Sunday, September 14, 2003

Misty Mountain Double-Donger: Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition

Misty Mountain Double-Donger: Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition


"Morning had broken, like it does for infidels" as once was sung by Cat "Jihaadi" Stevens hung in the air like a cheap coat. This uplifting canticle set the tone for the Late Season Ontario & Cucamonga Barking Duck Expedition. The mandate of the expedition was clear: to seek out and destroy new worlds of understanding in the rugged and vertically-challenged peaks above the Ontario Mills Mall and Jail-Bait Recreation Zone.

The Crack Team was assembled in the gathering light: Dr Casino Bingo, Mr Trail Safety, and "Micah White" [not his real name]. It was to be a lightning strike, an unsupported scientific enquiry into the lives of the secretive and reclusive San Gabriel Barking Duck.

The Expedition would insert at Ice House Canyon, make a rapid upward foray up the [Roy] Chapman [Andrews] Trail to Ice House Saddle. Pausing "to whiz not" [Yoda, 1999] the Expedition would launch decisively at Cucamonga Peak. Upon attaining that objective, air samples would be left, and then we would descend by the same route.

We would then, so to speak, be "back in the Saddle again" [Tyler, 1979]. From there we would strike decisively at Ontario Peak. At this point "Micah" revealed his true Inner Self and took the commanding lead with references to an unspecified Tiny Dancer. Dr Bingo was on the ropes, and struggled to regain with the Huey Lewis Smackdown. Mr Trail Safety dropped back to examine the wheels on his Little Cart. He paused on a ridgetop to take CryptoBarometric Readings, and await the Return To Forever of Bingo & "White".

In the fullness of time, before the wild cat did growl, two runners were approaching, and the wind began to howl. Safety rejoined the scrum. The downward spiral rejoined the saddle, and thence forwards backwards down the [Roy] Chapman [Andrews] Trail.

We passed the Darva Conger Scenic Overlook after traversing the Gary Coleman Avalanche Chute without incident. Basecamp was rejoined, victory was declared, and a full report will be filed with the EPA at the Edwin Meese State Office Building in Puta Vista, CA by this Friday.