Thursday, December 12, 2013

Hyena Love

A shout-out to all the Little Shoes out there in UltraLandia. The hyena augurs nothing but waves of healing energy and positive vibrations as Mr Stern dances on the trails. Selfie By Miki.

"None. None less camera-friendly" 

Its a hyena, and if you're hating on it, you've just hurt its feeling! That's the mouth it kissed its mother with, by the way. Coyotes are positively GQ in appearance compared to hyenas. Of course, Chris knows where that QuoteBot®™ goes from here.

Hyenas are not popular with the Whole Paycheck set. Carrion, bone-cracking jaws, and culture-specific table-manners would be unnerving guests in vegan/paleo/bullshito precincts. Its just how they drag—"not good or bad, just different" [cf Dr Casino Bingo, with a DendroChronoShove®™ from Dr Rebecca VSF.

They don't write selfie-biographies, they narrate them. As befits an oral culture. So lean close, and they'll tell you shit you don't want to know, but desperately need to hear.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

haiku for winter mountain trailrunning

haiku for winter trailrunning by Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast.

Title in all lower case means its very sensitive and concerned. 

Trail snow is gnar, dude.
Microspikes scrape ice — surprise!
Airborne panic… why?

Sri Roshi Mahand Isfast flourished in the Late Hentai Period of the Gyoza Shogunate. He is believed to have lived and practiced in the Gojira Prefecture.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

2014 WS100 Lottery Anxiety Explained

The Western States 100 Lottery Anxiety, explained as a diagrammed sentence. 

I've tackled the problem of the WS100 Lottery head-on—this explains it all in a logical, calm manner. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance in this matter. In the meantime, don't applaud, just throw money.

[File under 'Diagrams and Charts/Weird Science]

Friday, September 27, 2013

Post-Modern Java Man

You're looking into the deep past of a bygone industrial age of the 1920s. This is a Universal Grinder. They came in several sizes, and promised to make your life amazing and easy in so many ways.


The 1994 LA Earthquake came roaring out of the ground, the freight train from hell on January 17, 1994, at 04:31. Half the city lost gas and power. When I made it home from my girlfriend's just after dawn, my apartment was still standing. Gas, but no power. I was supposed to go to work, but that didn't happen. Jangled and suddenly very sleepy, I fell into a deep nap. 

Several hours later, I'm kind-of awake. Aftershocks are still rumbling through the city. I'd made a triple-espresso. Sitting at my kitchen table, half-awake, and watching my coffee cup dancing slowly around the table. I began to think—OK, I've got a camp-stove, Bialetti pots, water, coffee...what would happen if I didn't have any beans ground? Holy shit!

Being a swap-meet and flea-market devotee, I looked for hand-grinders. And in true swap-meet fashion, began seeing them. Then it was looking for complete blade sets. Eventually I found them— cutter blades what would grind from coarse to exceedingly fine. Score! Now I can grind espresso.

The grinders were dormant for a long time. Then a friend gave me a 2lb bag of roasted beans. So I clamped it to my Stanley folding work-bench, positioned the baking sheet under the outfeed, and set to work. Took about 10 minutes to grind about a pound. And it reminded me how much time I spend at a keyboard.




Twenty-Third Psalm For Hipsters





























The Dude is a Hipster; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down at Coachella
He leadeth me beside the fixies,
He restoreth my white-boy soul
He loadeth me in the tats of righteousness for His name' sake, and shit

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of norm,
I will fear no evil: For thou DJs are with me;
Thy 'pod and 5-bars, they comfort me.
Thou preparest kombucha before me in the presence of whatever;
Thou anointest my head with kale; My sideburns runneth over.

Surely PBR and 420 shall follow me all the daze of my life,
and I'll hang out in the House of the Hip, whenever.

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Once And Future Baldy Peaks 50k

Luis Escobar getting his sponsored-ass kicked on the first pass over Baldy, 2004. One more to go. In 2012 he repaid the debt by calling me "the worst SOB RD anywhere" when I crossed the BTR50k finish line. He learned well.


















Relevant Race History: 1988-2004

"A mildly disturbing event with a cult-like atmosphere" —Craig Holloway
Originated by John Davis, with his sons Ken and Stan. With the artistry, precision and eye to maximal sensory overload that can only come from the mind of an aerospace engineer (John) and a classically-trained musician (Ken) the race was born. Stan provided SysOps support.

Joe Franko adds that "Actually, as I recall, the credit should go to John's son Ken, who laid out the course as part of a college project at Cal Poly, Pomona. We were students together then. He was an undergraduate in mathematics and I a graduate student." So who said that science, math and pain don't mix?

