed Seven-Eleven Parallel.

This reclusive and mysterious culture are often confused with their more flamboyant and better-upholstered cousins, the Tuck-and-Roll Turks. The swansong of their once-dominant culture was best expressed in the haunting refrains of the ballad accompanied on the fretful Oud, where kohl- eyed beauties sang in their distinctive modalities...”Play It Again, Samarkand...”

In time, their lease expired, and their mighty civilization underwent a Massive Clearance Bazaar; where Everything Was Priced To Go, and They Were Blown Out To The Bare Walls. Their descendants were scattered to the Winds Of All Descriptions. Centuries later, blind buskers and minstrels still sing of the fabulous bargains. Various enclaves have survived in fringe markets, while the more successful have gone into syndication.

This Luxurious Educational Series is Available on Archival Quality BETA Format with Sensurround™ 78RPM Discs that fully capture the Majestic Cavalcade of Times Gone By. Order by post, phone or wireless. Operators Are Waiting!

Wednesday, June 12, 1996

Being At One With The Trail

Imagine being strapped to the roof of your mother's car. You are being driven through the countryside. Bugs stick to your teeth. Nobody wants to stop for ice cream. You have no control over the process. You are not yet a complete part of the environment.

Now the car arrives at a trailhead. You are left wearing two left shoes and a pair of extra-small "Batman" underwear. The shoes are sequined. The parking lot is full of Cub Scouts. You've gotta wedgie. They are paying close attention. You will be able to use all of your senses.

Now imagine stepping onto the trail. Before going anywhere, you are wearing welder's gloves and you need to thread a needle. You have been asked to complete an incomplete circumcision on an irritable, elderly bull elephant-seal. Think of yourself as the thread and the trail as the eye of the needle. Knit one, purl two. Do not deprive yourself of any of your senses by separating yourself from what's beneath your feet and ahead of you. Concentrate on neat stitches.

Feel! Feel the dirt! Feel the sun beating down! Feel the swarms of mosquitos and black flies as they make your acquaintance. Feel the pebbles in your shoes. Feel the polyandrous relationships between the chattering squirrels up in the trees. It is seemingly chaotic and formless. You'll adjust. You'll also get the big picture, just start with color number 22.

Process insights in your special state. I'll digress for another 50,000 words using another sport to describe this. Think of the first time you got drunk in high-school and wrecked your dad's Valiant. You will say to yourself, "...Now I get it!". At first everything is odd. Eventually it becomes integrated into your personality.

Now it's night time. How the hell did *that* happen? If you spend all day on the trail learning and working towards insight, by the time night comes, you will have a much easier time. Really, trust me! When you have lots of practice being one with the trail; shoes, shorts, and even flashlights become superfluous. When the light does come on, it reminds you that it's dark outside. You are in it and part of it. A smile appears. Somewhere.

Morning arrives. Are you face down? Sunburnt? Blistered? It's all part of the cosmic curve and, well, know. You may surprise yourself, because you have become "One with the Trail". Heard tell this probably applies at track runs too.

Next Installment: The Tao of PowerBars When They're Shaped into Funny Little Talking Animals.