The Inaugural "Zero-eth" Baldy Peaks was run as a trial effort in December 1988. There was no snow that month on top of Baldy. When the day was ended they all came home and Phyllis Davis made the lads dinner. Phyllis was a key element of the race that ended only with her sudden and untimely death in December 2000. She was missed by all of us.
All of your joy and delight on race day is thanks to Davis pere et fils. Be not stingy in your praises and hosannas.

The first official Baldy Peaks 50k was run in September 1989. The race has had a peripatetic presentation date over the years, hovering between mid July and late October--dodging the various weather and ultra-event bullets.

John decided to retire the race after the 2000 presentation. At this point Andy and Larry, the current RDs took it over and RD'd it until 2004. Incidentally, running the race is a psychic prerequisite for being a Race Director.

Ken Davis has since left the state to pursue a life that does not include Mt Baldy. Stan is our Hero Aid Station Dude at the Notch. John is The Ham Radio God, Emeritus.

The Race has gone into hibernation; a combination of HP Lovecraft and surly, Pall-Mall smoking Big Horn Sheep taking bets on the mountain somewhere.

And so it goes.

Course:

32.14 Miles. Two unequal loops with one ear. 10,775 ft climb..10,775 ft of descent. Main course landmarks are Ice House Canyon, Baldy Village, Bear Canyon, West Baldy, Baldy, Baldy Notch, Manker Flats, Sierra Club Cabin, Baldy, Notch, Thunder Mountain, Notch, Manker, Ice House Canyon. Refer to the topo map for reference.

BIG CASH PRIZES

We saw the rising monetization of ultras early in 2001, and frankly, we thought it was bullshit. So we decided to give Big Cash Prizes. We promised lots of zeroes. With bitchin' little commas in between them.
100 Million dinars, buckaroo.

But we were fair. The winner of the 2004 Race, got a laminated Japanese-Occupied Phillipines $1 bill. He looked at us in complete disbelief. Another Indian gentleman, now deceased, got a fistful of elderly Indian rupee notes. He practically wept, because they reminded him of his childhood in Madras.

SWAG OUT THE ASS

Some lucky winner is quaffing ale from these beauties.

Literary Achievement: The Baldy Haikus

Baldy Peaks 2004: Haiku Standouts

This was the inaugural year for the Baldy Peaks 50k Haiku Köntest. With the dedicated help of our volunteers, Austin Grissom being the standout, runners pushed themselves to new heights of Artistical Expression. Were they inspired by the Baldy Muse? Or was it the sheer delight of being holistically hammered in Gawd's Creation? 

Read for yourself.

—Editors

Poetry Slam Winner

Aldy Baldy on my mind
Had to come hop her one more time
Her trails were tough
She’s hard
Lordy, Lordy I’m fucking ‘tard (tired)
I think next year I’ll have to pass
Good ol’ Baldy will have to
Kiss my ass.
Josh Miller


Best Traditional Haiku

My feet bloody stumps
But tape them blisters real good
And I can go on.
Jennifer Evans


Best Conemporary Haiku

Sixteen lizards
To the Notch
I peed on my leg.
Mary Campilongo


From an "anonymous” volunteer

Enchanting Mountains
Adventure pass melts on dash
Parabolic Mirr’rs
—Balto


Red ribbons went by
Time moves in pine needles green
Feet fly, get up twice
Michael Massoud

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Finding Shit Out


Uplifting Social Media Meme
An essential part of learning is finding shit out. Seems pretty obvious, but WTF—its not quite like getting married or invading Iraq.

I did my first 50mi 90 days after my first 50k—and had my head handed to me on a plate. I finished, but holy hell. My advice on when and how to do a 50miler is given with this knowledge. Your mileage may vary. Just one of my control issues, but you'll figure your own shit out. Or not.

All this is a different order of business than charging people money to run 25 miles per week and drag a tire while telling them its gonna get them to the finish line in an ultra, especially a 100-mile. There are people who do that, and should be flogged.


Pinoy fun-hogs running the Hollywood Half with a surfboard and climbing rack, plus the Lunas.
Somebody's gotta do it.

I'd gotten marathons cold-wired well before I even considered a 50k. My then-training level gave me 3-4 marathons a year. But I was getting bored. I did my first 50k at the long-gone Baldy Peaks 50k, and I got un-bored. I also learned that running from Zuma Beach to County Line did not constitute altitude training, despite forays up into the Santa Monica Mts up the Zuma Motorway and so on.

The jump from 50k to 50mile

Think about your first 50-miler while executing the 50k properly. Rinse and repeat. Or, lose your mind and go off the rails entirely. It works in the movies!

When I transitioned from 50k to 50mi, I was already running 60mpw. I still got my ass kicked. Because I wasn't out there long enough on the long runs, that's why. But getting my ass kicked on my first 50 [Avalon Benefit 50, 10:30, thank you very much] proved to me that my training was sorely inadequate to the task ahead of me. And I got very serious about mountain time after that.

So when I read crack-smoking, lo-mileage, unicorn-poop cupcake-frosting running speculations from clearly ill-informed sources, I get a little edgy. And then I become the Brand Ambassador for Whoop-Ass. This goes back to my first marathon, where I trained out of a book that was all of the above. Here, read the review: 
"How to Run Your First Marathon" is a cruel hoax in a breezy, fun, gosh-its-gonna-be-fun style. I bought this book in 1985, when I was training for my first marathon, Los Angeles 1986. It promised a bunch of things, namely "don't worry too much about distance, run for time". That is perfect barney-bait.
By the time I was at 20 miles, I'd begun to hate the day I'd imagined that the author knew what he was talking about. OK, I finished--walked the last 2-1/2 miles to a 3:55. After I was able to think about marathons again, I found Joe Henderson's "Run Long" book. It had everything this breezy pamphlet did not. I trained out of Henderson's until 1992, then ran with Jim O'Brien's track club at Cal Tech.
Subsequently I went on to finish over 25 marathons, before getting into ultras [50k on up to 100-miles]. I cannot in all honesty or good conscience recommend this book to anyone, unless its for dilettante voyeurism. It is ornamental, and worthless.

back to ultralandia

If your longest training runs are less than 25mi, you are in Sore Delusion Land. Kid you not. Butt! Seriously [as Uncle Howie would say]—those of you who think I'm blowing smoke, give it your best shot on a dainty lo-mileage workout. Let us know what its like when you're pushing on your quads at 35mi while people you never met are charging on past you. Its an eye-opener for sure.

One size does not fit all. My point is that typical homeostasis will dictate a comfort level well below optimal training necessities.

Finally,  the soup we all swim in is apps, keystrokes, and re-sets if something goes off the rails. Ultras are not like this. They are intensely analog endeavors. You cannot fast-forward to the game-highlights here. There are a seemingly-diminishing number of people who will do their goddamned homework. There is no patience for the process. A cursory survey of visual slush on social media is all of the Uplifting Bullshit Meme

Miracles can happen, but its a wide curving ramp up to the killing floor. Now go and have some fun with that.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Now Is Tomorrow



Yours truly back in the day when a boy and his friend's shark could run a 100—Wasatch, 1992.

CHANGES IN THE ULTRA LANDSCAPE

The whole landscape of ultras have changed radically in the last 10 years. The day of RDs putting on races because they love the sport are giving way to corporate-sponsored series, with all attendant features and blemishes.

Runners themselves have changed since I got into all this back in 1989. I came from a backcountry ski/travel/mountaineering focus. You self-insert, and self-extract. Runners now reflect the widely suburban culture, that expects free parking, deep swag-bags, medals and probably buckles for their 10ks.


Races and their entry requirements are also part of this education process. A 50k is a different order of business than a 50-mile, 100k, and a 100-mile.


We have legacy 100s that have not significantly changed their qualification requirements since Day One. Gutting out a 50 on the flats is not likely to get you through WS or AC, but occasionally miracles happen.

The Day of The Lottery is well upon us, and is rippling outward as the sheer weight of numbers overwhelms the races. In 1989 there were 6 100s in the US. Now there are over 100. 

Ultra-newbies  [and yes, I was one once, like all the rest of you] must realize that a hundred is not some jackoff reality show hoo-hah, nor is it The Sum Of All Fears Lord Of The Rings Death Match. It is also not some whip-saw ragnar, mud-run, "warrior-run" [which doesn't count unless its live-fire], or some other bullshit. 

Its 100 miles, the end.

WHO GETS IN: ELITE OR BEGINNERS?

WS is particularly conflicted about elite/beginner race identity. Yes, there are those who don't make it past Red Star, and then there's Rob Krar, who brought a lot more preparation to the game than someone who just finished a flat 50 under cutoff as a qualifier. 


Down here at the AC100, there are a host of "ultra-squatters" who got their 2014 entries—and have not even done a goddamned 50k yet. They hope they're gonna make the qualifiers before Race Day. As an old-schooler, I find this kind of behavior insulting at the least. They saw stories like this in their childhood multiplexes, so their Dreams Can Come True, Really®™.

THE WEIGHT OF NUMBERS

Leadville has just gotten lazy about the whole business. The rot set in back in '95, when the first LT100 MTB race was held. They quickly figured out that runners were cheap-ass compared to the shiny trucks coming up from the flats with bike stickers in their windows which told the world "$$$". 


Rentals jacked, almost double what they were in '94. In '97 when I priced out the house I rented in '94 for $350/wk, it was $750/wk, and I was going to training there for a month. A motel was $1350/mo. I said "fuck that!", bought a Bibler Awhanee tent [$750]. Then camped out at Turquoise for 3-1/2 wks, and only rented a condo for 3 days figuring that crew, pacers and girlfriend would ALL be happier in a house if it poured. Which it did for 2 weeks leading up to the race.

I should add that Leadville 100 was topping out at 350 when I last ran it [1997]. Now it's 1000+, which is Rock-N-Roll Marathon/Bay To Breakers Cali-stupid. Well-played, Colorado!

VOLUNTEERING

If memory serves, Wasatch was the first 100 to require trail-maintenance time. AC followed suit in '96. Yes, there was the usual bitching and moaning, etc.  

I've told people repeatedly that in the face of repeated funding cuts at the USFS, and accelerating impacts, the volunteer work done by AC, WS and other 100s have guaranteed a place at the table when it came time for policy. This is huge.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Wanna Be/Has Been

I've always been big, just the sponsorship got small.

Careless Whispers

I was recently called an ultra wanna-be in an acrimonious email exchange. The accusation came about because a disgruntled group-member posted a come-on from The Clymb, which is Mary-Kay Cosmetics for dudes. I busted him, he got bent, and it all went into the weeds from there. 

The exchange ended abruptly before I could tell the young hot-head that I would kill to be a wanna-be.
I'm an ultra has-been

This past year was a yard-sale of health issues, which culminated in a sharp POP coming from my left-calf this past May. I tore something, and it could've been a lot worse. I went from running to a standing stop. Running in any form is off the table until that tear heals, period. 

Right now I do a lot of walking, and the diet got leaner because trousers were shrinking. Of course, I blame Obama, global warming, and gay immigrant whales. If I had my gun, none of this would've happened.

Let's review some footage:

Looking Back On The Last Golden Age

Back in 1997, I thought my charmed life in ultras would continue forever. I'd buckled at AC and Leadville, was slotted for a long 1998 summer of training at Wasatch, and finished that in reasonable working order.

After that everything began to slow down. In April '99 I hit bottom—DNFing at Leona Divide, 43 miles. Being passed by people I'd never seen before. Talk about getting served. 

The next six months were a zombie-blur. From '99-2000 had just enough energy to kind-of work 8hrs a day, and that was it. Complete exhaustion. My then-girlfriend and I were having problems, and my truncated social-buffer increasingly collided with her reasonable expectations that we might actually get married. We didn't, and that was another flaming ruin.

I spent the summer of 2000 depressed, and helping a good friend train for his first 100 at Angeles Crest. Running came back slowly. It was good to be out in the San G's for baking hours on end. 

In the midst of that summer, I lost a week of my life, and wasn't sure what happened to it. I wasn't even sure if I had taken up smoking again—Pall Mall 100s, straights. Had a memory of getting strange looks from friends saying "hey! you're a runner, why are you smoking?" My recovered memory was "Yeah, go fuck yourself too. I'm smoking, get used to it."

Put in my last ultra in 2002—Jim O'Brien's San Gabriel Mtns 50k. By then I was used up, didn't fucking care about any of it anymore.

The End of the Silver Age

I didn't race another ultra until 2012. Halfway through this passage, I came down with a mold-infection, courtesy of tearing up very ancient carpets in the apartment I lived in. I can still see the Martian red dust boiling out of the disintegrating padding. I was wearing a respirator, but in shorts and a tee-shirt. Shit went in right through my skin. Started turning yellow, my arm-flesh looked like a 70-year old man's. I was being treated by a homeopath/chiro genius who really had game. Gave me medicines that made my breath stink like shit, as I was expelling this crap. Eventually I got over it.

The Bronze Age

Running fell through one set of floors when I simultaneously had a mind-numbing job at a very large non-profit, and was going to art school at night. I'd done this before, but not for three years. Money was real tight, and literally couldn't afford to drive half the time. So I rode a bike, which made school day commutes 25-mile roundtrips. Weekends were spent at the keyboards learning the tao of masks, curves, layers and other Photoshop arcana. 

A Brief Glimmer

In February, 2012 I read about the Born To Run Ultras. It was the first ultra in ten years that actually looked interesting. I got a fistful of miles under my belt somehow, and got a finish out of it. I followed it with a near-death experience at the Mt Disappointment 50k. My ungrateful heirs were disappointed at not dividing my effects at the foot of my cross.

Finally, We Get To The Heart Of Dorkness, And Your Point Is What?

I went to the 2013 Born To Run and helped out, walked, and began to be grateful for the what-I've-gots. Drank some good beer, camped out, and began to rethink things thru vertical pain-managment. Then walked some more.

I'm here to tell all of you ungrateful pissant whiners who bitch about your FKTs, DNFs and all that other shit that you are insanely lucky. You have two legs that work. No, you'll never be sponsored. Tough shit. Enjoy yourself. You got to race Western States? Didja finish? Great! You made the 8% that made the cut look good. 

And guess what? You'll never know how lucky you were until the day comes that the music stops. Everybody else just keeps right on moving. And then you'll get to discover how you are going to heal yourself. You'll be busy for months, I promise, grateful to be a has-been than a never-was.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Hundo Newbie Asks For Tips

Jesus pops a selfie. Or it could be a Brand Ambassador sponsored runner.

Just before the 2013 Angeles Crest 100, Robert Whited,  as our Candide in the Best Of All Possible Ultra Worlds, asked the AC100 Facebook Page the following brilliant pre-race question: “I’m a newbie to hundos, do you have any tips?”

Sensing a deep need for enlightenment, men and a woman stepped up and shared out their wisdom.  Read on!

Marcus England: The whole course is runnable. Running the uphills is the key to glory.
August 1 at 8:04am · Unlike · 7

Howie Stern: Slather yourself in salad oil.
August 1 at 8:05am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Slather and run all the uphills...check. I’m a finicky eater on a vegan diet. Will the aid stations cater to me?
August 1 at 8:07am · Like

Marcus England: Make sure you follow the course markings, despite your obvious need to always go sharply to the right...
August 1 at 8:07am · Unlike · 5

Rainer Schulz: take a lot of selfies to impress the ladies....
August 1 at 8:11am · Unlike · 4

Howie Stern: Wear little shoes
August 1 at 8:12am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Marcus England: Howie’s right. They help on the downhills.
August 1 at 8:12am · Like

Howie Stern: Rattlers like to be t-bagged
August 1 at 8:13am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Lambert Timmermans: If you get sore past Chilao, rub yourself with those purple flowers for a soothing effect
August 1 at 8:14am via mobile · Unlike · 6

Howie Stern: Or give them as a pretty gift to your girlfriend
August 1 at 8:15am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: Ok. Stay on course...check. Selfies and ladies ...check. Dainty shoes... Rattler tea parties...flower power...
August 1 at 8:15am · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Thank Obama for your success
August 1 at 8:16am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Give Obama pretty purple flowers...
August 1 at 8:17am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: ya, cause when u finish.. u didn’t do it!
August 1 at 8:18am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Bob Sponge Man: Run as fast as u can at the start, talk to a lot of chicks at the aid stations, get as many phone numbers that u can, and always run bare chested Tarzan.
August 1 at 8:19am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Denial tactics...check.
August 1 at 8:19am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: you grew a beard, right? and let ur toenails grow?
August 1 at 8:19am via mobile · Like · 2

Howie Stern: Bring a $20 for Larry Gassan:
August 1 at 8:20am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Rainer Schulz: you need long hair to feel like an ultra Jesus...
August 1 at 8:21am · Like · 3

Robert Whited: Vanity pose...checkereroooski
August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 2

Marcus England: Getting “chick’d” is the key to happiness...
August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 3

Chris Gaggia: They’re called Hundies, not Hundos.
August 1 at 8:21am · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Have pacers and crew mule everywhere for you
August 1 at 8:22am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Robert is posing as a newbie, he’s got Obama’s number 44.
August 1 at 8:22am · Like · 2

Howie Stern: Don’t wear undies
August 1 at 8:23am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Carry a flaming hibachi and an Ebonite bowling ball—because chicks dig it.
August 1 at 8:23am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Get chik’d double check...
August 1 at 8:23am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: i thought his number was 666
August 1 at 8:24am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Be sure to swoon every time you come to an aid-station, and announce how you’re gonna retire after your FKT, and shit.
August 1 at 8:24am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Great balls of fire...check.
August 1 at 8:25am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Grandstand with lavish statements...check.
August 1 at 8:26am · Like

Larry Gassan: Tape a Whole Foods organic zucchini to your leg, so it peeks out from your compression shorts.
August 1 at 8:26am · Like · 6

Howie Stern: Eat lots of natto at every aid station
August 1 at 8:27am via mobile · Unlike · 1

Robert Whited: Tube steak boogie...check
August 1 at 8:28am · Like

Larry Gassan: At each aid-station, have your crew greet you with either a 21-gun salute, or Roman Candles.
August 1 at 8:28am · Like · 3

Lambert Timmermans: Most important.. don’t drink anything. That just makes you sweat which leads to moisture on your feet causing blisters and loss of salt causing cramps.
August 1 at 8:29am via mobile · Unlike · 5

Larry Gassan: Get yourself a flat-brim trucker cap and oversize white-framed toy sunglasses, then call iRunFar.
August 1 at 8:30am · Like · 3

Rainer Schulz: act like the show must go on
August 1 at 8:30am · Unlike · 4

Robert Whited: Vatican candles, And bring dehydrated water..check
August 1 at 8:30am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: “oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar.
Oh don’t ask why,
Oh don’t ask why..”
August 1 at 8:31am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: For Vatican candles you’ll need altar boys.
August 1 at 8:31am · Like

Robert Whited: Find the doors and dress sassy...check
August 1 at 8:31am · Like

Larry Gassan: Eat a stick of butter 1/2 hr before the invocation. Share with your friends.
August 1 at 8:33am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Alter my lifestyle...check.
August 1 at 8:33am · Like

Robert Whited: Grease my colon... no check
August 1 at 8:34am · Like

Howie Stern: Enemas
August 1 at 8:34am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: Push a shopping cart with a keg, and a paint-spattered contractor FM radio, with coat-hanger aerial. Don’t let haters pass you.
August 1 at 8:34am · Like · 4

Ivan Buzik DNF at the Inspiration point and everyone will remember you.
August 1 at 8:34am · Unlike · 4

Marcus England: Robert - greasing your colon will help with emergency rehydration.
August 1 at 8:34am · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Then you’ll have a cameo on “Hose The Boss?”
August 1 at 8:35am · Like · 5

Robert Whited: Find assistance in colon lubrication...check
August 1 at 8:35am · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: #AssBlessed
August 1 at 8:36am · Like · 1

Marcus England: AKA “drop the soap”
August 1 at 8:36am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Smoke Swisher Sweets cigars during the race. They’re Paleo.
August 1 at 8:36am · Like · 4

Lambert Timmermans: You probably already ran many miles to prepare. That’s too bad and it’s too late for this race, but for your next race, lie in bed for 3 months prior. Save all your energy for that big day.
August 1 at 8:36am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Stay up all night watching Internet porn on Friday night
August 1 at 8:37am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: “Hundo Pounders 2”
August 1 at 8:37am · Like · 2

Marcus England: This year, if you see a bear, remember that they are friendly and like to be petted.
August 1 at 8:37am · Unlike · 5

Robert Whited: Porn prep...check
August 1 at 8:37am · Unlike · 1

Robert Whited: Look for bears on the porn channel...check
August 1 at 8:38am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Remind Colorado runners that they’re getting California Carpet-Trail burns.
August 1 at 8:39am · Like · 3

Howie Stern: Remember you are Thor. Put the hammer down
August 1 at 8:39am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: And remember that Thor was cast into the Ring Of Fire.
August 1 at 8:40am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Give Colonrado the carpet treatment and hammer them...check
August 1 at 8:40am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: Tell all the out-of-towners at the top of the Toll Road that they’re pussies for not racing up to the TV towers like you will.
August 1 at 8:42am · Like · 2

Lambert Timmermans: Cyclists and swimmers shave their legs. Don’t be a wuss like them. Shave every hair on your body.. head, eyebrows, arms.. You will show them what streamline is.
August 1 at 8:42am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Run in motorcycle leathers.
August 1 at 8:43am · Like · 1

Howie Stern: New aid station at Dawson saddle
August 1 at 8:43am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Robert Whited: Shave all pussies... ceck check
August 1 at 8:43am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Saddle up in leathers...sassy check
August 1 at 8:44am · Like

Marcus England: When the going gets rough, just remember you started the most epic thread on the AC100 FB page. You have that going for you, at least...
August 1 at 8:45am · Unlike · 5

Robert Whited: Bring thread and knitting supplies...check
August 1 at 8:46am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Since nobody mentioned GoPros, get 2—one 3’ in front of you, the other 3’ behind you. Add jangly Newgrass mashed up with Death Metal grinding guitars. Now you’ve got a Kickstarter video for your online demotivational cult!
August 1 at 8:48am · Edited · Like · 3

Marcus England: Oh, ass-less leather chaps are great for colon lubrication and rattlesnake t-bagging, since you were already advised to not wear underwear... just to bring things full circle.
August 1 at 8:48am · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: ^^^Gets that In And Out Urge worked over faster.
August 1 at 8:49am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Self promote is flaming attire...check
August 1 at 8:49am · Like

Larry Gassan: Knit yourself a skort while you’re busting out FKTs
August 1 at 8:50am · Like · 2

Lambert Timmermans: You have 33 opportunities to pr your 5k. Don’t blow it. Be persistent.
August 1 at 8:51am via mobile · Unlike · 8

Rainer Schulz: have your music ready, Queen - I’m going slightly mad...
August 1 at 8:52am · Like · 1

Marcus England: Fastest to the top of B-P wins the thousand dollar “King of the Mountain” prize started this year.
August 1 at 8:52am · Like · 3

Robert Whited: Fat bottom girls ...check
August 1 at 8:53am · Like

Larry Gassan: Dedicate your run to the Supermodel Wildlife Waystation. Be loudly pious about it.
August 1 at 8:55am · Like · 1

Lambert Timmermans: Kick the troll at the toll booth in the nards and steal the fur coat from the lovely lady on Baden Powell.. and then run with a purpose!
August 1 at 8:56am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Howie Stern: Patience...
August 1 at 8:56am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Or go to Sea World and run with a porpoise. Your call!
August 1 at 8:57am · Edited · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Pious grand stand for causes of concern...check
August 1 at 8:57am · Like

Ivan Buzik Be nice to your fellow runners and pick every rattle you find on the trail. You are good with handling snakes.
August 1 at 8:58am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: Tell people that “Little Billy in Omaha is a terminal masticator, and you’re raising funds for awareness...”
August 1 at 8:58am · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Run? With the psychedelic furs?
August 1 at 8:58am · Like

Marcus England: Just don’t film your “snake” handling with your GoPro. Nobody wants to see that.
August 1 at 8:59am · Edited · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: When you’re projectile vomiting trailside and holding up the conga line, tell them you’re “paying it forward”
August 1 at 8:59am · Like · 5

Larry Gassan: “Heh-heh-heh..he said ‘snake’...”
“Dammit, Beavis, I was just about to score!”
August 1 at 9:00am · Like · 2

Marcus England: Your goal: catch the unicorn...
August 1 at 9:00am · Unlike · 5

Larry Gassan: ^^^But this means you’ll have to be a virgin, at least retroactively.
August 1 at 9:01am · Like · 1

Rainer Schulz: Follow Mr. Hodgson’d advice and take the long way home..

August 1 at 9:05am · Like · Remove Preview

Christine Bilange: Pre race delirium all the way !!
August 1 at 9:07am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: But its a dry heat...
August 1 at 9:07am · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Use dry humorous delirium for the supertramps...check
August 1 at 9:17am · Unlike · 1

Ivan Buzik post #100
August 1 at 9:18am · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for such wonderful advice. I feel warm fuzzies and sentiment beyond expression. To all those that are partaking in this event I wish you all the grandest of experiences. Fare thee well...blah blah blah
August 1 at 9:27am · Unlike · 4

Larry Gassan: Be sure to thank God®™, your Pilates coach, the Academy, and all the little people while you’re at it.
August 1 at 9:28am · Like · 2

Rainer Schulz: This was fun, thanks Robert... one last question if you allow please... what’s a hundo?
August 1 at 9:41am · Unlike · 4

Howie Stern: Well played sir
August 1 at 9:43am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Larry Gassan: And half a hundo with twice the fun is a hemmie.
August 1 at 9:47am · Like · 1

Joey Morrison: Make sure to take a picture of your aid station fare and post it to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and MySpace. Then be sure to see how many likes you get.
August 1 at 10:13am via mobile · Like

Larry Gassan: Selfies with GU for the foodies out there.
August 1 at 10:16am · Like

Dominic Grossman: Run the uphills, walk the downhills.
August 1 at 10:38am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Dominic Grossman: Wear a condom. Just trust me.
August 1 at 10:40am via mobile · Unlike · 4

Mark Tanaka: Remember though to always train with 2 so that during the race it feels like your are wearing nothing! I guess the race is real soon. Put on the whole 12-pack.
August 1 at 10:48am · Unlike · 3

Larry Gassan: I forgot to mention—drag a tire. Or drag attire. Whichever makes you feel like a queen for a day.
August 1 at 10:51am · Edited · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Run up and sashay down hills clad in prophylactics....check
August 1 at 10:51am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: #TrojanBrandAmbassador
August 1 at 10:52am · Like · 1

Dominic Grossman: Stab yourself in the quads in Wrightwood so it doesn’t hurst as bad when you feel like you’re being stabbed in the quads on Sam Merrill (ask Katie).
August 1 at 10:53am via mobile · Like

Chris Gaggia: And use Yucca--break off the tip so it, you know, lasts...
August 1 at 10:54am · Unlike · 1

Larry Gassan: Smoke a joint after getting to Mt Hillyer. It’ll make routefinding the next section more rad, dewd.
August 1 at 10:54am · Like

Robert Whited: Smoke yucca weed through boulder patches ..check
August 1 at 10:55am · Like

Dominic Grossman: No, use a dull knife. They’re more painful.
August 1 at 10:55am via mobile · Like

Dominic Grossman: Similarly have your pacer slap you every time you stupidly leave an aid station. It makes the stupidity accounted for and dulls the ensuing pain.
August 1 at 10:58am via mobile · Like

Robert Whited: Use the Oj technique with blunt object...czech
August 1 at 10:58am · Like

Larry Gassan: Extra points if your pacers are women with riding crops wearing black-leather bustiers. You know, lace ‘em if you got ‘em.
August 1 at 11:08am · Like · 3

Ivan Buzik Be sure to hydrate properly with Tarahumara corn beer at the aid stations. You will not have to chase Unicorn - he will be chasing you!
August 1 at 11:21am · Unlike · 3

Robert Whited: Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn 
Tryin’ to find a woman who’s never, never, never been born. 
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, 
Telling myself it’s not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.
August 1 at 11:37am · Like · 1

Robert Bracero: Man I’m so glad I’m not running this year. You guys are great!!! I’m on my second page of notes and I’ll be we’ll prepared for next year! Look out.... I’ll be ready!
August 1 at 11:46am via mobile · Unlike · 3

Joey Morrison: Make sure you Chihping Fu, ultra paparazzi, captures your moments of glory while you do all of the above.
August 1 at 3:41pm via mobile · Like · 1

Larry Gassan: Be certain that you have A Spiritual Crisis Of Faith®™, agonize over it on camera, then A Compelling Uplifting Resolution. We’ll fix the music and overdubs in post.
August 1 at 6:25pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Exultation of illustrious grandeur for the bona fide believers.
August 1 at 6:29pm · Like

Robert Whited: sound check...
August 1 at 6:30pm · Like

John Chin: Tarzan Rob. Seize it and gut it. See you at Alta loma park.
August 1 at 9:07pm · Like · 1

Robert Whited: Still open for tips...
Sunday at 9:27pm · Like

Ivan Buzik: Rob, you haven’t listen to me. I said DNF at Inspiration point, you could save a lot of time 
Sunday at 9:30pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Call it my youth , Ivan Buzik. I should lave listened. It would have been memorable.
Sunday at 9:39pm · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Take a selfie in front of the church on Acorn Street
Sunday at 9:51pm via mobile · Like · 3

Chris Gaggia: Start last, go real slow.
Sunday at 9:53pm · Like · 1

Chris Gaggia: Drop when suckage reaches level Red.
Sunday at 9:53pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Take a sucking selfie for acorns...chec
Sunday at 10:00pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: Check for acorns and avoid unicorn horns...
Sunday at 10:01pm · Like · 4

Howie Stern: Book a gig the same day you finsh, then drop when you realize you’re going to slow and will miss gig...
Sunday at 10:01pm via mobile · Like · 2

Robert Whited: Unicorns are fast in these parts...check
Sunday at 10:04pm · Like

Robert Whited: Cue music when dropping...check 1 2 3
Sunday at 10:05pm · Like · 1

Howie Stern: Slayer-South of Heaven
Sunday at 10:06pm via mobile · Like · 1

Chris Gaggia: War Pigs
Sunday at 10:06pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: “begging mercies for their sins--AC laughing spreads her wi-ings...”
Sunday at 10:07pm · Edited · Like

Robert Whited: Oh no!
Sunday at 10:07pm · Like

Chris Gaggia: oh lord--yeah!
Sunday at 10:09pm · Like · 2

Robert Whited: An unforseen future nestled somewhere in time.
Unsuspecting victims no warnings, no signs